Love, Sex

Being Good In Bed Won't Make Him Marry You — This Will

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good in bed

I had a knack for dating men who didn’t want to marry. Which was fine, because I didn’t want to marry. Until I did. 

When I was dating my last commitment-phobic man he made it very clear that sex was his top priority in a relationship and that he was terrified that marriage would put an end to it. So for the entirety of our five-year relationship, I said “no” to sex only once.

I remember the fallout from that as if it happened yesterday instead of 15 years ago.

My man rolled on his back in bed and began kicking his feet and having a tantrum like a 2-year-old: “I want sex, I want sex, I want sex!”

The truth is it was a funny moment between us. He meant to sound like a toddler begging for a cookie and I found it endearing. We had our good moments.

But I think we were particularly close on that one night (an oasis in a sh*tastrophy) and I felt, like a contestant on American Idol, that I was safe until next week.

The rest of the time I worried that, as a tall, strapping, handsome fireman, my beau might give in to the temptation of all the badge bunnies sniffing around the station during his overnight shifts. I hoped, by being an all-night convenience store for sex, he might stay faithful (he didn’t). And I also wanted him to know that he could count on non-stop sex if he married me (he didn’t).

Here’s why it doesn't matter if you're good in bed — he still won't commit to you.

1. Men who are afraid of commitment will be able to smell something rotten in Denmark (even when you’ve showered).

Commitment-phobes are like bloodhounds when it comes to agendas. They can smell you gaming them over any camouflaging pheromones you emit.

2. Men who are afraid of commitment often feel smothered by having sex with you.

And they will react against being smothered by having sex with the next available female in order to rid themselves of the obligation sex makes them feel toward you. Even if he's great at sex, he can feel smothered.

3. Having sex with a man in order to convince him you’d be a good wife puts too much pressure on the lovemaking.

Can you say performance anxiety? It’s incredibly difficult to actually enjoy sex when you’re using it as a weapon. And no matter how well you can fake an orgasm, a man can tell when you aren’t authentically turned on.

4. Having sex with a man to convince him to marry you is self-abandonment.

Whenever we give another person power over us, we lose ourselves and often abandon our principals and the things we value. There’s nothing less appealing than a woman who has no self-esteem and is willing to ditch herself to win a man.

5. If you do manage to convince a commitment-phobe to marry you based on the sex you provide, you will have to keep this up forever.

Do you really want to be married to someone you have to turn somersaults for day-after-day, year-after-year for fear if you don’t he’ll want out? Now add to that the pressures of raising children and making a living.

There’s no doubt that being good in bed or being great at sex is incredibly important to a healthy marriage, but man cannot live on lust fulfillment alone. Building your marriage on sex is like building it on the Louisiana bog of Naked and Afraid. It’s bound to sink and someone’s bound to be killed by a water mocassin. Yes, that could happen.


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This article was originally published at Huffington Post. Reprinted with permission from the author.