Stop Assuming Every Woman Is Leading You On Just Because She's Nice To You

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difference between friendliness and leading on

She's just saying 'hi', not asking for a first date.

By Kristen Buccigrossi

Sometimes I struggle to understand what is going on in the minds of the male species. Correction, I’m always struggling to figure out what is going on in the psyche of the male species.

No matter what you tell them about women and how they are feeling, they seem to think the opposite. It doesn’t matter how obvious something can be, a man will continue to believe that they know best about a woman’s feelings, even if the advice is coming from a female herself.

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Recently I had gotten into a little bit of a “tiff” with a coworker over what his definition of “leading someone on” was. While I had made it very apparent that I wasn’t interested in any men at the current moment, he said that I was good at leading people on. I asked why he said that and he said that people (meaning him) misconstrue my friendliness with leading them on.

With that being said, it has come to my attention that we might need to go over the difference between being friendly versus leading someone on.

Let us start with the basics…

The definition of being friendly:

Smiling at people. Saying hi to one another in the hallway. Asking how your weekend was. Holding the door open for them. Assisting them when they need help with a large box or are having difficulty understanding a problem. Offering them a tissue if they had sneezed and their hand is super snotty. When asked on a date, she will say thank you, but no thank you.

The definition of leading someone on is flirting, but not acting on it.

Making it seem as though women are interested in dating by dropping hints about their favorite restaurants, but not accepting invitations. Making you feel as though you are just around as a placeholder for something better. Sleeping with them, but never going on a date with them. When asked on a date, she will say maybe, or we will see, never giving a definite answer.

The significant difference between the two: Action. Her actions towards you are the way to tell the difference between friendliness and leading someone on. 

Let’s go over an example to make sure it is evident (because it wasn’t to my male coworker):

An older gentleman is “overly friendly” with a younger girl. He is an “odd-character” and not a lot of people are nice to him, so the girl feels as though she sometimes has to make up for the rude people. While she is friendly with him and on occasion asks how his weekend was, she does not go out of her way to make further conversation with him or to give him extra details into her life.

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To the obvious outsider, it is apparent that she isn’t and will never be interested in this older gentleman. She is an overly-friendly person, so she is just being nice to him as she is with every other person. When asked, she had firmly turned down hanging out with him, as well as giving no apparent signs that she is interested in him or any other gentleman around him.

To the spectator who can’t ever seem to understand the difference between a woman being friendly and a woman who is “leading him on,” he thinks that if a woman is friendly in any way, she is leading him on. If she isn’t interested, she should be a “bitch” towards him. According to him, that is the only way that a man is going to get it through their head that a woman is not interested.

Newsflash: Some women prefer not to be bitches. Why is it that a woman has to change her personality for a man to get it through his head that she is not interested?

A woman is not trying to lead you on when she is being friendly to you. She is being nice to you because that is who she is as a person.

When a woman says, “Hi how was your weekend?”, please don’t misconstrue that into “Hi I want to sleep with you”. It is plain and simple, if a woman says she is into you, she will make it known that she would like to see you and talk to you more often. If she said that she isn’t, she is going to be interested in anything other than the surface.

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There is no leading on, no mind games, no hope for you if you can’t get that through your thick skull.

Lesson to be learned: Be observant to how she is acting with you. No matter how much you think she is being “mysterious” with you, she is being obvious with her feelings.

The major difference between being friendly and leading you on is action.

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If she has accepted your offer on multiple occasions but hasn’t followed through, she most likely is leading you on. Another big way to tell if she is leading you on is by using the terms “maybe” or “we will see.” If a woman is genuinely interested in a guy, she will be saying nothing but yes. No mind games are being played, if a female were interested, she would be upfront with it.

This article was originally published at Unwritten. Reprinted with permission from the author.