It’s Shower Time. Yes, you heard me. Now head for the hills.

For all the brides-to-be out there, let me warn you…someone is probably going to throw you a shower. Now you could get very lucky (like me), and have a very sane, lovely, and normal shower with delicious food and low key, mellow chit chat. How did I get so fortunate? Simply put, my mother told her dear friends (the honestly gracious hostesses) that if there were any games involving toilet paper or clothespins, I would run wildly into the front yard and start guzzling gin straight from the bottle.

Now the deal with the bridal shower is that everyone is really there to looooooooove you and suppoooooorrrrrrt you and ask you 247 times where you’re registered and what’s your dress look like and when are ya gonna have a baaaaabeeee? But before you go loca, remember that they’re all doing it from a place of love.

However, I would be remiss if I didn’t draw upon my bridal shower research and experiences at a variety of bridal events and warn you of the following shower situations that may arise:

Having to Pretend You’re a Virgin:
Now this is not to knock any woman who has decided to wait until her wedding night, but the fact is if you’re 32 and your fiancé is the 3rd guy you’ve ever lived with, chances are you’re not going to be all that stunned on your wedding night. However, there are still games that insist on treating the modern bride like a virginal flower waiting to be, well, deflowered. For example, there’s the twisted “write down everything the bride says while she’s unwrapping presents, then read it back to her when she’s done, and that’s what she’ll say on her wedding night!” game. Lotsa laughs, right? I mean, what is this, 1952? Just in case, try moaning excessively as you open the gifts. That’s sure to make everyone really uncomfortable.

Perfecting the “Oh, You Shouldn’t Have!” Face:

Wouldn’t you just love a quilt with your husband’s face embroidered on it? Or a basket full of jams and jellies for no reason in particular? Well girl, get ready, because the odds are you’re gonna get something along these lines at your shower. The truth is, every bride-to-be deserves an Oscar nod for perfecting the “Oh, you shouldn’t have!” face. And I mean really, you shouldn’t have.

Getting All Girly:
Now I’m not a tomboy or anything, but the last time I used china was around the age of five when I had a tea party with my dolls, and even then I was probably fantasizing that the tea was spiked with vodka. Something about the massive flux of estrogen at a shower gets everyone doing girly things like using the good silver and crossing their legs when they sit down. (FYI: Be aware that there is some twisted shower game involving never crossing your legs. Good God.) At any rate, you might as well go all out on this one. Get the cute dress. Shave your legs all the way up to your hips. Spray a little perfume on yourself. By the time you leave the party, you’ll probably be ovulating.

Dealing With People Who Shouldn’t Be There:

It’s happened at many showers I’ve attended. Somehow, some people missed the class on Basic Etiquette 101 and show up at the shower with friends in tow even though these friends are not invited to the wedding! What to do? Be polite to the extra attendees, do not give in to the guilt-fueled temptation to invite them to the wedding, and ask your socially retarded friend to step outside for a moment. Then give her a beat down. Okay, so don’t give her a beat down. But you do have every right to get really snippy with her.

With any luck, you’ll survive your shower or any shower you might have to attend. Just remember that as soon as someone breaks out toilet paper, gum, a broom, and paper plates, you have my permission to start drinking that wine spritzer right from the bottle.