Are Wealth, Health And Semen The 3 Keys To Happiness?

Hmm ... we're intrigued.

girl with shocked face

You know how people believe that most engaged women are just an eyelash away from switching from happy fiancée to batsh*t bridezilla? It turns out that is not really true. Per the good Dr. Sanjay Gupta's blog, engaged people are America's happiest.

The study conducted by Keirsey Research correlated relative levels of happiness with various internal and external factors, and the result were largely as one might expect. Though money can't buy happiness, 73 percent of the people who made more than $75K listed themselves as "happy" while only 59 percent of people who made less than fifty thou said they were also happy. Sorry to borrow from Daniel Tosh, but have you ever seen an unhappy person riding a wave-runner? Money ain't so shabby.


And then there were the betrothed. Though the good Dr. Sanjay Gupta doesn't give the stats, he states that engaged Americans are the happiest, while the least happy are separated (but not divorced) Americans. Talk about complicated! And oddly enough, divorced people are equally as happy as married ones.

Finally, the biggest disparity between happy and unhappy is related to health. In the study, 72 percent of people who described themselves as in "excellent" or "very good" health were happy; conversely, 39 percent of people in "fair" or "poor" health were happy campers. So just eat, pray, love and you're G2G. Or rather, be engaged, make money and be healthy. And use semen.


"Whaaa?" is an acceptable response. As is "WTF." Per the world's best and most accessible science mag, Scientific American, semen makes women happy (at least some sexually active broads from SUNY-Albany circa '02, AKA my sweet spot):

"There is good in this goo. Such anxiolytic chemicals include, but are by no means limited to, cortisol (known to increase affection), estrone (which elevates mood), prolactin (a natural antidepressant), oxytocin (also elevates mood), thyrotropin-releasing hormone (another antidepressant), melatonin (a sleep-inducing agent) and even serotonin (perhaps the most well-known antidepressant neurotransmitter)."

Though the study referenced only makes a tenuous connection between semen and happiness, the punch line is that women who have unprotected sex trend toward being happier and less likely to attempt suicide (within the studied group only) than those who dabble with prophylactic use. Obviously, the easiest explanation is that going raw dog feels better, and that women won't have to listen to their fellas complain non-stop about having to wrap it up. Kidding. The real easiest explanation beyond the biochemistry is that couples who go bareback are likely closer and more comfortable with one another, and possibly also engaged.

Please read the Scientific American article before going on my VERY comprehensive paraphrasing. And for those of you that prefer to pull out during an unprotected bonk sesh, no word on the anti-depressant nature of preseminal fluid, but I'm guessing that if it can't really make a baby, it's probably no good for the blues.


Is this going to change any of your bedroom habits? Are you gonna throw out your Prozac and go to town?