Photo: Adolfo Félix on Unsplash
You deserve to move on from lost love.
By Hayley Small — Written on Feb 01, 2020
After you go through a break up with your first relationship, it’s terrifying to think of trying to find anyone that you could ever love that much again. It makes you never want to give in to your feelings again. You don’t want them to betray you another time.
But that’s part of moving on and dating and trying to find your next love. You have to be willing to take risks. That might mean putting yourself out there again and putting your heart on the line for the chance at love working out.
Love really is a crazy thing. It does crazy things to you and your judgment and your idea of right and wrong and your perspective of what ‘normal’ is. It’s so incredibly difficult to become so adjusted to a certain way of living and confiding and relying on that one person, to changing everything about your lifestyle the next day.
The first step to moving on is recognizing that no matter what kind of relationship you had with your first love, you learned from it in some way and you can be grateful for that, at least, if nothing else. If you feel like you haven’t learned anything, reflect and try and make a point to learn and grow more from the next relationship in your life. But most importantly, love yourself first before you go on giving your heart to anyone who will take it. They have to earn it and prove that they can take care of it. You deserve to be earned.
Take a look below at 10 reasons why moving on after a breakup with your first love is so difficult:
1. You've grown attached to being with them.
You feel so comfortable with that person. They make you feel truly loved and appreciated and sexy and desired for the first time in your life. It’s hard to just let that go in an instant when it’s over.
2. You have a skewed perspective.
“Because you only remember the good times and so you compare every boy after him to what you think was the perfect relationship. But, in reality, it wasn’t like that, you just created a skewed perspective of happiness that you don’t think you’ll get back” – Maddy Gould
Maddy describes it perfectly. It’s true that everything seems like it all has to be that “perfect” again. Nothing seems like it will ever live up to the bliss that was your first love. You often wonder how you’ll ever find anyone to love you like that again.
3. You're scared you won't find love again.
“I think if both parties view it as their first love, and you break up, it’s easy to want to go back. You go back because you’ve never felt that way for someone else. You go back because you are scared you will never find something that amazing ever again. You go back because you liked who you were with them, even if it’s wrong. It pulls you on a string, even though you know in reality it’s probably not going to work. You want it to though, more than anything in the world. You play yourself and hold yourself back from future opportunities for future love.” -Adelaide Nielson
Adelaide explains it very eloquently. They give you reasons to keep holding on to the hope that you could get back together with them eventually because either they’re confused and conflicted about their feelings or they are just afraid of not having you there as a backup plan. You might even feel the same way about them to an extent sometimes.
4. You are hung up on nostalgia and stuck in the past.
Your whole phone gets filled with pictures and videos and memories of that one person and when it’s over, you take so long to get rid of them because, for the first little bit, all you want to do is go back through everything and reminisce on the good times and long for the happiness that once was.
Even after you delete everything on your phone, there’s still all the Snapchat memories that start popping up and torturing you and your emotions a year or two later.
5. The dating world is scary.
“You’ve never had anyone else treat you the way that person has. So, you don’t think you can find anyone else who will love you like they did. It’s hard to move on because of the memories that have been ingrained in you.” -Bekah Milligan
There can be so much worry and fear for what may or may not happen with your love life in the future. Once you give yourself away like that, committing you're all into someone, and they end up not being the one for you, it makes it so scary to feel like you can ever do that again.
6. You miss them — a lot.
“You’ve never felt anything that intense before. It’s like an addiction. You miss it. You have nothing else to compare it to.” -Bekah Milligan
Feelings at that level of intensity are hard to form and maintain, so once you have them, it’s that much harder to get rid of them or let them fade. All you know is that you want those feelings back and you regret the break-up and would do anything to feel that way again regardless of the bad that came with the good.
7. You experienced all your "firsts" with them.
You’ve had so many of your firsts with them. Your first kiss, your first Valentine’s Day with a bae, your first enjoyable date, your first late-night cuddle sesh, your first time waking up next to someone you’re in love with, your first commitment. It’s hard to just forget all of those experiences and move on.
8. You're really lonely.
After things end with that person, you feel lonely and like there’s an empty space in your life that needs to be filled. Friends are always a great distraction, but they will never be the same confidant or person for you. It’s just different. That connection you felt with them isn’t something you can just find again right away.
In that moment, with everything ending, it feels like you might never find it again. The physical relationship that you had with that person is always different too. You miss being able to hold their hand or kiss them or cuddle with them or bug them and poke them whenever you want and know that they still love you and want you to never stop touching them. That’s something that feels so irreplaceable at the time.
9. You're not used to having your heartbroken.
The pain and agony you go through after a break-up is unlike anything you’ve ever felt before. Your heart hurts and your eyes sting and your gut clenches and you feel like you never want to feel emotions or true feelings ever again because if this is what you risk feeling, there’s no way it could be worth it. You’ve never felt anything like this before. You don’t get taught or trained on how to deal with heartbreak. It just happens and you just have to figure out what the best way for you to cope with it is.
How you deal with heartbreak is completely up to you and nobody else gets to judge or decide how long is too long for you because they don’t know what you’re feeling, only you do.
Only you have felt it to this extent, and you get to decide just how long you look at old photos and cry yourself to sleep each night and sleep in his sweatshirt and wear the bracelet he gave you. You have to make those choices for yourself to know that that process works for you and will be exactly what you need to move on and get over it.
10. You feel like you invested in something that didn't pay off.
“It’s the first time you’ve ever experienced it. It’s like no other feeling. You’ve invested so much time and they’re your whole world.” -Seth Rose
For the entire time that you’re together, that person is all you think about. You revolve your life and decisions around them. You choose outfits that they would like to see you in. You go and try new things because they like to do them, and you want to support them. You make free time to hang out with them. You change your perfume smell because they like something different.
You do anything and everything with them when you can because you can’t stand the idea of not being with them. Then, all of a sudden, that’s gone in an instant without time for you to think twice about it or figure out what it’ll mean for you and your life now. You invested everything into them, and you’re lost without them as your guiding star. You have to figure out how to move on now.
But, that’s the thing, you don’t need to move on. At least not right away. It’s okay to have enjoyed those times and look back on them fondly. Those memories are all things that you learned and grew from. You know that you love and enjoy them and want them again with someone else that you love just as much, if not more.
There shouldn’t be any regrets because you can’t control the past anyway, so what’s the point of dwelling in it?
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Author Bio: Hayley Small is a writer who focuses on pop culture, religion and relationship topics.