10 Rules That Would Exist If The Bible Hated Men Instead Of Women

Recently, a Christian website that gives relationship advice said that there is no such thing as marital rape. On the one hand, they're right, because rape is rape, regardless of circumstance.

Of course, though, they meant it in the super messed up way that only old school religious people ever think is OK — that even when a woman is taken against her will, if her husband wants to bone, they're boning. Which means he's raping her.

According to the website, it's the wife's job to please her husband. So, if he wants to do the deed and she doesn't, she can only request that they not do it.

If the man decides he still wants to do it, she just has to deal with it. Of course, they use the Bible as the source for this information.

First of all, it doesn't matter what the Bible says, because the law (and common sense) says that it's rape.

Second of all, what's up with the Bible and women? It was written a long time ago by a group of people who still considered women to be second-class citizens. Women can be sold to slavery, they can be stoned for not being pure or lying to men, and sons are more important than daughters.

Granted, the Bible is messed up all around, but women get it pretty bad throughout the Bible. Here's what it would sound like if the Bible treated men the way that it treated women:

1Nothing is so unclean as a guy who wears Axe body spray instead of taking a shower.

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2If a woman doesn’t believe that a man is a virgin, he must prove it by winning a game of Dungeons And Dragons. If he loses, he gets publicly stoned.

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3If a married couple is unable to conceive a child, the man has to scream at his weiner until it stops being lazy.

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4It's the job of every husband to notate and read back every story his wife tells him, no matter how long or pointless it is.

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5If a man takes a woman as a slave, he has to let her go and apologize to her.

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6If a betrothed virgin is found to not be virgin, then he must have uncomfortable conversations about sex with his mother, no matter how old he is.

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7If a man marries a woman and then decides that he hates her, he just has to learn to live with his decisions and deal with it.

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8If a man wants to have sex with his wife and she's not in the mood, he isn’t even allowed to masturbate. Jesus will get super-mad if he does.

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9If a man owes another man a debt, his wife gets to yell about him about it because finances affect the whole family.

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10When a woman conceives a boy, consider her unclean for seven days. If she conceives a girl, then she gets to have a party with ice cream and hunky dudes.

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