If I Knew I Was Gonna Lose You, I Would've Kissed You One More Time

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If I Knew We Were Breaking Up, I Would've Kissed You Again

By Lauren Jarvis-Gibson

I guess I thought you would always come back to me. I thought that if you had the same amount of love for me as I did for you, then you’d eventually come back. I never thought you would actually leave me. For good.

It’s scary to think that a person you once knew as your soulmate, your best friend, your lover, can one day be everything to you, and then the next day, be a memory. Just. Like. That. They send you a message telling you, it’s over. They send you a message telling you that they have met someone else. And at first you try to convince yourself that they will change their mind.

Obviously they will, because they said – “forever”. Right?

But then, rain turns to snow, and snow turns to ice. And you realize that while you’re freezing in the cold, he’s living in summer. And he’s warm. But he’s not warm because of you anymore.

It’s scary to think that I was the one who used to warm him. I was the one who kissed his tears until they were gone. I was his first, and he was mine. I was the one who traveled on planes just to get to him, even though I f***ing hate them. I was the one who told him “Forever, right?”and he always said back to me, “Yes. Forever.”

I wish we had never said those words. It’s still engrained in my head that forever equals us. Not her. Not him. But, us. Did you know that there’s a park bench with our names carved on it permanently?

But, now I know. Words are just words. And words are never set in stone. People are just people. And people will change their minds. People will leave.

If I knew that you would leave me for good, I would’ve wanted to hug you. And tell you that even though it wasn’t the same for you, it will always be for me. And even though, I wasn’t your love anymore, that you were mine. And I guess I would’ve told you to keep that five year journal I gave you, so you can re-read our memories. And I would’ve told you to take care of yourself. Like I would have done.

And if I knew that you were going to forget me for good, I would’ve kissed you one last time. I would’ve kissed you so sweetly. I would’ve kissed you so gently. And you’d know that that when I said “forever”, I actually meant it.

And maybe I’d make it so, you could never forget me. Maybe, I’d make it so, you never left me at all.

Originally appeared on Thought Catalog. Check out thought.is for more information about Thought Catalog.


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