Your Boyfriend: An Owner's Manual

your boyfriend

Congratulations on your purchase of [INSERT BOYFRIEND'S NAME HERE]. Contrary to the commercials, this product can be extremely challenging, temperamental and sometimes pull-your-hair-out frustrating, so it's important you follow these directions closely. Very closely.

Table of Contents:

1. User Guide
2. Special Features
3. Maintenance
4. Warnings
5. Returns and Exchanges

1. User Guide:
While this product is extremely self-sufficient, as the owner, you have a long list of responsibilities so it can perform to the best of its ability. And here's the tricky part: the product will at times resist. It's a complex machine, this one. It just pretends not to be. Fear not, underneath its iron exterior, you have a reliable system that can sustain and possibly even make you happy for life. If nothing else, remember this: feed it, love it and keep it near SportsCenter.

2. Special Features:
This product comes with an array of top-of-the-line features, all of which will automatically self-update to the latest version, including:

  • Built-In Navigation System: This product never gets lost ... or at least it thinks it doesn't.
  • Emotional Support System: The product's internal detection chip triggers when you have a bad day and will act accordingly via flowers, drinks or dinners. This also includes cuddling, hugging and kissing.
  • Child-Rearing Capabilities: Warning! This must be consensual or the product WILL self destruct.
  • Ability To Defuse High-Stress Situations: This product hates drama and will always attempt to destroy it immediately.
  • Physical Strength: Your new boyfriend can often lift items at least twice its own weight.
  • Highly Advanced Internal Memory System: Good news? The product will remember every good moment. Bad news? It may retain the bad ones … and use them against you.

3. Maintenance:
This product is waterproof, and should definitely be regularly cleaned with soap (note: at times, you may have to subtly enforce this.) Additionally, the entire system is sensitive (despite working very hard not to appear this way) and should be showered in love, affection and compliments. It often needs encouragement and reassurance it's doing a good job. Lastly, when acting temperamental, gently apply lotion, warm towels and apply soothing pressure to its troubled areas.

4. Warnings:
Do NOT under any circumstances:

  • Leave in the heat for long durations of time
  • Neglect to feed it at least 3-5 times a day
  • Interrupt its recharging time, which could include anything from guys' nights to Monday Night Football
  • Forgo its maintenance
  • Flirt with other products in front of it
  • Tell the product it's losing its hair
  • Talk about your past products
  • Become overly-reliant on the product (aka "clingy")

5. Returns and Exchanges:
While we would never dream to stamp this with a "100% money back guarantee", there is a lifetime warranty for this product. In other words, touch-ups are always available [see Maintenance] and, at any point during your ownership of this product, you can return (note: only for store credit) or exchange it for an upgrade. In fact, in several instances, we may even encourage that activity.