5 Ways Your Nagging Drives Men Insane (As Written By A Man)

girl kicking in shorts
Love, Self

Waterboarding and complaining about leaving the toilet seat up aren't too terribly different.

Sometimes being told what to do is really nice. Hear me out. It's not that it divorces us men from the consequences; we're always responsible for our actions. But one thing that women don't realize is that being told exactly what to do can take the thinking out of something you clearly don't want to do. 

It'll also make things ten times easier. However, being on the business end of a constant stream of critiques, veiled orders, words to the wise and "helpful" hints is a major bummer.

It's not just ladies who nag, fellas do too—but we call it carping, hectoring and emotional battery.

We like to say, "All's fair in love and war," but if the Geneva Convention makes it illegal to pull out someone's fingernails to get them to spill when the next attack is coming, it stands to reason that telling someone to hang up their polo four times in one week (who cares about wrinkles? I say bring 'em on!) should be outlawed.

Here are five ways in which nagging should just be declared a form of torture already:

1. It's clearly a stress tactic.

Nagging is eerily similar to invading a foreign country, ostensibly to prevent their proliferation of having sex with other people. But bothering your partner consistently about small things is not a good way to win him (or her!) over. Talk about a stressful position. Ba dum tish.

2. He'll be buried underneath the criticism for DAYS.

One of these days, the "enemy" may catch one of your guys (i.e. one of your few imperfections may emerge). If you covered your "opponent's" figurative mouth and nose with a cloth and poured water on it to simulate drowning, they will have no problem metaphorically submitting you to the "Pit Of Despair" and cranking "The Machine" to 50.

3. He'll agree to anything (but won't mean a word of it) just so you can stop. Talking.

When the screws (literally and figuratively) are really put to a person, he'll say anything to make the pain stop. He'll admit to hiding munitions, greenlighting Season Of The Witch OR promising to take out the garbage even though the goddamn thing is only two-thirds full.

4. He secretly thinks you're the devil incarnate. 

People don't (usually) harp incessantly on the same minor point because it's fun. They do it because it's worked for generations. Ask any torturer or nagger where they learned their craft—it's passed down. But, does efficacy of a method cleanse the stain from your soul?

5. He'll end up resenting you.

Let's be real. Do you really want to be the kind of person that pulls another person's tongue out and stabs it with a rusty screwdriver just to get what you want?

In a perfect world, the "bad guys" wouldn't have to be told, "Don't use the good hand towels," even though no one can tell the difference between any hand towels. But it's an imperfect world and we can't always be nice.