4 Things To Know Before Dating A Guy Who's Still Friends With His Ex
She's only a threat if you see her as such.
Charles DeLoye on Unsplash One of the first things I knew about my boyfriend was that he was still friends with his ex. He and his high school girlfriend had been friends long before they were a couple and were still friends long after it.
Of course, hearing all of this literally on the first day we met definitely threw me for a loop. I'm one of those people who wipes their hands clean of past relationships and gets rid of everything their ex ever touched.
I couldn't wrap my mind around why he was friends with her, what it meant or even if it meant anything at all. I was at a loss, so I decided to play it by ear.
Can y'all guess what it meant for our relationship? Absolutely nothing.
She's one of his oldest and dearest friends, and who am I to get in the way of that? I know you guys are probably reading this thinking, "This girl is not only stupid, but also crazy," but just hear me out on this one.
He never compares me to her, he rarely brings her up. They're just friends, like any other friends. This is a new chapter of his life, and a new one for you and your boyfriend. Realize that they ended things, and they've moved on.
It all starts with trust. For sure it's going to be weird in the beginning, but relationships on their own are kind of weird in the beginning. As you two date for longer and build that trust, it's really up to you if you're going to be bothered by the situation.
I know it's a tough thing to get the hang of, but here are some tips on how to accept if your boyfriend is still friends with his ex while you're building your own relationship with each other.
1. She's only a threat if you perceive her that way.
Whichever way you frame the situation in your head is how you're going to see it. If you constantly think about your man leaving you for her, even though there has been literally zero signs to make you think that, then she'll always just be some evil villain to you. Accepting her as just another friend your man has will leave you a lot less stressed and also remove a lot of stress from the relationship.
My boyfriend knew I felt weird about it at first, and even now he makes sure I'm okay with it every now and then. If I hadn't accepted it, every one of those conversations would have been another fight.
2. It will take a little time to get used to it.
Don't shut your significant other out every time they bring her up. Listen to the stories, get to know her through him. The more you know about her the less she will seem like this big scary ominous figure.
Like I said, the more trust there is in the relationship the easier it'll be to look at her as just another friend rather than someone your boyfriend dated. Some days you'll think about it more than others, but most days you'll be okay. Seeing things like prom pictures or old comments on Instagram will be just as weird as if you saw them from any ex, so don't make a bigger deal than it has to be just because they're from her.
3. Listen to him.
I know this is something that can be hard to do, especially if you're not the type, but trust him. Listen to him when he tells you there is no chance of them getting back together. Listen to him when he tells you he loves you and no one else. Listen to him when he tells you you're being crazy.
This is something else that comes with trust, but you've got to do it. Don't be afraid to ask questions about them, it'll help the whole situation. Basic things like how long they dated and when they broke up are totally fine to ask, as long as you're actually going to listen to him when he answers. If you start to question everything he says, it'll only mean more trouble for you guys.
4. Have faith in your relationship.
Let's be real here, you didn't start dating someone just for the heck of it. You started because you want a future with them. Don't let something as small as a friendship take that away from you.
If your boyfriend makes you happier than a girl with an unlimited credit card in Sephora, hold on to it. Your boyfriend's ex is a friend, remember that. Trust him to respect you and your relationship.
Josie Fuller is a writer who studies Journalism and Women's Studies at The University of Florida. When she’s not researching new things to write about, she enjoys spending her time watching Bob's Burgers and baking.