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Notes By a Sardonic Smart-Ass No.1


# If I seem unimpressed, take a good guess why.

# I wonder if he thinks I'll give it up on the first date.

# When is he going to stop talking/rambling/joking/st

# How can I distract him from looking like he wants to devour me.

# If I stick a piece of food between my teeth, I wonder if he'll feel
nervous telling me about it or if he'll just leave me to find out
later. At least this will take care of previous thought.

# Does he seriously expect me to be interested in minute details of his company's staff members' habits?

# I wonder how long it took him to pick out his outfit and get ready.

# I wonder when I can meet up with my friends and start having fun.

# Do I realllly have to go through all my fave musicians, colors,
movies, free time activities, books, authors, brand names, artists, and

# When I give obscure or detailed answers and he doesn't know what I'm
talking about, don't expect me to feel awkward during awkward silences.

# I wonder if he'll make a big deal out of it if he does/doesn't pay for this first date.

# I don't like guys who don't offer to pay for the first date.

# I'm a hard-working woman who has been taking care of herself before
you showed up, actually. I am not a free-loader. Let me pay for myself.
You and I owe each other nothing and are equal. Who made up the
retarded rules for dating anyways? Ah yes, the retards dating each
other, perhaps.

# I loathe first dates...when can I get this first month over with so I can start having the real fun?

# Are you even worth the following dates?

# It does not mean I'm bored, stupid, or thinking about you naked just
because I'm not replying to, commenting on, giggling sickeningly about,
and gasping at the end of every sentence you speak, opinion you have,
or thought you express. It is simply because I'm not an automaton
designed to please your ego. I may just be uninterested, or getting
that way quickly. Also, I am thinking.

# Just because I don't swoon into your arms at the date's termination,
ask when you'll see or call me next, or flatter you profusely does NOT
mean I'm un-attracted to you.

# I expect more to happen in order for a connection to be realized or created.

# Why do I always attract men who feel inferior to me?

# When can I start drinking with my friends?

# Why am I always repelled by men who feel superior to me?

# When can I order dessert and will I have room for it?

# I should have arranged to go to a club, museum, or a more happening
place than this. That way, we wouldn't be stuck in front of each other,
forced to make conversation.

# Man, I've got so many things on my To Do list. When will I ever be able to finish them?

# I'm seriously over-dressed but at least I'm looking better than he is.

# Will he care if I put an elbow on the table, talk with food in my
mouth, lick my fingers, chew noisily, and show more interest in my food
then him?

# Why can't he pronounce Chardonnay, Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot, Shiraz, Rose, Pinot Noir, etc?

# Because I'm not talking about my ex-bfs, kids, marriage, anything
relationship-wise, future plans, present plans, and dating life is
because I don't want to.

# I'm not getting turned on when you complain, rant, diss, or talk down
others. Take a good look. Am I your mom? Wait, she wouldn't want to
hear it either.

# If you check out that other girl one more time, I'll ask her to come
over and take my place. That way, maybe two people would be happier

# If someone calls me, and I do decide to pick up or text, it's because
I'm popular and have a wider social circle than you and I, actually.
It's also because I don't care if you're offended by this.

# If you are offended by my stepping outside to answer a phone call,
putting my elbows on the table, or being very engrossed in my food,
then thank God it's only a first date. I can have no qualms about
disrupting future laid dating plans with you.

# I debate, discuss, and contemplate because it's what people do when
they have opinions and a working brain. If you aren't expecting it, so
what. I'll discuss that too.

# Do not expect me to kiss you if your breath smells like the food we just had.

# If I don't call you after a successful date, it's because I'm not needy, clingy, or Taiwanese.

# If I don't act, speak, think, dress, argue, or date like a Taiwanese woman, it's because I'm not one.

# If I don't act, speak, think, dress, argue, or date like a typical/common/ordinary/no
rmal woman, it's because I am actually not one.

# When you see that I think highly of myself, exude confidence and
cynicism, communicate often with sarcasm and wit, do not fall for the
usual servings of compliments, pick apart your opinions to pieces, and
search for flaws in you, it's because I aim to.

# I did not agree to go on a date with you to pamper your ego. I'm not
even going to have sex with you tonight, so what's the point?

# If I make you feel uneasy, it's because I thrive in doing so.

# I do tend to cut my attention short when you start talking about your
ex, past r'ships, your familial issues, identity issues, your issues
with the path your life is on, and work stresses. Take a good look. I'm
not your shrink. Hold on, he/she wouldn't want to hear it either.

# I should just skip first dates altogether.


Expert advice

Save your breath because you only need two words to make him commit.
Are you REALLY thinking about their happiness?
If you keep finding yourself in heartbreaking, dead end relationships, listen up.
It seems like you can't do anything right.

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