Your Vagina Is Bleaching All Of Your Black Underwear


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I'm 34 years old, and I'm still learning new things about my vagina every day.

Let me rephrase.

I'm 34 years old and I'm still learning new things about vaginas, in general, every day. I've pretty much got mine figured out, though I'm sure it's still got some curve balls to throw my way (I'm looking at you childbirth and/or a bad-ass yeast infection.) 

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Vaginas are often advertised as being mysterious. Men and their testes and penises flop all around, easy to identify and even easier to access. We women keep our genitals nicely packaged. Even our clitoris appears to be tiny and subtle just above our vaginal openings.

The truth is a little bit different than that. Our vaginas aren't really delicate handbags; they are closer to being the human body's equivalent Seal Team Six. 



Yeah, that's right. Vaginas are rigorously trained operatives, ready to chopper in, bust skulls, and liberate nations, all before dinner time.

Penises and balls, by comparison, are more like drunken locals deciding to start a militia: the intent is there, but they lack guile, skill, organization, and intelligence. 

If you doubt me, let me present you with something amazing I learned about the vagina this week.

Have you ever owned a pair of black underpants?

Sure you have. 

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Have you ever noticed that over time, the crotch of said underpants begins to bleach out?

Because they totally do. The black gives way to orange or reddish white splotches right in the crotch, like you're secreting Clorox. 


If you are like me, you probably chalked this up to the fact that you menstruate once a month and somehow, somewhere along the line, you decided to try to bleach your period underwear.

But here's the thing: that didn't happen.

Those "bleach" stains in your drawers?

They were caused by your own vaginal discharge! 


Yeah, I know, that's right! It's crazy! 

Your vagina is like a self-cleaning oven. If men don't clean their penises, they get cheesy and possibly infected. It's smegma, USA, population, his dank-ass wiener. 

So why don't women need to worry about soaping up our vaginas? BECAUSE OUR VAGINAS LITERALLY CLEAN THEMSELVES.

That constantly changing discharge that can make us all cringe? It's the refuse! 

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While you drink too much Chardonnay, bust a gut laughing with your bestie or objectify construction workers, your vagina, without your knowledge, is keeping your itself ship-shape at night.


This means that the pH levels of your vaginal discharge are constantly changing depending on where you are in your menstrual cycle. 

When your pH levels are high, you're gonna bleach out your drawers. It's just what happens. 

You have two options for how to proceed with this information. 


You can stop buying black underwear, or you can embrace the hard work your vagina does for you daily and view those bleach stains as a receipt for a job well-done. 

I say go for the second one.

I also suggest sharing this information with every person in your life, because it's crazy that I didn't know it — and I am a trained professional! 


Let's demystify women's bodies. Let's make them just as acceptable to discuss as a man's body. 

We aren't mysterious enigmas; we are just designed a little bit differently. So we should celebrate those differences instead of cringing away from them!

Wear your bleach stains like a badge of honor and thank your vagina that you don't have any problems down there because of it!