I Bought A Wooden Paddle To Sexually Spank The Sh*t Out Of My Spouse

Funkit Wooden Paddle Can Handle The Spanks (Review)

You know what you should do while waiting for your first paddle to be delivered? You should just make your own. No, I’m not talking about myself (have you seen my craft skills?).

I am talking about the owner of Funkit, who, while waiting for a paddle to arrive, decided that it would be faster to make his own. Well, he clearly did something right because these paddles are multi-functional and super-fun to use.

The Basics

Each Funkit paddle will be slightly different as they are homemade and can vary in design. Some might be lighter than others, or stained a bit darker, or have a slightly different curve. Each paddle takes between one to four hours of work depending on the wood (oak, bloodwood, Brazilian cherry, pine) and how complex the design is.

The paddle we received was made of birch plywood, cut with a scroll saw and shaped with a router. It was then sanded smooth, filled with butcher-block wax, and covered with polyurethane. Both materials protect it from moisture and bacteria, as well as give it a nice shiny finish.

The design is based on a chef’s knife, which means it has a really great grip to it. There is a hooked heel for scratching, a wide pommel for applying pressure, and narrows ends and sides for any use you desire. The idea behind this paddle is that every part of it can be used. There is no wasted space.

The full paddle is 4 inches wide and 11.5 inches long. The part of the handle that might come in contact with a spank is 3.5 inches wide and 5 inches long.

In Use

When we first saw the paddle we were surprised at the size! But it turns out that it is one of the factors that we really enjoy about it while using it.

We thought it would be too wide to use properly, but it actually provides the right amount of sting. The handle is large but easy to hold. We really like that it is fashioned after cooking knives. It makes it easy to hold and really easy to yield. It is perfect for controlling the intensity of spanking.

Like any paddle, it takes a few tries to get used to the strength. We’ve had no accidents with this, so we highly approve of the handling. You can tell it is handmade as the handle is not perfectly rounded and there are a few polishing drip marks, but we like that it has its own charm.

We don’t really use the paddle for things besides spanking, although the hard edges can be great for scratching and the curved handle can be great for applying pressure during a massage (like, really great). The trick is to hold the paddle "upside-down" so you can grip it without interference. Of course, we attempted to put Andy’s penis inside the handle hole but he was too girthy.

We are big fans of spanking. We spank each other with our hands all day long, so paddles have some fierce competition. This one definitely provides an added effect. It feels great in the hand of the holder and it feels great on the butt of the receiver. It doesn’t look too intimidating once you get used to the size, and it is a super-fun addition to the bedroom.


We were a bit sad that we learned it wasn’t recycled wood. Our paddle looks a bit like wood flooring, so we instantly thought that it might be up-cycled, but sadly it was not. Maybe a thought that can be applied to future paddles.


Although the butcher-block wax and polyurethrane make it resistant to water, it is not recommended to soak the paddle. Only dampen a soft cloth with water or a pH neutral cleanser, and make sure to wipe with a dry cloth. It is not recommended to insert the handle into any of your orifices.


At the moment, Funkit does not have any wood paddles listed, but you can definitely email them to make requests. They are also in the process of creating silicone paddles, so that is something to look forward to. The prices vary according to the amount of time it takes to create each paddle, so keep that in mind when ordering.


We’re really happy that we have a Funkit paddle as part of our collection and we often find ourselves reaching for it, whether randomly throughout the day for a good spank or during a sex session. We like the wide face as well as the knife-like handle. It has been a great addition! 

This article was originally published at A Couple Of Kinks. Reprinted with permission from the author.