Home-Schooled? Run Marathons? Sorry, You're Undateable

No sign
Contributor
Love, Sex

Let me tell you a little about myself: I'm a twentysomething woman who comes from a big, happy Irish family. I scored a 1210 on my SATs and attended a great college in Boston, where I graduated with honors. I have a job, I pay my own bills, I live in a nice studio apartment, and I make it a priority to feel and look good, inside and out. When men open the door for me, I say thank you.

Clearly none of that matters, though, because I pat down my greasy pizza with a napkin before eating it. Red flag, fellas! I'm undateable.

Ladies, I'd like to—need to, rather—introduce you to 100RedFlags.com, a blog that's slowly spewing out ludicrous and crass reasons why men shouldn't date us. As if there isn't enough pressure to look, act and feel like the "ideal" woman, there are now two guys—who are trying really hard to remain anonymous—telling the world that how you prep your food will ruin your chances of ever landing a man. 

Fannnntastic.

The male bloggers claim that they're revealing "the hilarious, head-turning antics of perpetually single women," specifically targeting girls who "wear heels to the bowling alley and pearls to the grocery store. It's also about the girl who eats vegetarian, wears granny panties on her first date, and thinks being the lead in her high school musical deserves a lifetime achievement award." 10 Major Dating Red Flags To Look Out For

Now, I'm not usually against offensive, half-serious online filler. I know that plenty of people post controversial content with the sole intention of it going viral—and then hide behind the "it's all in fun, don't take it so personally!" front when it does. I'm easygoing enough to appreciate embarrassing YouTube videos and cheesy email forwards for what they are: a way to pass the time at work. Heck, sometimes I'm the one who forwards them with a note: "HAHA! This is horrible, but it's so true!"

But I will not be sharing anything on 100 Red Flags with friends.

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Raise your hand if the following offends you. You are undateable if:

1. You were home-schooled, because it's "not normal, and it's likely that you've inherited some not-so-normal characteristics yourself. Simply put, you might be crazy." Home-Schooling Gave Me An Unusual Perspective On Dating
2. You ever owned a horse, because "lurking underneath you is a monster that will chew us out the first time we don't fulfill your precious demands."
3. You won't eat chicken wings, because "you're overly self-conscious," "you're not a good kisser," and "you can't handle adversity."
4. You carry condoms in your purse, because "we know you're not just open to having sex, you're expecting to have sex."
5. You've run more than one marathon, because "once the race starts, we have to act like we care…holding a goofy sign and yelling 'good job runners!' to 20,000 people we can't stand…including you."

Oh good, they've managed to attack us all. Glad we've established that. And for all of you ladies who took a job as a bartender to pay your way through college, don't worry. You're up next.

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It's good to know that the very traits that might make a woman more interesting should now be avoided at all costs. God forbid you like running marathons for your mother who died of cancer, or you take responsibility for practicing safe sex, or you don't like eating chicken wings because you don't f'in like chicken wings. Wow, you're going to be single forever!

Many of you will probably say that I'm taking this too seriously. Especially when the writers behind 100 Red Flags state that you should "join us in having a few laughs." But saying "JK JK" after a bad joke doesn't make it more funny or less obnoxious, and it doesn't stop the narrow-minded guys out there from taking it seriously. And if it is all just one big, fat joke, who would take the time and energy to write this stuff up, let alone make it into a book

Having that kind of idle time on your hands sounds like a HUGE red flag to us… and like two guys who obviously weren't home-schooled. Their parents would've taught them better.

What do you think of these "red flags"?