Photo: Keenan Constance via Unsplash
Even though, deep down, I know I really shouldn't.
By Unwritten — Written on Mar 05, 2020
By Skylar Jones
It’s been a while since we parted ways, last spoke, or even saw each other. And yet I still have a soft spot for you. I still like you.
Everyone has told me that my feelings will pass, just like the pain I was feeling after I was left heartbroken. But it hasn’t changed, no matter how many times I reflect on the negative or recognize new warning signs from the past.
Despite all of this, I’m always left wondering: why do I still like you after everything you’ve done? Why do I put you on a pedestal when someone asks me about you?
There’s nothing negative I can say about you to people, because I don’t want to tarnish your name — even though I know I have the material to do so.
Why do I still prioritize you when you do come around? I know you would never do the same for me. Still, time after time I find myself getting ready and walking out the door when my mind is screaming "no."
Why do I miss you? Is there even anything for me to miss about you? From mixed signals, confusing stories, unanswered texts to spells of disappearances, why do I miss you?
You were barely even present before. Whether you were around or not, I was always left doubting myself and wondering why I wasn’t good enough. Why should I miss you when you are barely even a person to me anymore?
Why do I check my phone hoping to see your name pop up? I’m aware that it won’t, nor is there any indication that you’ll reach out anytime soon. But I still hope it happens and wish to see it.
It’s not like you’ll want to start things over or apologize, so what am I even hoping for when I want to hear from you? I guess I just want to believe I mattered to you, and maybe still do?
Why do I keep creating scenarios about you in my head? I know they won’t actually happen, but I find an odd sense of comfort when I have them.
It’s like I still have a piece of you. And that’s satisfying enough — it fulfills whatever my heart is looking for.
Why am I still focused on my false hopes about you in my head? I know the reality. You’re just another guy who hurt me and will only do it again if I allow you back in my life.
I want to think you’ll come to your senses or change, but deep down, I know you won’t. I can’t help myself from pretending you’re better than who you were in the past, but I secretly hope the lies I tell myself are true.
Why do I still want you, even after everything you’ve done to me?
You’ve provoked millions of tears and hours of self-doubt. You’ve diminished my self-worth and confidence, and you truly turned me into a person I didn’t recognize for a long time.
I let you treat me like s*** and allowed it, in hopes you’d change — knowing you wouldn’t. How could anyone willingly want to be with someone who caused all of that pain?
We’ve had our ups and downs — quite frankly, more downs than ups. And we’ve had our moments of intimacy and betrayal.
But nothing would beat the greatness I felt when I was under the illusion that you actually liked me, too. Not even the intense pain I felt when I learned it was all a lie.
I was there, just so you had someone to occupy your time with. But I still can’t forget the occasional feelings of bliss with you.
I don’t think I’ll ever truly understand why I torture myself when it comes to you.
Likewise, I truly think there’s something wrong with me to continuously do this, regardless of how toxic this is to my health. I know I deserve better. And I have the confidence to prove it, I know I do, but I can’t help it when it comes to you.
And I’ll never understand why I still like you.
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Skylar Jones is a writer who focuses on relationships, breakups, and love. For more of her relationship content, visit her author profile on Unwritten.
This article was originally published at Unwritten. Reprinted with permission from the author.