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Zumba: Essentially sweating to the Oldies, minus Richard Simmons.
By Bob Alaburda — Written on Apr 20, 2018
Did you know that the secret to getting in shape is a huge mystery? Occasionally, the "one weird trick" to a beautiful, healthy body sneaks out via a banner ad on a questionable website. But otherwise, modern science is stumped.
People are willing to do anything to be skinny — except eat right and exercise. That's why so many fitness crazes don't even bother with the latter.
Instead of working hard and improving your health, it's better to feel like you're doing those things. Mind over matter, after all.
And remember, the most important thing to look for in an exercise routine is something that makes you sound superior when you post about it to social media. Here's how the latest fitness trends stack up:
1. CrossFit: With CrossFit, you'll be creating your very own movie training montage — not all of the hard work that's implied to happen in between cuts, just the actual montage.
Feel the burn of grueling 30-second bursts of haphazardly playing with random farm equipment with no regard to proper form or scientifically proven methods of improving your health. Cool down with a smug Facebook post about plyometrics, which you're still free to post while recovering from an injury received while doing plyometrics.
2. Spin: We conveniently took all the best parts about bike riding — fresh air, scenery, and environmentally friendly personal transport — and replaced them with paying us money.
But that's not all! Spin also offers the benefit of being forced to listen to horrible techno (redundant, we know) while being screamed at by someone who's in the shape of absolutely nobody's goal physique.
3. Yoga: Join us at yoga class to practice something you've known how to do since seconds after birth (breathing) while making literally zero improvement to your cardiovascular or muscular health. Also, we're going to play make believe about spiritual energies and occasionally chant things ... but it's definitely not a cult.
Now, casually hang out in doggy style position for 6 minutes while we play Enya for no discernible reason. Cool?
4. Pilates: Pilates is an exercise regimen in which the participant pretends to be a table, because we all know how strong tables are. Pilates requires about the same level of commitment and physical exertion as the fad "planking," and is just as embarrassing to be caught doing.
5. Zumba: Essentially sweating to the oldies, minus Richard Simmons. So ... pointless.
6. Barre: Barre is the hot new ballet-based workout routine that allows you to attain the physique of a ballerina, without all that pesky bulimia. Because when you think Arnold Schwarzenegger, you think, "Yeah, ballet definitely got him there."
7. Kickboxing: Have you ever wanted to learn a fake martial art and thought Tai-Chi was too intense? Then kickboxing is for you. Be prepared to flail your feet occasionally with little-to-no instruction at a coma-inducing intensity level, after hours at a failed karate studio.
It will invariably be taught by a 40-year-old Tae-Kwon Do master who didn't know ahead of time that the only career path for a Tae-Kwon Do master is teaching kickboxing classes.
8. Pole dancing: Against all odds, we're the only legitimate exercise on this entire list.
