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Are you still holding onto him?
By Rebecca Jane Stokes — Written on Jul 12, 2018
People often ask me a lot of questions about their love lives. While there are several questions that crop up frequently, the ones that get asked the most are, "Is there a method for how to get over him?" "Do I have the tools for how to move on?" "How can I tell that I'm over my ex?"
The truth is there are no cut and dried answers to these questions. There is no magical equation you can run that will mete out the proper timeframe it will take to heal from a relationship. Sorry, but human beings just don't work that way.
Usually, I tell the person asking this question what I believe is the truth: We DON'T actually ever get over people.
We're always going to remember them. What matters is that we find a way to put the memory of our time with them in the past so it doesn't hold us back from experiencing love once more.
You know, exactly the thing you would think a relationship expert might say on the subject. It's the truth, but that doesn't always mean that it's very satisfying or easy to hear, especially when you're looking for a clear answer about HOW to know you're ready to move on to the next stage of your romantic life.
While there is no definitive timeline we can consult to help us determine whether or not we're over that dude for good, there are signs we can all look for. I asked some of my friends, and together we came up with a list of signs from our own lives that helped us realize we were done with the done and ready to get out there again.
Breakups aren't easy, and neither is starting over when you decided to do that, but please know you aren't alone. We've all been there, and we all know just hard it is to let go of something that you once thought was going to last forever.
With that in mind, here are 10 signs you are finally over him for good.
1. You have no more tears left to shed.
You don't cry when you talk about them. You don't cry when you talk about them with your friends, or your mom or therapist. You don't cry when you wake up from a dream about them. You don't cry when you're writing agonized poetry about them. In fact, you probably don't even write agonized poetry about them.
2. You develop feelings for other people.
When you fall for someone else, or at least catch a serious case of crush-itis, the second you're able to get all butterfly-feeling in the guts (and groin) about someone new, you're almost home free!
3. You throw his stuff in the trash.
When you can throw out his old stuff without feeling sentimental about it. That pair of his boxers you wore to bed? That one sock that seems to turn up constantly? Bin it. In fact, you're almost tempted to burn the stuff to prove a point... but you actually aren't even really invested in such a gesture anymore.
4. You don't say his name.
You used to say his name all the time, to everyone. You'd look for reasons just to say it out loud. Now, you just don't, because he isn't on your mind. No more shall this "puppy" be named by you — because you're finally grasping how to get over him.
5. You cut off contact.
You finally manage to delete his number from your phone or at least change it back to his name from "hellspawn motherclucker." Back in the day it was all about when you finally forget his phone number, but now it's your digital contact list.
6. Your memory changes.
When you first break up with someone, all you do is think about the good times you spent together. You know you're actually over them when all those "sweet" memories are forgotten and all that remains are the memories of the bad times.
7. You move on from his parents, too.
Getting over them is one thing, but getting over the parents? That's a whole other thing. We've all had those would-be in-laws that we just couldn't shake. When you finally stop sending them Christmas cards, you know you're done for good.
8. You stop daydreaming about the future with him.
Remember how when you started dating you would dream about how his last name would sound as your last name? Did you ever go so far that you named your future kids and imagined what they would like? You did. We all did. When you stop that, you're done.
9. You can listen to your "song" without reacting.
He made you playlists, he made you mix tapes. You never officially had "a song," but a million songs are about you and him. When you can listen to them again and enjoy them all on your own, you're over him.
10. You remove him from social media.
When you've jut broken up with someone their social media is a nightmare war zone that you can't pry yourself away from checking. What's his lastest Instagram story? What is saying on Facebook? Does he seem sad in his tweets? You'll know you're done for good when you don't even think about creeping into his DMs.
Rebecca Jane Stokes is a writer living in Brooklyn, New York with her cat, Batman. She hosts the love and dating advice show, Becca After Dark, on YourTango's Facebook Page every Tuesday and Thursday at 10:15 pm Eastern. For more of her work, check out her Tumblr.
