If You Kiss Like This, Good Luck Getting A Guy To Call You Back

I always say that the best thing about OKCupid (aside from the never-ending horror stories it provides for my friends’ entertainment) is meeting my dear friend, DEF. We dated briefly and realized we were better off as very good friends. He’s one of my main sounding boards and we swap stories regularly.

About a year and a half ago, DEF and I were chatting about his latest date. He liked her enough but the kiss was…bad. Like, really bad. He was struggling with whether he should say anything or remain quiet and hope it might improve.

Naturally I was curious. He described it to me. My curiosity turned to befuddlement. It sounded very odd. The next time I saw him, I made him demonstrate it for me. Yep, strange.

But it got weirder. Not long after this conversation with DEF, I went on a second date with a really cool guy. We shared a few great kisses a couple of New Year’s Eves ago.

(Don’t get too excited for me. After complimenting my kissing and saying that he was looking for an emotionally available and intelligent woman, I never heard from him again.)

RELATED: If You Don't Like How They Kiss, It Will NEVER Work Out. Period.

During our date, we were talking and kissing and sharing dating debacles. He specifically mentioned digging the way I kissed. He went on to say that he’d been on a date recently with a woman he was attracted to, but when he went to kiss her, she did this weird thing.

I had him demonstrate it. Sure enough — it was the same thing DEF had described!

Several months later, I met a THIRD guy who confirmed that he had been kissed in the same way!

You’re totally wondering how these women kissed, aren’t you?

Like little fish. Fish kisses.

[ETA: I had incorrectly assumed that everyone knew what a fish kiss was. Here is how it was described by all three guys: the woman’s mouth is virtually closed and the mouth is a bit puckered (definitely not the selfie duck pout). The head bobs forward ever so slightly in a short repetitive motion. No tongue. No pulling. No sucking. No nibbling. The lips are coming at you directly straight on. It is not a warm-up. That IS the kiss.]

Grown adult women are kissing guys like this. All of these women are in their 30s.

Is this a thing? I mean, I know I’m not a spring chicken but I feel reasonably competent and knowledgeable about the right way to kiss.

RELATED: How To Be A Good Kisser: The Science Of Kissing

Fish kissing? Is it a trend? Is this a thing that women think is seductive?

I couldn’t help but wonder if this wasn’t a way for women to avoid having to kiss with any tongue. Perhaps that was the catalyst for the fish kiss technique.

I feel like I should Google it, but I’m just too exhausted to learn yet another creepy and/or bizarre dating-in-the-2010s thing that I don’t want to know.

Note to women who think fish kissing is a good idea: it’s not.

I’m dying to know if any of my guy readers have encountered the fish kiss. Is it really a thing? Or did just a handful of Austin 30-something women decide to experiment with it in 2016 and 2017? Is it as weird as it seems? Am I missing out on something amazing?

Enlighten me, readers! Because as of now, I am disavowing the fish kiss!

Note: I am keeping DEF’s name private, but I’m super bummed I can’t tell you what “DEF” stands for because it’s frickin’ awesome! (I will confirm that, no, the “F” is not a certain 4-letter word.)

This story was partially inspired by Scott Muska’s “Different Kissing Styles.” I agree that there can be compatibility issues, but I think some people are, in fact, bad kissers and/or using REALLY ill-conceived kissing techniques!

RELATED: How To Become A Great Kisser (Because You're Not As Good At It As You Think)

Bonnie Barton shares authentic tales about life lessons and dating foibles. Find more of her work, including her music/fashion/travel blog Bonnie's Mixed Tape, on Medium.