Love, Sex

If You’re STILL Trying To 'Come' Together, Read This (And RELAX)

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mutual orgasm

The magical mutual and simultaneous orgasm has taken on a powerful role in today's vision of ideal sexuality.

For most couples, the phenomenon of "coming together" remains elusive, so does it really MEAN anything?

Pressure on men to sexually satisfy their women is nothing new. In fact, many cultures (including Western culture, at various times)actually believed a woman's orgasm was as essential to conceiving a child as a man's. Some cultures even suggest that multiple female orgasms are necessary to create a healthy baby.

Just as women feel incredible internal and external pressure to orgasm, men feel incredible internal and external pressure to make that happen.

A man bases his sexual self-esteem and self-perception on his partners' responses to his technique.

When a man and a woman go to bed, she most likely worries about pleasing him with her body and appearance, while he most likely worries about his skills and ability to satisfy her.

This is the main reason women fake orgasms.

Women often tell me, "I knew I was never going to come that way, but I didn't want to him feel bad."

And sometimes, "I knew he wasn't going to stop until I came, so I finally just faked it so I could go to sleep already!"

And the pressure doesn't stop there.

It's not enough for the woman to have an orgasm, but to qualify as a truly wonderful and connected experience, both partners should magically orgasm together at the exact same instant!

Simultaneous orgasm has come to be seen as a vital and symbolic expression of a couples' exceptional communication, connection, bond, commitment, respect and sexual compatibility.

Thanks, Hollywood!

Granted, when it happens, it sure is nice. I simply can't find any significant research offering evidence that there is any significance we can ascribe to it (other than a few suggesting mutual, simultaneous orgasms are not nearly as common as people believe).

There is such incredible variation among people's bodies and sexual responses that mutual, simultaneous orgasms are at least as likely to result from accidental timing and synchronicity as they are to reflect any mystical, physical, or spiritual bond.

This issue has been on my mind of late, because of some clients I've seen in my practice.

I often spend a good portion of my time counseling both individuals and couples trying to get people to realize sexuality is about much than just orgasms.

Orgasms are a cherry on top of the experience, to be sure, but there is so much more to intimacy than worrying about whether someone climaxes or not.

Why let the end of an encounter determine the value of the experience over all? Why should the sexual encounter end with the climax? There can be a lot more after that along the lines of cuddling, talking, and the like. Or even another round!

It's like going to an amusement park.

You spend all day riding rides and having a great time. Then the last ride of the day ends up not being as much fun as all of you thought it would be. Does that last ride lead you to consider the whole day to have been a waste?

I often see people who approach sexuality that way — "It's all in the finish!" — believing that if the ending isn't exactly right, the entire experience loses its value.

Sex and intimacy are complicated enough.

The best chance of experiencing both at their most satisfying comes when we can stop putting so much pressure and expectation on ourselves and our partners and simply enjoy it for the wonderful experience it is.

This article was originally published at Psychology Today. Reprinted with permission from the author.