25 Funny Marriage Jokes That Describe Married Life Perfectly

Something you both can laugh at.

25 Funny Marriage Jokes That Describe Married Life Perfectly

Getting married to the love of your life is a magical experience. It might be hectic and stressful leading up to the big day, but at the end of the day, things fall into place and life is sweet.  

Even when the magic wears off and life with your partner isn't always as wonderful when you were in the honeymoon phase, life is still pretty good. 

These 25 marriage jokes perfectly capture what married life is really like. 

RELATED: I Can Sum Up Marriage In These 11 Texts I've Sent My Husband


1. "Marriage is like deleting all the apps on your phone except one." —Unknown


3. "I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat." —Unknown




6. "Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?" — Janet Periat


7. "Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them." — Ogden Nash


9. "An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her." — Agatha Christie


10. "Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist; it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again." —Unknown

RELATED: 12 Things Marriage Is (And 12 Things It Definitely Isn't)

11. "I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months…. I don’t like to interrupt her". —Ken Dodd


13. "I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to steal the covers from for the rest of your life." — Rita Rudner


14. "Is marriage just two people taking turns mashing the trash down in the hopes the other one folds first and empties the bin?" — Monica Hesse

15. "My husband talks in his sleep. Unfortunately, he also snores, so I sometimes give him the wifely elbow. 'What?!' he demanded one night, still mostly asleep. 'Turn over—you're snoring,' I said. He did as instructed and while doing so muttered, 'That's nothing; you should hear my wife snore.'” —Unknown




Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?" 

Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her." —Reddit


Wife: "Do you want dinner?"

Husband: "Sure, what are my choices?"

Wife: "Yes and no." —Unknown

19. "Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: 'Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?' She answered, 'I do.'” —Unknown


21.  "Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner — just so they can have the last word." — Janet Periat


22. "It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield

23. "The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it." — Ann Bancroft




Wife: "Omg, now I get it!"

Husband: "You get what?"

Wife: "You know, when things heat up, they expand."

Husband: "And?"

Wife: "I’m not Fat, I’m hot!" —Unknown

RELATED: Surprising Side Effects & Health Benefits Of Marriage

Isabell Tenorio is a writer who covers astrology, pop culture, love and relationship topics.