I Put An Ad On Craigslist Offering To Judge Penises For Free — Here Are My D*ck Pic Reviews

Photo: Courtesy of the Author
I Put An Ad On Craigslist Offering To Judge Penises For Free — Here Are My D*ck Pic Reviews

Sex work is a field that has always fascinated me. I love that something that was once all about using women as objects has been transformed by badass women into a position of power and, for many, a viable way for them to make their living.

Because we live in the age of the Internet and Rule 34 — i.e., if you can think of it, there is porn for it — sex workers on the web have to be industrious and original.

It was out of this bright, bold, and enterprising industry that the newest trend began: charging men a fee in exchange for a written review of their dick pics.

After reading an article about this, I found myself trolling the pages of the r/sexsells subreddit — self-described as "the sex-positive hub for buying every adult item and service available on Reddit!" 

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There I marveled at just how many money-making penis critics seem to be raking in the cash doing what most women do far too often without their consent, let alone without getting paid for it: looking at pictures of penises sent by men they've never met (and hopefully never will).

The more I read, the more curious I became.

I mean, I like penises AND I'm a writer who is already being paid for her skills. What would it be like to make this my next freelance gig? What would it be like to make this my life? 

I decided after a few minutes of contemplation (maybe just one, 'cuz I'll be real, I was ready to see some strangeness) and after getting my boyfriend's OK to put up an ad on Craigslist offering to judge men's penises free of charge. It was simple and upfront.

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I said that I was a sex writer, that I'd heard this was a new trend making waves in the sex worker community, and that I was curious to try it out. 

I included a photograph of myself (in a very silly wig) and promised the men who responded both anonymity and a written assessment of their members. 

In just 20 minutes I had an inbox full of 96 penises for my consideration.

Well, 95. One of the aforementioned penises was temporarily being withheld by a man asking for links back to samples of my writing.

I suppose this was so he could be certain his review would be of the highest written quality or to figure out whether or not I was the real deal or some combination of the two. Either way, I respected his gumption and responded in turn with a link to my web portfolio.

He responded with a photo of his erect penis and a note that helpfully mentioned, "Your phone number is in your email signature."

I, in turn, thanked him for his prompt response and attention to my security. I then let him know that while his penis was on the thinner side, its length was impressive and I wouldn't be surprised if it had heat-seeking capabilities. 

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The thing that surprised me about all of these emails wasn't the penises. After all, I had explicitly been like, "Come at me with that D, bro." 

Instead, it was the courtesy with which these men wrote to me with their requests.

In addition to photos of mostly circumcised penises of every race and creed, I received many pleases and thank yous. Even the sleazy guys were nice enough, in their own slimy way.

Said one, "To be perfectly honest with you, I think that pictures are way too unreliable. They can be very deceiving and if someone sends you pics of someone other than themselves, which is highly likely to happen, then it totally defeats the purpose. Anyway, I am in Manhattan and would be happy to personally show you mine at a public restroom somewhere. It would take only a few minutes to slip into a place, give you a good peek, get your opinion, and then be on both of our ways out. If you have any interest in this let me know. I can travel a reasonable distance in order for you to be able to write about it for your work."

I declined his request to meet in a public bathroom because I am not George Michael (RIP) and also because COME ON, DUDE!

Moving on, I decided to judge the penises in the order in which they were received.

The first query that came my way was accompanied simply by the words "judge away" and the subject in question had taken the photo in a dark room with a big ol' flash. While poor in photographic quality, the penis itself was quite something to behold.

(I drew replicas of the penises since unsolicited penis pictures are usually not welcome, even in articles)

Hence, my review:

"While the photograph itself is fuzzy, the star of the image absolutely has no trouble coming into focus. It's rare to see a penis that's got length AND girth, so this is indeed a splendid one to behold. Your penis has the kind of plump veins dildo artists dream of recreating in their own medium. Also, has anyone ever told you that its slight curve is basically ideal when it comes to accessing the G-Spot? Because it is. Yours is the type of penis that makes a cervix cringe — and I promise you that this is a very good thing."

