Love, Self

The Girlfriend Application


Anyone who's ever been on a grownup first date knows one thing: it's like a godamnded job interview. And not like one of the old school job interviews in which you basically have all the questions down pat ("If anything, I'm too focused on being a top performer and need to figure out a work-life balance"). But grownup first (early) dates are like those new-fangled interviews in which they use the Socratic irony to find out how much you really know. And it's not just what you say but how you say it (personally, I have a really hard time knowing which syllable to stress if I don't buy into something, "No, I totally think Rachel Maddow is a national treasure.")

Going on this idea that grownup dating is like a job interview (and to be avoided when humanly possible), Holy Taco* has devised a girlf application. The pro-forma asks for important stuff like breast size, willingness to engage in various forms of recreational debasement and, as a courtesy, first name. There are a few other items, but they’re perfunctory and mostly just to fill out the sheet.

Why not fill out a dating application, in the here and the '09? Sure, it takes away a little of the mystery but how much is really left after Google, Facebook and whatever online dating service you’re involved with? There are still a ton of little nuggets that you'll still be able to discover as you date that don't show up in "25 Things About Me." Like, um, sometimes she forgets her keys are in your hand and she looks around her place for like 20 minutes until she finds them. That’s something you'd have to really know her to know, you know? Or maybe she likes Gattaca, "cuz that movie was smart."

Honestly, in this era of exhibitionism and inadvertent full-disclosure, doesn't it make a little sense to go ahead and fill out a dating application? Who has time to find out for themselves if their new gig has a weird fetish whereby she actually enjoys a relationship with her mom.

As for putting together a relationship resume, let's not be silly.

*First of all, Holy Taco is a dude-site dedicated to all that's dude. Generally, it's a funny site but it's almost impossible to say its name aloud without feeling mildly skeevy, like watching old Britney videos.