Photo: Jacob Lund | Canva
Keep your relationship problems in your relationship.
By Alexis George
Last updated on Jan 11, 2024
We all have that one friend who we vent to about everything. When something good, bad, or somewhere in between happens they are the first person we call.
Love is a topic that we never fail to discuss with this friend. We obviously need them to know how our significant other either made our day or ticked us off.
Just the thought of sharing with someone you know has your back instantly makes you feel better. You need someone who is going to be on your side no matter what. Someone who is going to say all the “right” things.
Relationships are bound to have problems often, so venting about your love life almost becomes a part of your weekly routine. Your go-to friend becomes unnaturally used to you coming to them to vent about your relationship problems.
But unfortunately, it's not always wise to speak to your friends about every little thing that's happening in your relationship.
For one, they aren't in it with you. So they can't know everything that's going on. But there are other reasons, too, why you shouldn’t share details about your love life with your friends. Check out the list below to find out why your friends aren't always the best judge of character when it comes to finding your soulmate.
Here are 10 reasons why you should stop giving your friends details about your relationship:
1. They may hold grudges
Your friends love you. So, any time they hear a story of someone doing you wrong they automatically get upset. Usually, when you are sharing a story with them you are speaking from an emotional place.
This is never a good thing. It never fails that you will calm down after a while, but your friend will remain mad. Every time they are around your significant other they show open disdain for them because of something that happened months ago that you no longer think about.
This will only weaken your relationship as it will cause growing tension between your friend and lover as the relationship becomes more serious. Hopefully, this won’t result in you losing one of these relationships to save the other.
2. They may give you the wrong advice
Taking advice from a friend can be tricky. They always mean well, but because they aren’t in your shoes your friends don’t always give the best advice. Your friend can only speak from their experiences and what they would do in any given situation.
Friends can be quick to tell you to curse your partner out, give him the cold shoulder, or simply leave your significant other altogether. They sometimes even encourage being unnecessarily petty to see how your significant other will respond.
Doing things like these can make matters worse in terms of your relationship. Your significant other will notice that these behaviors aren’t like you and will become frustrated when trying to figure out the sudden shift in attitude.
3. They are protective of you, so they may make you believe the worst
You’re feeling a little suspicious about your significant other’s actions lately. He hasn’t been texting you back as often lately, or maybe he hasn’t been as affectionate. Instead of calming you down, your friends start to bring up possible explanations that only make you freak out more.
Maybe they suggest that he's cheating, or that he is slowly trying to break up with you. Naturally, your mind is going to take these ideas and run with them. Before you know it, you are telling him about how he is the worst person ever and how you can’t believe he would do something like this to you.
He has no idea where any of this is coming from. Once he finally gets a second to get a word in, he kindly explains to you that his schedule has just been a little more hectic than usual and that he hasn’t been in the best mood due to all the stress.
You now feel silly. This could have been avoided if you hadn’t vented to your friend.
4. They may gossip and talk about your relationship with other people (it's true)
Sometimes your friends don’t see the issue with talking to your other close friends about your love life. They figure everyone already knows so maybe together they can help you come up with a solution to your problems. This is when things can get complicated.
Now you're forced to sit in mini-intervention sessions where your friends (and friends of friends) pick apart your relationship. Even though their intentions are all good, having your friends all together in one room trying to give you advice on your relationship just makes things worse. Instead of coming up with a reasonable solution to your problems, they just throw out outlandish ideas that would hurt any relationship.
Friends tend to feed off each other’s energy, so now you'll have multiple people with heightened emotions voicing their opinions. Their frustrated and angry state can easily rub off on you, and travel right back to your partner.
5. They may question your decisions
You just finished venting to your friends, and now they question your decision-making. They want to know why you reacted the way you did, or why you didn’t react at all. Your friend is thinking about what they would have done and can’t seem to understand why you wouldn’t think the same way.
