It's pretty tough to be fluent in all five, after all.
By Rebecca Jane Stokes — Written on May 16, 2021
If you have any experience at all with dating, love, and relationships, you know there are countless books on self-help and psychology available to guide you when things aren't going as smoothly as you'd like.
However, much like optical illusions, relationships shape-shift when looked at from the perspective of each partner and how their own dominant personality traits drive their likes, dislikes, behaviors, and so on.
Most of these books miss the mark precisely because they don't start from a place of allowing you to take a personality test or quiz that serves as the road map to viewing your love life as being in sort of a "choose your own adventure" mode at all times.
That's just the start of what sets Dr. Gary Chapman's book "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate" apart from the rest.
According to Dr. Chapman, your love language is the way in which you inherently prefer to both give and receive expressions of love.
And all of us speak at least one of the five primary love languages:
1. Receiving gifts: showing love by receiving or granting gifts
2. Quality time: showing love by giving your full, undivided attention when spending time together
3. Words of affirmation: showing love by affirming your partner through your words
4. Acts of service/devotion: showing love by performing practical tasks for someone
5. Physical touch: showing love through physical affection
You can know your love language by reading Dr. Chapman's book, or you can take a simple love language quiz to see which one you relate to most.
If you're involved in a relationship in which you don't feel loved or appreciated, or where you feel as though your own gestures of love and appreciation go unnoticed, chances are good that the reason has to do with your inability to speak with your partner's love language and vice versa; your partner feels love or expresses their love differently.
When you figure out which love language each of you speaks, the doors of healthy communication blow wide open, and a love language personality test is perfect for that.
The most common love language is words of affirmation, and these others follow in order from most common to least common: quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and receiving gifts.
But figuring out your primary love language is, of course, only the first step. To go deeper, it's helpful to find out which love language(s) you have the most difficulty speaking and understanding.
To practice your own love language on yourself, there are certain things you can do.
For words of affirmation, start journaling and writing prompts starting with “I am,” “I can,” and “I will,” as well as other self-affirmations and beliefs to start a new routine or self-love.
If your love language is quality time, plan time just for yourself to relax or rest, and do whatever you want to do: meditating, yoga, going on a walk, reading a book, dancing, or cooking yourself a meal all to yourself.
If your love language is receiving gifts, spend a day treating yourself to some well-needed online shopping or retail therapy.
If your love language is acts of service, do things that will be good for your well-being or help you feel more organized like scheduling your week, cleaning the house, or cooking new recipes you wanted to try out.
If your love language is physical touch, practice your love language on yourself by treating yourself to self-care activities like getting a massage, stretching, taking a bath, doing a face mask, or going to the spa.
Knowing each other's strengths and weaknesses can make for a bond no one and nothing can destroy.
To figure out which love language you have the most difficulty giving or receiving, take this easy personality test, designed to quickly and accurately help you pinpoint which love language is your weakest.
Here's how this free love language test works. Simply look at the picture below and make a mental note of the image you see first.
Then, scroll down to find out what this optical illusions-based personality test reveals about which of the five love languages is your greatest hidden weakness.
1. If you saw the man in red first...
If the first thing you saw when you looked at the image was the man in red, the love language that is your hidden weakness is quality time.
To you, time always seems to be in short supply. That's why you have a tendency to multi-task, even when it comes to your social and romantic engagements.
Listen, I get it. There just aren't enough hours in the day, but if you're dating a person whose love language is quality time, you're going to lose that person unless you can find a couple of hours during the week to set aside for just the two of you.
2. If you saw the man on his knees first...
If the first thing you saw when you looked at the image was the man on his knees, the love language that is your hidden weakness is acts of service or devotion.
You just don't know how to properly ask for this in your romantic relationship without it being conflated as an expression of a desire to be dominated.
The only way to make it clear to your partner that you aren't asking for anything bedroom-related is to let them know that nothing makes you feel more loved and loving than to be able to do little things for your partner throughout the day.
And the best way to explain this concept to someone is to show them. Never be afraid to ask for what you want and what you need in love.
3. If you saw the hidden face first...
If the first thing you saw when you looked at the image was the hidden face, the love language that is your hidden weakness is words of affirmation.
You are terrified that if your partner knew how much you live for the words of sweetness and kindness that they send your way that they will think you are weak and leave you.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Chances are your partner will be incredibly relieved to know that the facade you present of constant strength is just that — a total facade. Sharing this, no matter how much it scares you, will only bring the two of you closer than ever before.
4. If you saw the man in the shadows first...
If the first thing you saw when you looked at the image was the man in shadows, the love languages that are your hidden weaknesses are both physical touch and receiving gifts.
That's right. You've got the double whammy of potential weaknesses, and that's because love and relationships don't come naturally to you at all. They are challenging. Anything that forces you out of your insular bubble is a challenge.
If physical touch scares you, remember there are different versions of this. Holding their hand in the dark of a movie theater or lightly rubbing their back at night before they fall asleep are just two of the many small gestures that will appeal to a partner who speaks the language of touch.
And if your partner speaks the love language of receiving gifts, don't get locked in your head about it. They aren't saying they want a new diamond ring every Monday. All they want is to know that you've been thinking about them. That's easily done!
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Rebecca Jane Stokes is a writer and the Senior Editor of Pop Culture at Newsweek with a passion for lifestyle, geek news, and true crime.