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You're burned out on love.
By Kira Asatryan
Last updated on Mar 22, 2024
The term “burnout" means experiencing exhaustion, dwindling motivation, and a loss of interest in something that formerly engaged you. We usually apply this term to working environments, but burnout can easily happen to people in their love lives — and often for the same reasons it happens in their work lives. At work, burnout usually occurs when you start to feel you’re working too hard for the results that are being produced. This can happen to us in our personal lives as well. Romantic relationships, especially ones on the decline, can become as demanding and taxing as a full-time job. If we follow all the relationship advice in the world and work exceedingly hard to make things work, and it still fails, the period of singledom that follows is often riddled with signs of burnout.
Here are 5 tiny signs you suffer from serious relationship exhaustion:
1. You think dating sounds awful
After a breakup, some people cannot wait to get back onto the dating scene, while others feel ambivalent or indifferent to dating for a long time. These are all relatively positive reactions to being single again. But if you have a strong negative reaction to the idea of going on a date for a significant period post-breakup, that’s an indication that you're tired of relationships.
2. You find little enjoyment in meeting potential mates
Most people find actively seeking dates (such as online dating) stressful, but what about meeting a potential mate organically? What if you meet someone you’d normally be interested in through work or a friend? If even this prospect brings you little joy, you may be feeling little joy in the relationship department in general.
3. Your emotional energy is depleted
Many people feel exhausted after a breakup, especially if there is moving and dividing of possessions involved. There’s a particular type of exhaustion that indicates relationship burnout, however: lack of emotional energy. If you find it hard to have an emotional reaction to anything, even small positive things like jokes and laughter, your emotional reserves may be burned out.
4. You remember the bad moments vividly
When somebody leaves a job because they found another opportunity or are excited to pursue a passion project, they tend to remember the previous job holistically — the good parts as well as the bad. If someone quits a job due to burnout, however, they tend to remember the overwhelming and stressful days most vividly. If you can only remember the fights you had with your former partner and not much else, the negative energy of the breakup is still very much with you.
5. You feel cynical or pessimistic about love in general
Do you imagine that if you got into another relationship, it would be doomed to fail? Do you find yourself speaking ill of the concept of love, calling it a lie or a prelude to pain? Do you secretly believe that people in love are fools? This type of disillusionment about love is an unfortunate consequence of relationship burnout. If you notice any of these signs in yourself, it may be time to recognize the role of relationship burnout in your life. Fortunately, there are things you can do to make this period of your life easier and move past it.
Here are 4 ways to fix it:
1. Give the previous relationship time to make sense
When you eventually become able to look back on a relationship and see the lessons it taught you, the relationship — no matter how bad — will start to hold a meaningful place in your life. Did the breakup make you stronger? Did it teach you more about what you need in a partner? Understanding these lessons will help you heal and prepare for your next relationship.
2. Be upfront with any potential partners
If you’re not ready to jump into another relationship, you’re not ready. Even if someone great comes along, there’s a good chance it won’t turn into lasting love if you’re still in the throes of relationship burnout. Have fun and meet people, but be upfront about not looking for anything serious.
3. Permit yourself not to be interested
Many newly single people feel great internal and (often) external pressure to “get back out there.” But if you’re genuinely not interested in being in a relationshippermit yourselfon to be alone. This may very well be your intuition telling you it’s time to reconnect with yourself.
4. Spark interest somewhere else in your life
If you’re going to disengage from the dating and relationship world for a while, be sure to cultivate passion and interest somewhere else in your life. What have you been longing to try? What gives you that spark of energy you've been missing? These are the pursuits that will, with time, draw you fully out of relationship burnout.
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Kira Asatryan is a certified relationship coach and author of Stop Being Lonely: Three Simple Steps to Developing Close Friendships and Deep Relationships.
This article was originally published at Psychology Today. Reprinted with permission from the author.