Overcoming Fear Of Commitment And Creating A Healthy Partnership

Overcoming Fear of Commitment and Creating a Healthy Partnership
Love

So how do you feel about the “C” word? – no, not THAT one. I’m talking about commitment. It is one thing to choose to date someone exclusively, as you both may agree to be monogamous and fully committed to one another – until you get bored with it and move on to someone else. But to level up and commit to marriage? Now that is a BIG step!

Dating is like a weekend in Vegas, as you enjoy sampling the extensive buffets, throw down what you’ve got on the table, and hope for the best possible outcome. Yes, dating is a gamble and you have to be prepared for getting your heart broken, or being the heart-breaker.

After a few times of “loving and losing”, some people become a bit cynical and guarded with the idea of a committed relationship. They may feel scared to open themselves up to the intense feelings of bliss, as well as pain when exploring the great unknown territory of romantic love. Others may have a hard time settling down, as they enjoy the delicious variety of the all-you-can-eat buffet – finding it too difficult to commit to just one choice. Whether you are married, dating or single (or somewhere in-between), it is really quite interesting to ponder what the concept of commitment truly means to you.

Commitment is really only valid in the moment, as our feelings and perspectives are constantly changing. And we surely cannot expect to change another person – to make them into what we think they should be. Nothing is ever guaranteed, especially when depending on others to “make us happy”. We have no control of how someone else may feel or what they choose to do – now or in the future. We may have high expectations and great intentions, but how can we have faith in wedding vows when the divorce rate is so high? Why do people even get married anyway? – Especially when the definition of commitment means a pledge, promise or engagement, as well as confinement to a mental institution!

Stick with me here, as my seeming pessimism will soon make sense and transform into a positive revelation. For me, the fear of commitment was established at an early age while witnessing my parents failed marriages and others dealing with various relationship dramas, grief, betrayals, etc. Eventually, my own marriage of ten years painfully ended leaving me struggling as a single mother of two. I felt bitter and disheartened, resolving to never get married again. I have dated some since my divorce, however could never bring myself to fully commit to a healthy, happy, long-term relationship – until…

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” – Lao Tzu

Finally, after four years of being in a committed partnership and learning the truth and beauty within the quote above, I recently became engaged to be married. Yes, I am now choosing to jump in with both feet and take the big plunge! My contemplated response was awkwardly delayed after my boyfriend quasi-proposed several months prior. I had to find clarity and assurance with the notion of marriage before I could provide an honest reply. It took a long time for me to deprogram years of conditioning of feeling fear and resistance to marriage, and commit with total integrity to spend the rest of my life with him. I could not be rushed or pressured out of obligation, or even politeness. Rather I needed to delve deep into my soul, wrestle with my dark shadows, and find the courage within the core of my being to once again feel deserving of long-lasting happiness in true love.

Love is the force that transforms and improves the Soul of the World. – Paulo Coelho

It was while I was away on vacation last week without my mate that I had an epiphany to venture further down the rabbit hole of love’s mystery in the realm of holy matrimony. Distance makes the heart grow fonder as they say, and I naturally found myself longing for his presence during our time apart. While observing various happy couples around me who had enjoyed years of making fun memories together, accepting one another wholly – it came to me. This is what I want! I already have it! Why not “seal the deal” and celebrate it with all of our family and friends? Suddenly the idea of getting married felt like a terrific idea to me, which is surprising after years of confusion and opposition.

Subscribe to our newsletter.

Join now for YourTango's trending articles, top expert advice and personal horoscopes delivered straight to your inbox each morning.

“I’d learned enough from life’s experience to understand that destiny’s interventions can sometimes be read as invitation for us to address and even surmount our biggest fears.” – Elizabeth Gilbert from her book COMMITTED

Finding balance in a long-term partnership takes bravery, self-esteem, confidence, optimism and an indomitable spirit. We need to stay strong in holding on to our own individual beliefs, passions and personal goals while learning to compromise, share and respect one another. It is a balance of creating healthy boundaries while fully uniting our lives, love and future. As we focus on what we appreciate in our partner, we support and empower their good qualities rather than dwell in negativity and criticism.

The most important aspect of creating a healthy joyful marriage is to have fun together! Laughing often and sharing the simplest of joys is truly the key to building a strong bond and solid foundation to last through the best and worst of times. Maintaining a robust healthy sex life is also important. Keeping your communication open, honest and respectful is essential while in the bedroom, as well as in all other areas of your life. The honeymoon doesn’t have to end if you keep the passion alive. Have some various products on-hand to enhance your sexual experiences such as the Oceanus Sensuals Collection with premium lubricants, sensual massage and more! Enjoy!