5 Stages Of "New Person Sex" Every Divorced Woman Goes Through

There I was, a woman in the midst of a crumbling marriage and sex life. And then when my ex-husband and I finally decided to divorce, I came to the harsh reality. I was going back to the dating poolThe Dating Pool. Scary, freaky, and all-around nuts. I was about to swim with the guppies, sharks, and big boys all over again after eight years of monogamy!

And oh wait, that also meant I was about to jump into the “sex pool” too! Other men! Other … penises. The possibilities excited me but also made me want to piss myself in a not-so cute way. How on earth could I, a 30-something single mom evolve into a fully-functioning partner with another person when I still felt like a chimp? Here are the 5 evolutionary stages of sex, post-divorce brought to you by me.

Stage #1: The Battery-Powered Stage

You know that point in which you know your marriage is over, you’re headed for divorce, and there’s no turning back? Well, that’s the time I faced facts that I needed to quench some of my sexual needs — on my own accord. So I grabbed one of my best friends and headed out to my favorite sex shop and picked out the purtiest, chargeable-operated friend. We got to know each other quite well, my new vibrator and me. I even have a pet name for it. Okay, I’m kidding. I started to wish it could cuddle and tell me I was pretty. Unfortunately, technology hasn’t figured out how to make that happen. Yet.

Stage #2: The Porn Stage

Once you realize your marriage is officially done, you start to panic a little. At least I did. I wondered: “Will another man find me, a mom, sexy?” “Do my boobs still look good?” And other deep, deep questions that filtered my crazy mind. Since I wasn’t ready to date, I got friendly with pornhub and other free internet porn sites. (How does anyone tolerate the acting to get to the excitement part?) Sorry kids, 50 Shades of Grey is too soft-core for me. I surfed around and indulged my curiosity until eventually, I got bored and sick of using the mute button. I needed a human being.

Stage #3: The Catastrophic, Hook-Up-With-Someone-Totally-Inappropriate Stage

This is the part after divorce when you decide you need actual live contact from the opposite sex. A real live man. Or so I thought. For some reason, men ages 23 to 25 are most drawn to me. So I went the cougar route. (And why the heck not? It worked for Demi Moore. At least for a little while.) So I chose one young sweet dude to practice my feminine wiles on. I felt so attractive and good — “Look at me! I scored a young one!” I wanted to shout like a filthy rotten pig.

But what happened in reality? Young Guy was so anxious about being with a “hot older woman” (his words, not mine) that he ended up getting horrifically drunk and instead of hooking up, I ended up taking care of him. I was mommy in real life and mommy in the bedroom. Sigh.

Following that incident, I went to a bar with a friend in an attempt to “get out there” like all the foolish non-divorced people tell you to do,and instead of mingling with nice adult men, I got harassed by a severely drunk (read: alcoholic) man who said I was a b*tch for turning down a date with him. This was the same dude who told my friend and me ad nausem that his ex-wife of ten years was a big whore. What a catch! To my Jewish dad who told me that husband number#2 should be a doctor — good luck, Dad.

I stayed far away from men for a while after this. I may have even worn garlic and carried a silver cross.

Stage #4: The Real Live, We're-On-An-Actual-Date Stage

This is when you don’t want to simply hook-up but instead decide to chance intimacy and dating again. After cleaning puke from my boytoy’s face, I decided maybe I needed to try the online dating route like all of my other civilized adult single friends. After months and months of rejecting everyone for the most mundane things like, “Why can’t he use your and you’re properly?” and “Does he realize no one cares that he can bench press?” I found one seemingly normal dude to go out with. Except that he was going through a divorce, too, and was in no shape ready to be on a date with me since every other sentence out of his mouth started and ended with, “my ex-wife.” A big part of me wanted to run away and join the circus, but apparently I’m no good at fire throwing. What a pity!

Stage #5: The He's-Out-There-But-Until-Then-I'm-Totally-Okay-With-Being-Single Stage

You know when you realize that it’s okay that you’re single still after divorce and that in fact, it’s probably a great thing? Well this happened to me. I fell in love with myself and found joy in my own company. I told the drunken idiots, creepy online dating dudes, and boytoys to go home. I accepted that the right person will come along when I least expect it and that while it sucks to wait at least I have a great battery-operated friend in the meantime!