10 Things I Sometimes Miss About My Sh*tty Marriage

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I'm not strong enough to open pickle jars...

I'm sometimes asked, by people who don't know me very well, if I ever miss my marriage. They'll say well-meaning (or passive-aggressive) things like, "Don't you miss having someone to come home to?" or, "Don't you miss having a physical relationship?"

I usually just say, "No, not really." Or, start laughing. Or, throw up into the nearest bush.

But the other day, I thought about it and I realized that I've done those people a disservice. Honestly, there are a few reasons I miss my sh*tty marriage:

1. I just can't seem to get the hang of remembering when to put the trash cans by the curb.

If I have to stuff another week's worth of trash and recycling into already full containers, I may just have to ask him to swing by once a week. Or set a reminder on my phone.

2. The house doesn't look the same without his scattered things.

Dung-piles of loose change, dirty socks, collection of broken electronics, or his Mad Max poster. It lacks a certain ... what is it? Yeah, yak-factor.

3. Not having sex with him is almost as boring as sex with him was.

4. I miss those quiet conversations at the end of a long day.

The ones about him, his stress, his importance, him, his busyness, his workload, him, his goals, his boss, him, his plans for tomorrow and also, him. Thankfully, I can talk to myself now.

5. I keep running out of things for my car. 

Water, oil, transmission fluid, brake fluid, air, power steering fluid, and that blue stuff that I always see in the driveway.

6. I have twenty-seven unopened jars of pickles.

7. I'm five-foot one and he got the stepladder in the divorce.

8. I've been spending too much time taking care of myself.

Last month, I painted my toenails TWICE. It's a little shameful and self-absorbed, really. I was a less-selfish person when I was nursing him 24/7 for a week out of every month. Sinuses, you know.

9. I see way too little of his friends.

10. The money I've saved on bikini waxes has been shamelessly squandered on groceries, particularly coffee ice cream.

I really owe those well-meaning (passive aggressive) folks (jerks) an apology. I miss him more than I thought.

This article was originally published at www.unomum.com. Reprinted with permission from the author.