Photo: Weheartit
Hint: They have nothing to do with your behavior.
By Arianna Jeret — Written on Jun 01, 2017
There are few things as painful in life as breaking up with someone you love deeply and had expected to be "the one." And let's face, even a break up with someone you never really thought you'd stay with long-term is no gleeful walk in the park.
No matter whether you were the one who called it quits or the one left crumpled in a devastated puddle of tears and confusion, ending a relationship just plain old sucks.
And in the wake of any relationship's ruin, people do silly, silly things in an effort to mask and control the agony of their heartbreak.
Maybe you cut off your long, luscious locks of hair. (He loved it?! I'll show him! It's the NEW me!)
Maybe you dive furiously into a daily meditation practice. (I said, "Om," dang it!)
Maybe you grab your girls and a margarita and head to the nearest tattoo parlor in town. (He thinks I'm not independent enough?! HA!)
We've all gone down some hardcore roads of transformation in an effort to forget the pain and move on, so no one here is judging, of course. It's just, most of the time, all these impulsive kinds of changes do is entrench you further in ruminating on what went wrong, especially on what YOU did wrong and whether or not you will ever do anything right again. And frankly, as understandable as that it, it's just not helpful.
However, there are things that you can and should do, things that will help you put your sadness and longing aside while you grieve appropriately and recenter your core self.
Here are 9 things to change after breaking up with someone you love in order to heal and keep moving forward:
1. Your go-to playlist.
There is a special kind of pain one can only know in that moment when you are driving along feeling perfectly calm and finally at ease when ... That song plays ... And then that one ... And then THAT one! Hearing music that you once listened to while lying sweetly in bed with your now ex-love is its own special kind of hellish torment.
Do yourself and your tear ducts a huge solid and change up your playlist before you hop into the car for a drive. Both you and your fellow drivers will be grateful you did.
2. Your perfume/cologne.
You probably know how powerful the human sense of smell is and how long-lasting and evocative our memory of particular scents can be, but what you may not know is why.
According to the American Academy of Otolaryngology, "Smell and taste contribute to our enjoyment of life by stimulating a desire to eat which not only nourishes our bodies, but also enhances our social activities. When smell and taste become impaired, we eat poorly, socialize less, and feel worse. Smell and taste warn us of dangers, such as fire, poisonous fumes, and spoiled food."
While it may be tempting to sit and sniff that t-shirt your ex left at your place "accidentally" just before they said goodbye forever, keeping yourself stuck on either their scent or the scent you always wore when they were around can keep you from getting out there in the world trying new things and meeting new people. Find a new scent that makes you feel happy, fresh and alive.
3. Your favorite junk TV series.
A solid Netflix binge session is certainly a comforting post-breakup activity — unless you're binging on that show the two of you loved to watch together. The danger of a sloppy "OMG-you-missed-it!" text is just too great, my friend.
Just say no and check out something brand new instead.
4. Your social media settings.
There's no need to unfriend your ex if you've parted on friendly terms. In fact, that potentially makes things even more awkward when you calm down later, want to revisit the friendship and find yourself stuck in the humbling position of deciding whether or not to send a new friend request. Did they not see it or are they ignoring it? Is their new "person" making them say no? What? Are they too good for you now?
It's far wiser and more rational to simply mute their presence from your Newsfeed by unfollowing rather than unfriending. You avoid looking petty in the heat of the moment, as no one can see the distinction between which of their friends follows them, does not follow them or even opts to "see you first," and you leave your choices for future connection unburdened by that moment you otherwise clearly said you wanted nothing to do with them again.
5. Your go-to restaurant.
The craving for comfort for is about as innate as it gets, so by all means, treat yourself to what makes you feel satisfied and cared for (within moderation, of course).
But there are plenty of places you can find with food as tasty as "your" place. There's no need to make yourself heartsick all over again by smelling the delicious smells you both looked forward to sharing together or having to deal with your favorite questions about where your "hot date" is tonight.
6. Your sex toys.
Crying while masturbating has to be one of the most tragically self-punishing things one can do to oneself. And who wants to find out later they've been having a literally blast co-playing with a dildo, vibrator or butt plug you first purchased while surfing the internet pre-the-BEST-sex-of-your-life-to-date with your now ex? No one wants to find that out, that's who.
Do yourself and your future partner a favor and wave those bad boys goodbye. Just think of all of the fun you'll have "meeting" your new and improved replacements!
7. Your bedding.
I'm not sure if there is any sound scientific data on this (or even any unsound scientific data, for that matter), but I just don't see how lying in the same sheets and blankets you've been lying in night after night with your ex can be anything but negative juju.
You don't have to spend a fortune on replacements. Even if you just grab a new pair of $20 sheets and boil the comforter in hot water or purchase some dye at a craft store to give it a fresh look, you'll sleep much better at night in bedding that feels all your own.
8. Your passwords.
Not to sound paranoid or anything, but you just never know. If you've been in a relationship that was serious enough for the two of you to have ever shared even one of your passwords or devices there's always a chance that your ex could know how to log into your email, social media accounts and maybe even some of your financial accounts.
No matter how much you still like, trust and maybe even love this person, don't leave this one to chance.
9. Your lingerie collection.
You finally have a hot date with Mr. Rebound-Potential #1. Do you really want to find yourself crying in his bed "for no reason" when he undoes your bra and you suddenly flash back on the moment when you first showed it off to your ex?
Even if you don't have a new partner to show it off for yet, just the act of adorning your body in new sexy undies can make you feel special and spoiled in the most wonderful way.
You might even want to take some pictures of yourself in your new lacy (or cottony or latex-y) finds — for your own self! Check them out as a reminder to yourself that you are one hot tamale who doesn't need to settle for anyone who isn't exactly what YOU want for yourself in a partner.
You have nothing but the best to look forward to!
Senior Editor and happily-former divorce coach/mediator Arianna Jeret is a recognized expert on love, sex, and relationships (except when it comes to her own life, of course) who has been featured in Cosmopolitan, The Huffington Post, Yahoo Style, Fox News, Bustle, Parents and more. Join her Sundays at 10:15 PM EST when she answers your questions on Facebook Live on YourTango. For more, follow her on Twitter (@ariannajeret) and Instagram (@ariannajer).
