Notes By A Sardonic Smart-Ass No.1

# How can I distract him from looking like he wants to devour me.

# If I stick a piece of food between my teeth, I wonder if he'll feelnervous telling me about it or if he'll just leave me to find outlater. At least this will take care of previous thought.

# Does he seriously expect me to be interested in minute details of his company's staff members' habits?

# I wonder how long it took him to pick out his outfit and get ready.

# I wonder when I can meet up with my friends and start having fun.

# Do I realllly have to go through all my fave musicians, colors,movies, free time activities, books, authors, brand names, artists, andfoods?

# When I give obscure or detailed answers and he doesn't know what I'mtalking about, don't expect me to feel awkward during awkward silences.

# I wonder if he'll make a big deal out of it if he does/doesn't pay for this first date.

# I don't like guys who don't offer to pay for the first date.

# I'm a hard-working woman who has been taking care of herself beforeyou showed up, actually. I am not a free-loader. Let me pay for myself.You and I owe each other nothing and are equal. Who made up theretarded rules for dating anyways? Ah yes, the retards dating eachother, perhaps.

# I loathe first dates...when can I get this first month over with so I can start having the real fun?

# Are you even worth the following dates?

# It does not mean I'm bored, stupid, or thinking about you naked justbecause I'm not replying to, commenting on, giggling sickeningly about,and gasping at the end of every sentence you speak, opinion you have,or thought you express. It is simply because I'm not an automatondesigned to please your ego. I may just be uninterested, or gettingthat way quickly. Also, I am thinking.

# Just because I don't swoon into your arms at the date's termination,ask when you'll see or call me next, or flatter you profusely does NOTmean I'm un-attracted to you.

# I expect more to happen in order for a connection to be realized or created.

# Why do I always attract men who feel inferior to me?

# When can I start drinking with my friends?

# Why am I always repelled by men who feel superior to me?

# When can I order dessert and will I have room for it?

# I should have arranged to go to a club, museum, or a more happeningplace than this. That way, we wouldn't be stuck in front of each other,forced to make conversation.

# Man, I've got so many things on my To Do list. When will I ever be able to finish them?

# I'm seriously over-dressed but at least I'm looking better than he is.

# Will he care if I put an elbow on the table, talk with food in mymouth, lick my fingers, chew noisily, and show more interest in my foodthen him?

# Why can't he pronounce Chardonnay, Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot, Shiraz, Rose, Pinot Noir, etc?

# Because I'm not talking about my ex-bfs, kids, marriage, anythingrelationship-wise, future plans, present plans, and dating life isbecause I don't want to.

# I'm not getting turned on when you complain, rant, diss, or talk downothers. Take a good look. Am I your mom? Wait, she wouldn't want tohear it either.

# If you check out that other girl one more time, I'll ask her to comeover and take my place. That way, maybe two people would be happierinstead.

# If someone calls me, and I do decide to pick up or text, it's becauseI'm popular and have a wider social circle than you and I, actually.It's also because I don't care if you're offended by this.

# If you are offended by my stepping outside to answer a phone call,putting my elbows on the table, or being very engrossed in my food,then thank God it's only a first date. I can have no qualms aboutdisrupting future laid dating plans with you.

# I debate, discuss, and contemplate because it's what people do whenthey have opinions and a working brain. If you aren't expecting it, sowhat. I'll discuss that too.

# Do not expect me to kiss you if your breath smells like the food we just had.

# If I don't call you after a successful date, it's because I'm not needy, clingy, or Taiwanese.

# If I don't act, speak, think, dress, argue, or date like a Taiwanese woman, it's because I'm not one.

# If I don't act, speak, think, dress, argue, or date like a typical/common/ordinary/normal woman, it's because I am actually not one.

# When you see that I think highly of myself, exude confidence andcynicism, communicate often with sarcasm and wit, do not fall for theusual servings of compliments, pick apart your opinions to pieces, andsearch for flaws in you, it's because I aim to.

# I did not agree to go on a date with you to pamper your ego. I'm noteven going to have sex with you tonight, so what's the point?

# If I make you feel uneasy, it's because I thrive in doing so.

# I do tend to cut my attention short when you start talking about yourex, past r'ships, your familial issues, identity issues, your issueswith the path your life is on, and work stresses. Take a good look. I'mnot your shrink. Hold on, he/she wouldn't want to hear it either.

# I should just skip first dates altogether.