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They hurt because they’re true.
By Tom Burns — Written on Nov 03, 2016
Sex is a complex thing. It can be layered and complex and passionate and wonderful and AWKWARD. So, very, very awkward.
Almost every grown adult in the world has a first-hand awkward sex story lingering in the back of their mind.
Some people are more than happy to share those sex stories (“OMG, you won’t believe what happened”), while others live every day dreading that someone, anyone, will find out what they accidentally did in bed that one time.
They’re almost the opposite of classically erotic stories. Those kinds of sex narratives are almost promotional in nature, and cast the teller as some kind of sex hero.
Awkward sex stories serve a completely different purpose.
They humanize both sex and the person telling the tale. They remind us that sex isn’t usually like a porno or 50 Shades of Grey novel.
In real life, sex can be gross, uncomfortable, and embarrassing, and there’s nothing really wrong with that.
It’s just a very normal part of being a sexually active adult, gay, straight or anywhere in-between. Sometimes it’s going to get weird.
Recently, one of the forums on Reddit asked “What's the most awkward thing that's happened to you during sex?”, and people were surprisingly honest with their answers.
Here are 7 of our favorite responses — from both men and women — funny, awkward sex stories that will make you cringe with sympathy and remind you that you’re not the only one who ever got embarrassed between the sheets.
1. I’m HUGE … oh wait.
"I've told this story before but it's funny so what the hell.
When I lost my virginity, I had never seen a condom before (yay Texas sex ed). I didn't know how to use it very well. So when I put it on and tried to roll it down, it bound up about halfway down and I couldn't get it to go down any further. I thought that the condom was on all the way and that I had a monster dick. I was so excited.
The next time I had sex, the condom didn't bind and unrolled neatly all the way to the bottom. Nothing can compare to that feeling of utter dismay."
(From JMer806)
2. What’s that sound?
"We had just finished lunch — grilled cheese and tomato soup — and that comfy "post-soup feeling" turned into more... amorous tendencies. So we retired to the bedroom and started going at it.
Once we got into the swing of things, we were going at it missionary when all of a sudden she stopped making her usual noises and just kind of stared down at her waist area. Fearing the worst, I stopped looked down but saw nothing. So I resumed my thrusting. And that's when I heard it... *bloop, bloop, bloop*. Her stomach, still full of soup, was sloshing around in time with each thrust.
Well from that point sex was off because we couldn't stop laughing."
(From Crommunist)
3. Do you need a step-ladder?
"Matched with a guy on Tinder. Conversation leads to a plan to meet up for a drink and if it goes well, go back to his place for some sex. He drops the fact that he is 5'5 (I don't discriminate, but I'm 6'1). I'm just trying to fuck so I go anyway and take a few shots to get through the awkwardness. Start having sex and it's horrible. He was basically fucking the bed and thought it was my vagina.
I would reach down to try and redirect it to the correct channel and he would tell me not to stop and that whatever I was doing felt amazing. This guy was loving it while I stared at the ceiling until it was over. Still don't know how he wasn't aware that he was not in my pussy but I've never gotten dressed and GTFO faster than I did that time."
(From good_vibes1)
4. Why are you hitting yourself?
"My ex and I were getting handsy leading up to the act, I decide to get out of my clothes as fast as possible. Had on a sweater that had very tight cuffs. As I am pulling and pulling, my hand comes free unexpectedly and I punched myself in the face.
By the time she got done laughing I wasn't in the mood."
(From grizzly323)
5. Yes, thank you, I am relaxed.
"Am I the only person that doesn't think queefs are embarrassing? They usually happen during sex because he's pounding you with all his might ... If he doesn't know getting some air trapped in there is a possibility that's on him.
Anyways I farted as I came during oral once. I wanted to die. He laughed and said 'seems like you were really relaxed there' we never spoke of it again."
(From SwedishFishSlut)
6. AXE Body Spray can’t fix this problem.
"I was 20 and my girlfriend and I had been making out all morning. We were both virgins and decided to go all the way, but I didn't have condoms so I told her I'd walk across the street and buy some at 7-11.
It was early morning in SF so the fog was intense. I started down the stairs with a skip in my step, hit the sidewalk, and immediately felt something go horribly wrong beneath my foot. Before I could react, my legs slipped out from under me and I crumpled in a heap on the pavement like a fallen giant.
Turns out I had stepped in a huge puddle of homeless man vomit. My entire side was caked in puke and smelled like partially digested liquor. I went back inside and we spent the rest of the morning washing my clothes. Suffice to say, the mood was ruined.
I'm still a virgin to this day but that story now amuses me to no end, even if it ruined my shot at a great first experience."
(From gundamzphyr7)
7. I’m not crying, YOU’RE crying… sniff…
"Years ago, I met someone I would end up being friends with for several years at a convention. We both were just out of bad breakups, so we ended up drunkenly hooking up that night. I actually cried during sex to the thought that she wasn't my ex — thank FSM it was super dark in the room. I kept quiet, kept going, and she never knew."
(From memyselfandennui)