How To Take Charge Of Your Own Orgasms (By Yourself OR With A Lover)

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How To Bring Yourself To Orgasm (By Yourself OR With A Lover)

In this fast food culture, women’s sexual release is often relegated to the back of the bus. Nowhere is this more evident than in the female orgasm and how it’s attained. I’m going to tell you how to take charge of your own orgasm.

As a woman who went on a sexual discovery journey, I learned a few things on the way about orgasms in general and orgasms for women specifically.

For instance, an orgasm should be thought of not as the climax of a specific act, but should include the act itself. 

Candice Holdorf, a columnist for The Orgasmic Life and Elephant Journal, has a definition of orgasm that really resonates with me:

“Orgasm is pulsing breath of life that births every moment. Orgasm is the chilly tickle on the edge of my skin as my lover draws his tongue from the edge of my ear to the tip of my nipple. It’s the warm flush in my face and genitals when I reveal a taboo desire. It is the fire of my hunger and the blazing force that opens me to pleasure.”

This definition of orgasm refers to all-encompassing act where a woman can fully take advance of and surrender to all the pleasures that lead up to her climax.

But how can we achieve this heightened state?

Here are four steps you can take to make your way there:

1. Give yourself permission.

I’m not being patronizing. As women we do it all, we are breadwinners, mothers, students, career women and a lot more. We do so much for others on a daily basis that we sometimes forget that it is just as important (if not more so) to nurture ourselves with as much care.

When you are in the position to be receiving an orgasm, whether it’s by yourself or with a partner, take a moment to recognize that this is your time. Give yourself permission to accept the love and the pleasure that comes with such an intimate act.

Relax into the moment with deep breaths and stilling your mind. Concentrate on how your partner is touching you (or you are touching yourself). Allow the glorious feelings that come with this directed touch to reverberate within and use it as an opportunity to connect on a deeper level with yourself and/or your partner i.e., your needs, your pleasure zones, and your relaxation. 

This is a time to connect intimately with your partner and even with yourself.

RELATED: 3 Ways To Get Back In The Mood For HOT Sex Even When You're Pretty Much Over It

2. Let your senses guide you.

Your senses are your best friend in orgasm, as they communicate with you by their degree of intensity. Don’t forget about them and let them happen. Pay attention to what they are telling you.

Do you get goose bumps when she flicks her tongue on your belly button? Do you get wet when he kisses your neck?

Do you flinch with pleasure when you massage your mons?

Your body’s various levels of response to certain stimulation give you information about how you like to cum — and it’s not all physical. What your partner whispers in your ear can lead to a visceral response as well. Even the music you play or pure silence punctuated with your own breathing and moans could be something that excites you.

Whatever it is, make note of it and communicate it with your partner later (or show him by moans and groans while he’s doing it) or if flying solo, make a mental note for yourself for next time.

3. Set the stage.

Respect the time you’ve set aside for orgasm and make certain you don’t inadvertently set yourself up to fail. If you’re anxiously awaiting a call from work in an hour, chances are you won’t be able to fully relax into your body and be present.

Make sure you honor this time and set the stage for an intimate and sexy rendezvous with yourself and/or your partner.

Do candles get you in the mood? Light ‘em up! Does Enya make you feel sultry? Pop her in the iPod. Maybe you feel sexy naked or like to lounge about in just a bra? Perhaps you like to be in the dark or in a freshly made bed?

Whatever it is, don’t be stingy. This is YOUR time and you should make it count.

RELATED: Whether Or Not Men Find You Sexy Has NOTHING To Do With Your Size Or Shape

4. Try something new and different.

Something I have been interested in exploring lately is Orgasmic Meditation (“OMing” for short). OMing is a mindfulness practice where the object of focus is the clitoris.

Developed by Nicole Daedone, author of Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm, OMing is an exercise done in its entirety with a partner (although it can be practiced on one’s own) that promotes the slow massaging of the clitoris and surrounding vulva. The apparent result is a blissfully languorous indulgence for the woman where all attention is placed on making her feel good, becoming more intimately connected as a couple as well as extending the “sensory peak” that precedes climax.

All in all, the basic message here is to remain open and self-aware.

Men and women both deserve to take advantage of all the pleasure human body is capable of. Besides being enjoyable, orgasm is a natural and free way to achieve stress relief, a built-in mood equalizer and just plain fun!

Explore your potential and allow yourself the freedom to come … and come … and come!

A singular voice in the sexual health community and a body acceptance thought-leader, Elle Chase is a sought after sex education/sexuality expert for such outlets as TODAY SHOW on NBC, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, The Huffington Post, Men’s Health and Buzzfeed. Chase is also the creator of the award-winning feminist sensual images blog LadyCheeky (warning: NSFW). Her much anticipated first book, “Curvy Girl Sex: 101 Body-Positive Positions to Empower Your Sex Life,” is available now.

This article was originally published at Smut for Smarties. Reprinted with permission from the author.