Top 5 Bedroom Mood-Killers


Some things really knock the wind out of the sails of passion and somethings are just momentary hurdles in the pursuit of amore. The biggest fear when entering one's first foray into bondage is the danger (and thrill) of being left trussed up. Knowing location of the keys and the exact intonation and identity of the safe word are of upmost importance; your genitals and psyche may depend on it. For what it's worth, a Michigan couple forgot rule 1 and had to call the fuzz to release the cuffs, per the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. Do you think there's any chance dude will get to kick the kink up any time soon? I just hope he had some manner of tube clothing handy. Read: S&M For Beginners

So that go me thinking, what are the biggest mood-killers in the boudoir? And here they are in only a semblance of order of importance.

5) Not Expecting The Unexpected: While this happens most frequently on a couple's first shot at getting to know each other Biblically, it can happen to any pair. You may notice that the person beneath you is not particularly well groomed. You may notice that certain physical attributes were gravely exaggerated. You may even notice strange, red bumps. I'll even throw in unexpected moves and hand placement, you gotta ask, ya'll. Whatever you notice, you feel you've been sold a false bill of goods and demand an immediate refund and apology. For shame.

4) My Neck And My Back: Everything is going gangbusters (or bangers, depending on your predelictions) when something doesn't feel so good. And BAM you've pulled a hamstring. Everything else feels pretty good except the searing pain in one specific point. Do you try to finish up or tap out? This happens to men who ain't as young as they used to be. Other injuries have been known to occur when BDSM gets a little out of hand. Be sure to check out our 5 Funniest Sex-Related Injuries. Be careful and don't try to be a hero out there; it's one time, guy.

3) The States Of Matter: Science tells us that there are 3 states of matter: liquid, gas and solid (4 if you count plasma). And any one of these can stop your orchestral maneuvers in the dark flat in their tracks. Sure, a little pop has escaped during everyone's sex life and lots of times the exact origin of said pop is indeterminate, so you ignore it. But some expulsions can't be ignored. While there are fetishes for every byproduct that the human body manufactures, the polite thing to do is ask first. In case you're wondering, some people are into vomit, they have Emetophilia, puke fever. I'm sure there are chat rooms. For you literary sorts out there, James Joyce was a fart-huffer*. Hopefully, this will make you feel better about not being able to get through that impenetrable bastard, Finnegan's Wake.

2) Sleepy Water-Colored Memories: I don't mean suddenly remembering that you left the iron on, although that could be an issue. I mean that some people say that the tactile senses (touch, smell, taste) are most linked with individual memories. Sometimes they're good memories gone bad, "Oh, this feels just like how I used to do it with… my ex. Why am I thinking about him/her now? Oh God, just concentrate. But that trip we took to Rio was so great and then I get dumped when we got home," and theeeeeeeeeeeeew (that's the sound of blood rushing from your genitals). Obviously, memories about trauma are even worse. It's probably a good idea to call a timeout and explain yourself. "You know what we were just doing? It was identical to a scene from Sliver and my dad sort of left us for a Billy Baldwin lookalike. So, uh, weird for me." You owe your partner a rain check. Let's move on before we get into any really scary territory.

1) Spoken Word Poetry: Sometimes the right word at the right time can really crank things up to 9. But the wrong word is even more powerful. It's probably a good idea to bring dirty talk up incrementally and don't overdo, Shakespeare. The other verbal turn-offs are what I'll call the book of revelations. Imagine that things are going on nice and well and good and you hear the words, "Oh, my condom just broke. Sorry." Not even an atom bomb being ridden by Marvin Gaye dropped into an oil refinery in a dry California forest could restoke those flames. Along the same lines are, "I can't seem to find the handcuff keys," "Oh sh*t, I forgot to take my pill today," "I assume I told you I had the drip, right?" and "My husband is going to be so mad when he finds out." Save your drama for the Dalai Lama but do give the other person a heads up when their health or parental status is in danger. Follow the camping rule and you're all good. Watch: Love and (Safe) Sex: How Do You Have The STD Talk?

Any other serious mood-killers that I may have missed?

*I do my absolute best to not use the word "fart," but you can't call James Joyce a passed gas sniffer, can you?