Why You Should Never Take A Friend As Your Wedding Guest

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Do NOT Take A Friend To A Wedding

Wedding season is upon us, and before it ends, I have some wedding advice for you. Some of your "cheapskate" friends will surely sneak in a fall or winter ceremony, but whenever it may be held, you should strongly consider going stag instead of inviting a wedding guest.

I'm not suggesting that you put Wite-Out over the "plus one" on the wedding invite if you're married or seriously dating someone. And by seriously dating, I mean have met parents (or some surrogate equivalent if distance, death or maximum security penitentiaries prove tricky) or have grown secretly bored with the sex you're having. Big, big milestones in any long, healthy relationship.

However, if you're merely concerned with just wanting to show off to a friend for the first time, do everyone a favor and leave that friend at home.

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First of all, other people's momentous occasions are boring. Outside of when that prince with the huge chompers married that chick whose sister had an amazing back porch, no one has ever watched the wedding of someone they didn't know and come away with anything other than, "Huh, how 'bout that?"

Maybe your friends are a bunch of hep cats, but babysitting your date is going to be a world-class pain in the perineum.

At some point, the talk is going to get to old shenanigans and funsters who couldn't make it to the wedding. Even good anecdotes get boring when you don't know anyone involved.

Furthermore, you're probably going to have to do some introductions and who wants to explain that you're "just friends" or maybe have sloppily rounded third base a time or two? Someone's grandma is going to insist that you're a cute couple and mention that she and her husband started out as "just friends," even though we all know for a fact that men and women only started being friends in 1962. Talk about pressure!

And let's not forget about all of those singles ready to tingle. Weddings do something to people. And that thing is of (potentially) high erotic value. At the risk of veering sharply into Wedding Crashers territory, nuptials are a fantastic time to meet someone whether for a night or 10,000 nights.

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Unless you're a coin toss from knowing someone biblically, you're missing out on a grand opportunity for the greatest thing known to man: hotel sex. Unfortunately, hotels don't come free (or without much handwringing).

Finally, flights also don't come free. Nor do dinners, hors d'oeuvres and fancy gift baskets. If you're not going to consider the strain of travel and new clothing expenditures, think about the absurd cost per plate the betrothed couple (or the bride's father) will be ponying up for your friend date.

Outside of an ounce of pre-booze loneliness, I can think of no single reason to insist on bringing a wedding guest as your date (outside of a decent chance of hotel sex). Sure, a crass uncle may think you're gay, but he may think doubly so when you introduce a date as just a friend. And who cares what that pederast thinks anyway?

That said, sometimes (like in a Julia Roberts film) you are absolutely convinced you can't go solo. That's when you have to fall back to this checklist:

  • Are they unbelievably fun to be around?
  • Do they dance?
  • Are they at least an eight in the looks department, or (if a man) a nine in the humor department?
  • Will they possibly put out (remember: hotel room sex)? If not, are they a talented and selfless wingman/woman?
  • Are they willing to chip in for travel and/or a gift?

If the answer to four out of five of these is a resounding "yes," feel free to invite your buddy... or pay a relative stranger.

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Tom Miller is a writer and performer based in New York, who also happens to be the General Manager and Coordinating Video Producer for YourTango.