10 Inevitable Things That Happen When You're A Mistress (And Why Leaving Him Is The Best Thing For Your Sanity)

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Being a mistress
Heartbreak, Love

Make it an affair to forget.

Having spent over three years of my life hopelessly in love with someone who I was absolutely certain was my destined partner, I have come to realize some very important things about marginal versus true love.

I was an executive living in a sophisticated city. After many years of being single, I decided to focus on finding my perfect man. I wrote a fantasy list about what he might be like.

One month later, we met. We had known each other in high school and were serendipitously reunited decades later by a technical fluke on LinkedIn. We had a harmless drink together while I was on a business trip. Drinks became dinner, with much laughter and reminiscing. It was love at first sight. Fate.

He never discussed his wife in the beginning. He had been married for almost 20 years. I never expected to become his mistress...

I ignored all the statistics and articles about affairs, rationalized my religious upbringing, and compromised every moral fiber in my body. It felt like everything I had held out for my entire life led to that one moment: when my dream guy told me of his plan to begin our new life together.

All the heartache seemed worthwhile... until he disappeared without a word for weeks afterward. In the end it was all about selfishness, obsession and greed on his part. A textbook cliché and a terrible mistake in hindsight, but when you are in your very first love bubble, you are completely irrational and absolutely blind.

The bottom line is that 99 percent of the time, married men will not leave their wives, and they definitely won't leave their children or fortunes. If they do leave, statistics of success are unfavorable. If you are a mistress, here are 10 things that are guaranteed to happen.

1. He will sleep with both you, and his wife.

He may even admit it, and you will think it's just temporary as he is "in transition," but this disrespectful behavior will continue. He will do what he needs to in order to keep the peace at home. After all, "it's complicated."

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2. He will still love his wife, no matter how great you are.

You may be his "baby doll" and new best friend, but she is the mother of his children. That bond and history is like cement, especially if she is loyal and still loves him. She controls the mood in the home and the happiness of his kids. He will not risk disruption of his children's development; they are his proud achievement.

3. He won't make you a priority.

He will squeeze you in around important agendas at work and precious moments with his family to make you feel important. He will give you just enough calls, texts, dinners, token gifts, cards, letters and I love you's to keep you in tow for months, making you forget you are only on the sidelines of his life, not in the core.

He may even be bold enough to keep a corporate condo with you in another location to add to your delusion. You will forget as you play "house" that you are just the mistress, not the Mrs. 

4. You'll spend holidays alone.

Unless you have a busy career and close social network of friends and family, you will feel very lonely as he spoils his wife and kids on birthdays, Valentine’s Day, Easter, long weekends, Christmas and New Year's Eve. You may receive cheap, untraceable or consumable gifts in lieu of real time together. 

Family vacations or excursions with his wife (if he even tells you about them) will be torturous as you are reminded you are nothing more than a secret. You will try harder to make him see what he has been missing when you welcome him back home. He will reinforce how much he is in love with you from the distance and time apart, and that he will tell his wife soon, so you stay.

5. You'll hide your life from friends and family.

You will eventually avoid interacting with certain friends and family as time in the affair bubble goes on and it becomes harder and harder to lie to them about your dating situation. Why is a great girl like you still single? Have you met anyone? Are you being too picky?

You begin to question how "great" you really are for getting into such a shameful situation. But you have his keys, credit card numbers, passwords, and his secrets. You have come this far; surely he cannot live in duality for much longer. Life is about taking risks, especially for true love, right? Wrong.

6. You'll wait in vain for years hoping for a day that will never come.

If you think this is the first time he has stepped out of his marriage, think again. Embezzlers steal small amounts of money before they move up to stealing millions.

Men cheat in different ways before they become comfortable with full-fledged affairs. You might actually believe your situation is different and that you are special. You will waste valuable time waiting in vain for a love that will never materialize. 

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7. When you try to leave, he'll rope you back in.

