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It takes two to tango, and if he’s dead weight, you gotta dip.
By Ossiana Tepfenhart — Written on Jan 19, 2018
There are few things that are as emotionally damaging than being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t pull their own weight.
When you’re with someone who isn't pulling their weight in your relationship, you often start questioning what’s wrong with you. The more they neglect you or just “ride the gravy train” without putting effort back in, the worse it hurts — and in most cases, the needier you get.
What’s weird about being in a one-sided relationship is that you often don’t realize how bad it is when it’s happening to you. Make no mistake about it — if he’s doing any of these things, he’s not putting in effort and you should pull the plug.
1. You regularly feel like you’re the one doing all the work.
Generally speaking, if you feel that way, you probably are doing an unfair share of the work. For example, if you do most of the cooking, cleaning, childcare, date night planning, and financial providing for the two of you, then yeah, he’s not pulling his weight.
2. People have told you your partner isn't pulling their fair share.
It’s rare to actually hear other people remark so negatively on a relationship. Assuming that they are friends, them saying that may not be something judgmental. Rather, it may be a sign that you’re being taken advantage of by someone you’re in a relationship with and that they are seeing you burning out as a result of it.
3. It literally takes ultimatums for them to do anything for you.
Do you have to threaten him with leaving just to get him to do the bare minimum? Does it feel like you may need to resort to that, even if you haven’t already? Chances are that he knows he’s being lazy, but that he’s hoping you’ll just huff and puff about it rather than just leave.
4. You regularly wonder if he’s even listening to you.
There’s a difference between hearing and listening. Sure, he heard you say that you needed something done, but did he actually listen? If you don’t get the feeling that he really takes your opinion into consideration, it’s probably a one-sided relationship.
5. When you actually have a sit down to discuss what needs to be done, he agrees to it but nothing ever comes of it.
This is a lot like the concept of “fairy food”: It looks great, but in the end, it’s not satisfying you and nothing ever changes. If you find him doing little but providing lip service that “he’ll change,” it’s time to call it quits. He won’t change, no matter how much he’s trying to convince you otherwise.
6. Your partner has made you feel unreasonable for asking them things you’d gladly do yourself.
This is particularly toxic behavior, because in this case, they know they are not pulling their weight, and rather than change for the better, they decided to just blame you for having reasonable expectations. For example, if you ask them to have sex once a month, and they say something like, “It’s always about sex with you, isn’t it?”
If they shame you for asking them to do the bare minimum, then guess what? It’s abuse, along with them not pulling their weight. You may want to get this leech away from you.
7. Though it’s never openly said, you’re pretty sure he wouldn't do half the things you do for him.
You want to believe otherwise, but deep down inside, you probably have that hunch. More often than not, the vibe you get about how committed a guy is will be correct. If you feel like they wouldn’t do the same for you, chances are they really, truly wouldn’t.
8. You constantly end up saying something along the lines of, “Nevermind, I’ll do it.”
This is one of those phrases that angry parents tend to utter when their kids are lazy pains in the butt, and if you find yourself saying that around your partner, that says volumes about what’s going on in your relationship.
9. You’re doing the majority of the work hoping that it’ll get better, even though there’s no legitimate reason for you to be doing so.
I swear, sometimes it feels like “it’ll get better” is one of the most toxic phrases in the world when it comes to relationships.
If your partner doesn’t do much of anything and you’re doing most of the work, hoping they’ll eventually change, I’ve got news for you: They have no reason to change, and probably never will.
10. If you were honest, you’re beginning to get resentful about it.
I’m a firm believer that, once resentment starts to make itself present in your relationship, the relationship is over. The reason why is because, even if you overcome the issue, the resentment will still be there. If he’s done enough to make you feel resentful over his lack of effort, it’s time to break up.
11. You find yourself resorting to very manipulative behavior to get your way.
Once again, this is a very similar point to the resentfulness issue. Do you really want to have to be manipulative and underhanded just so that you have a partner who will pull his own weight? That’s a really exhausting way to deal with a partnership, and frankly, it’s never worth the effort.
12. The lack of effort on your partner’s part has started to make you wonder why you’re not enough.
Do you feel used or depressed because you can’t seem to get your partner to pull their weight? Well, the good news is that it’s not your fault. The bad news is that you can’t do anything to solve it and that the relationship has run its course.
13. You’ve become way more needy, even though it’s not like you to be that way.
Most people don’t become needy overnight. Neediness tends to mean that certain needs are not being met, and if you find yourself acting that way, chances are it’s because you feel like your partner isn’t putting in the effort or showing that they care.
Should this happen, you’ll find your neediness dropping once you split up with them.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a Jack-of-all-trades writer based out of Red Bank, New Jersey. When she's not writing, she's drinking red wine and chilling with some cool cats. You can follow her @bluntandwitty on Twitter.
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