She Wants To Be Dominated. He Doesn't Know How.


In this week's Savage Love, a young woman writes to Dan Savage about her desire for rough sex and her new boyfriend's seeming inability to give it to her.

"The last guy I dated used to toss me around like a rag doll," she explains, "and I miss being dominated." 

In order to remedy the situation, the woman has hatched a scheme: have a threesome with her new boyfriend and her ex-boyfriend, so that the new boyfriend can learn the basics of bondage, rape fantasies, etc. The new boyfriend, she tells Dan, is totally on board with the plan. Nonetheless, she can't help but wonder: "Am I being a selfish bitch?" and "Is it a bad sign that he's not satisfying me sexually after three months?" 

We can't help but think, however, that there might be a more important question she should be asking: "Is there a less complicated, more sure-fire way to teach my boyfriend how to teach me a lesson?"

Dan, unfortunately, never asks this question. Instead—as he should—he reassures her that her selfishness is fine ("You...want him to meet your needs—ably, skillfully—because you want to stay with him") and that sometimes it takes a while for a couple to sync up sexually. 

And then—as we wouldn't—he tells her that: "This threesome will help your current boyfriend up his game, thereby saving this relationship."

It's not that we're such prudes that we think threesomes are invariably a bad idea. Nor do we think there's anything wrong with looking back on follies with an old flame as inspiration for what to do with the current. It's just that there are other ways to help someone give you what you want in bed—ways that have a far slimmer chance of leading to explosively awkward emotional messiness. 

Might we suggest porn? Or perhaps instructional videos? Or books, classes, BDSM clubs? Really, there are a lot things worth trying that don't involve the person you used to adore and the person you currently do being naked in a room together.

Of course, if those methods don't work, have the kinky threesome. Just remember to bring enough handcuffs.