Though it isn’t always intentional, questioning your decisions may give your friend a brief moment of power. They are in a position where they can have you second-guessing yourself. You are now replaying the situation in your head wondering if you had done things differently and how the outcome might have been better.
Letting your friend have this control over you no matter how short the time isn’t good. You will start to second guess yourself more often and fall into the habit of reaching out to them for their opinion before you make decisions. Make sure to stop and think and have your own back before leaning on your friends for support.
6. They constantly want more details and updates
Your friends can get to the point where they are used to you giving them all the details about your love life. If this starts to happen, it gets harder and harder to be short and brief with them.
They expect to hear the when, where, and how the situation went down. This includes arguments, break-ups, and make-ups.
Your friend wants exact words, hand movements, and everything in between. Without realizing it, they are forcing you to relive moments that no longer deserve any thought.
Giving them more details allows them to feel like they were there and before you know it, you are giving your friend permission to live vicariously through you. This may not always be a bad thing at first, but as time goes by you will start to notice that it can become an unhealthy obsession with relationship issues that may not have been a big deal in the first place.
7. They keep you in the past (because they are afraid of change)
We all know our friends can be petty. After listening to you talk negatively about your love life countless times, your friend holds on to those images. Whenever you get to a happy place and find yourself carrying on about how great your partner is, they quickly remind you of a time when your significant other wasn’t your favorite person. Or they say something along the lines of “Are you not the same person who was complaining a week ago?”
Photo: cottonbro studio/Pexels
Your friend isn’t always coming from a bad place, they just don’t understand how you all of a sudden seem to overlook the negative aspects of the relationship. However, it is still pretty sucky to be randomly reminded of your partner's shortcomings.
If you didn’t only share the negative aspects of your love life, then your friend wouldn’t be able to reach into their memory bank and bring the past back to the present.
8. They may get jealous of your relationships
Your friends won’t say it, but depending on the current state of their love life, listening to the details about yours can be hard. You go on and on about all the fun dates you have, all the gifts you receive, and all the time you spend together. Although they are happy for you, they can’t help but think about how they seem to have no luck in the love department.
They too would like for someone to love them and treat them well. They may even start to subconsciously compare themselves to you, wondering what makes your love life successful and theirs a failure.
When friends are jealous of each other, the relationship between you and your best friends can become awkward and hostile. At that point, it's easy to find yourselves growing apart as you feel like sharing with them starts to make both parties feel bad.
9. They may only take your side — even when you're in the wrong
Love involves a lot of fairness and compromise. You automatically lose your ability to view a situation from a fair standpoint the moment you vent to your friends.
Friends are known to take our side for various reasons. The most important reason would be because your side is the only side they know. This means that your friend can’t get the full picture.
They don’t get to see the part that you played in the situation going left. Therefore, the advice they give and the emotions they feel are not 100 percent valid.
Your friends also tend to take your side because of their loyalty to you. It would seem like a betrayal if they chose your partner's side over yours. Sometimes you need that friend to not take your side for the betterment of your relationship.
If you have no one backing you up then you will be forced to take responsibility for your actions and come up with a solution of your own that is fair.
10. They may start to feel like they are part of your relationship
After continuously telling your friends about your love life, their vocabulary starts to change. At first, you don’t pay it any attention, but after some time it starts to weird you out. You notice them saying things like “I can’t get too attached,” as if their feelings will be the ones hurt if things don’t work out.
They talk about how the last person you were interested in let them down so now they have commitment issues. They think you come as a package deal. Your friends make it seem like whoever is interested in you has to get along with them as well.
While it is preferred that your friends like your choice of relationship partner, they are not the ones who will be in the relationship. Setting boundaries with your friends is important. An easy way to do this is to not share everything with your friends. This way they know certain topics are off limits and there is a clear understanding that it is your love life, not theirs.
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Alexis George is a writer who covers love, relationship advice, astrology, and personality topics. Her work has been featured in BlueNotes, NSM Today, and Central Florida Lifestyle.