The next picture I received was accompanied by this kind and bashful message:

"Hey Becca, heard you were reviewing dick pics! Feel like I'm small down there."

While this man's penis was smaller than the last one I had reviewed, it was by no means, like, Donald Trump level small. Plus, I found there to be something very endearing about his photograph, which he took while sitting on his bed with his boxers pulled down only the bare minimum necessary to show me the goods.

Official review #3:

"Don't be so hard on yourself! Your penis is a good and serviceable size. It's not 'short' in the least. It's got enough thickness to please any woman. And the fact that you're uncircumcised means you're probably enjoying sex a whole lot more than some other men out there. The slight angle to your penis makes me think that you're probably quite capable of those hip twisting gyrations that drive women wild."

The next inquiry I received came along with the subject line "Recently Single Athletic Guy."

I was initially concerned that this dude thought I was looking for a date, but the text of his message made what he actually wanted crystal clear.  

"So, I recently just got out of a relationship and haven't had sex with any other girl for the past 4 years than that girlfriend, who was long distance. Saw your ad and wanted to see if my selfie game needs to improve."

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The attached selfie didn't only show a penis so long I could hear my vagina scream, but a set of abs that would make the Rock himself sit up and take notice.

I did my best to give the fine man my most restrained and unbiased review:

"Sending a penis like this for my consideration is like when beautiful thin girls ask if they are fat. I kind of want to be like, 'Shut up. You know that every single thing about you is insanely perfect, and also, you've got abs for years,' but I promised to give free ratings to anyone who asked, and, as such, I will proceed like the true professional I am. Your penis 100% looks like the first dildo I ever bought myself, and that dildo was far too large for my virginal self. It's straight as an arrow and while I don't mind a bend, something about that straight shot makes what you have to offer even more tantalizing. Also, yeah, your selfie game is fine. You will be single for like, ten minutes MAX."

Reviewing penises is challenging work.

Seriously. Unless a man gave me explicit instructions about what he was looking for, there are really only so many factors to consider about an erect penis when it's not in your presence and you aren't interacting with it.

That's one reason dick pics make me roll my eyes.

Sure, you've got a penis. It looks great. But what can you DO with it? That's what I want to know.

I found it much easier to answer men who said things like, "Go easy on me," or "I really want you to rip me apart," because then I could write toward a specific goal. But after I'd written somewhere around my tenth review, my responses pretty much became the verbal equivalent of shrugs. 

This job may be low-intensity sex work in regard to the spectrum of how intimate you're getting with a stranger but for a professional writer, this was remarkably challenging.

While no penis is exactly the same, they all also kind of are.

All that said, when I am inevitably fired from my current job for reviewing penises on the Internet, it's good to know I could probably make an INSANE amount of money charging as little as 5 dollars per review. If I answered 100 per day... you guys, I might be in the wrong field.

The last time I was between jobs and in dire straights financially, I had to publicly ask my family and friends for help paying my rent. If I had instead been charging men for the privilege of telling them whether or not they had nice genitalia, I might not have needed to look for another job. And let me tell you, the idea of being my own boss is crazy empowering!

Of course, I'm not saying this is easy money.

After one day spent sifting through penises, I wasn't just considering upgrading my thesaurus, I was also feeling vaguely queasy and unsettled. Although it took me a while to identify the feeling, I now recognize it as the same one I get when a man calls me a rude name in the comments on one of my articles or when I'm sent an unsolicited dick pic.

So while sure, my clothes stayed on as I conducted my reviews, I still felt very much in the role of sexual object, and even though I was the one making the rules and passing the judgments, I didn't feel as drunk with power as I hoped I would.

That said, I now have an excellent body of future masturbation material saved on my hard drive, as well as a new and improved fondness for my boyfriend's penis, which is one I would happily give a giant thumbs up.

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Rebecca Jane Stokes is a sex, humor, and lifestyle writer living in Brooklyn, New York with her cat, Batman. For more of her work, check out her Tumblr.