If you attempt to end the affair, he will let you go every time because he doesn't want to be responsible for holding you back. He will manipulate you with his tears, love letters, roses and heart-wrenching voice messages. There will be more empty promises that he will finally talk to his wife, but know this: he will never leave her, his kids, or his money.

The more you put your foot out the door, the more he will become concerned about your long-term loyalty, so you return to him, hoping to prove you will be there when he leaves. You know this situation is making you absolutely miserable when you are apart. You beg him to tell his wife — she deserves to know! Your mood will become more volatile as you think of his wife at home waiting for him, innocent and unsuspecting.

This is just not right, and you know it. Questioning him only upsets him, so you hide the pain and try not to complain.

8. You'll start to feel extreme guilt and remorse.

Over time, your guilty subconscious mind may develop anxiety-related conditions as you struggle with the duplicity of the affair. Somewhere along the line, that confident, intelligent woman disappeared. You won't recognize who you have become. You will think you are going crazy. 

You'll feel trapped. You are truly in love with him and cannot be with anyone else, but he's not being loyal to you. A part of you will die every time you compromise and go back to him when he says he can't live without you. Yet, in the end, he definitely can.

9. He'll finally admit he cannot leave his wife. 

You will feel used and cheap when you realize that your "true love" values his family and lifestyle more than living an open, honest new life with you.

Mistresses are like diamonds: sparkly, beautiful and worn for special occasions. Wives are like water: needed every day to sustain the well-being of his family, relatives, financial and social status. Wives are part of the core. Mistresses are marginal. Both women are kept in the dark. 

10. You'll let go.

You finally pack up and walk out the door for good, realizing this situation is like an infinity circle and his indecision is making you unfocused in all areas of your life. You are on the road to healing, but be warned: Once a married man cheats, he's very likely to do it again.

He may complain to you he's sexually frustrated and lonely as you stand your ground and send him back to his wife. He may even claim he made a mistake by letting you go. You want him to make an honest woman out of you, so you remain resolute. You cry hard because you miss him so much.

You have just one small ounce of hope left for a future together, but the void of frequent sex and attention will not work for him. Be prepared to find he has slyly moved on to someone much younger, and more stupid than you were. If he's in a position of power at work, she will most likely be a naive and ambitious girl who he can mentor, promote, and travel with undetected on the company tab. 

His guilt, if any, will be short-lived for wasting your time should you happen to find him out. After all, you were a part of it and you knew what you were getting into. Don't be surprised if your loving gifts are discarded and you are ignored while his new playmate feeds his ego.

He will feel sorry for you and apologize for disappointing you. He knows that your road ahead will be much harder than his.

Suddenly, you will realize with full force and momentous magnitude that you have wasted years of your life for literally... nothing. Any beautiful memories of love and romance you once cherished will be tainted and cheapened by his new affair choice. 

You now know you were just a blip, a "highlight" in his life, while he was everything in yours. Unless you are blessed enough to meet a wonderful, honest and patient man, your journey of recovery will be long. A therapist may become your new best friend.

Most friends will have little empathy for women like you. Some will quietly think you got what you deserved, while others will suddenly be very busy when you need that shoulder to cry on. There is no pity for the marginal mistress. You will be judged, and alone.

The time it will take to redirect your derailed life may be much longer than the time you actually spent in the relationship. The memories will haunt you. The mental anguish and humiliation will age you. Not one doctor will be able to diagnose the phantom pains in your body. You will come to realize this was never about "fate," but about choice.

My strong advice: Don't do it. Don't date or have sex with a married man for any reason. Leave him as soon as you can and do not look back. Any guy that cheats on his wife is a coward and a liar. He's not worth another moment of your precious time. Instead, stay focused on your new path as a wiser, more empathetic and humbled woman. 

Although the scars on your heart will always be there as a reminder of the lost time and hurt, you will learn the most valuable lesson of all: the best kind of love you can offer is the true love and respect you give to yourself, first.

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