How to rekindle your sex life when you're the breadwinner in the relationship.
The number of women out-earning their men is growing and some predict by 2030 most women will be more financially successful than their partners. While this may sound like the best possible outcome to women’s libbers from thirty years ago, the truth is that success dissolves your sex life more times than not. Help! I Have A Boring Sex Life
In a recent New York Times online News and Features column, Alpha Women, Beta Men Ralph Gardner Jr., wrote about several mega earning women and the sorry lack of sexual intimacy in the growing number of financially lopsided relationships.
Here are the actual comments from the women he interviewed:
- Sexuality is based on respect, admiration and desire. If you've lost respect for somebody, it's very hard to have it work. Our relationship initially had been very sexual at the expense of other things. Your Ex Wants Sex...Is A Booty Call Ever Ok?
- The minute it becomes parental, it becomes asexual. A friend of mine who works and makes money and whose husband doesn't told me one day that he was taking tennis lessons that cost a hundred dollars an hour. She said to him, 'You are not in the hundred dollars an hour category.' She had to spell it out for him. It was totally parental.
- It was the artist thing I thought I was getting. Sexy was part of it. There was a huge physical thing. I'm not the kind of person to be attracted to a lawyer. Maybe next time I will be.
- When you’re a big money earner and your husband isn’t, it makes you question how feminine you are. I felt I was less feminine than if I was a supporting wife.
- Mark was the best sex I ever had. But that was long ago. Now, we fight instead. We're embroiled in some weird combat. It's like Lysistrata. I tell him, 'Your business is going to have to get better faster. Until then, I'm withholding.' Do You Need To Eject Your Ex...For Good?
Sobering. Yet, does a woman have to give up the hopes of a hot sex life just because she is an over achiever and financially the better off half of the couple? According to Bernard Prieur, a psychoanalyst and author of "Money in Couples," men who earn less than their partners struggle with two insecurities. Prieur explains that they feel socially and personally vulnerable. Socially, they go against millennia of beliefs and stereotypes that see them as the breadwinner. The success of their partner also often gives them a feeling of personal failure.
If you are to create a lasting relationship that has the sexual chemistry that you need, you will have to forge a path for yourself. Today’s relationship culture has not caught up with the explosion of successful women in the world today. The plain truth is that white collar women have a better chance at success with blue collar men. If you are a high flying doctor, attorney or business executive, you will find more happiness with a hard working man who makes a living with his hands and leaves his work at work. While your higher earnings may still cause some issues, his self esteem will be fed by his success on the job and that will do wonders for keeping the spark alive. Is There A Magnet Drawing Heartbreak To Your Life?
If you are with a man who is not working and has no desire to work when money is not an issue, he may say that he is happy but because he is in a counter culture time warp, the reality of his lack of contribution will erode at your sex life for sure. If you had hot, passionate sex when you first met and you want to dig that man back out of the shadow who is living with you right now, here are some suggestions for waking up his manliness in spite of your alpha role in your relationship:
1. Men need to be needed. They need to be needed for more than taking out the trash and mowing the lawn. It may be hard to see yourself needing anyone, anything or anybody after clawing your way to the top of the success ladder. Your alpha skills have certainly paid off but now is the time to analyze your world and find a way to really need him.
Write a list answering this question: What do I need to be happier in my life? Just to clarify, this is not a list of things you want from your man. Simply letting yourself list all of the things that you wish were happening in your life from a broad perspective will help you sort out what you DO need. Then, you can pick one or two of those things to express to your man. Before You Try eHarmony, Try A Little Me-Harmony
2. Be crystal clear and direct when talking to him. Don’t speak in metaphors and give clues. Once you are sure about what you want from him, speaking in short sentences with clear action steps will pay off huge benefits. If there is true love between you and you want to beat the odds, it is worth it to tell him what you want, gently and firmly. Then, let it go.
3. Respect is sexier to a man than resentment. While you might have to search a bit, finding something to respect your man for every single day is a true aphrodisiac. As the wealthy woman stated in the above list, when you can’t respect your man and lean toward resentment for who he is NOT in your relationship, his manhood will wither every time. Premarital Jitters? 6 Ways To Avoid Kim K's Mistakes
4. Get into his world. If he is an artist, Google his area of interest. If he is a sports nut, sign up for ESPN updates for his favorite team. When you take steps toward his world and ask questions that show him you are interested, you will build a bridge. Sure, he may need to make some changes in your opinion but he will be a lot more willing to compromise if he feels you want to be connected.
5. Stop being his parent. Think about it. Are you telling him what to do, correcting his behavior in public and bossing him around? If so, no wonder you are not having sex. Make a pact with yourself that you will start treating him like the adult he is and then look for ways to praise and affirm him for what he is doing right now that pleases you.
6. Be honest about wanting more sex. First be honest with yourself and then with your man. You are an amazing woman. You are strong and inflexible when it comes to your career. He doesn't know how to relate to you and it may not be fair but you need to face this cultural reality. Tell him you miss orgasms with him and that you want to reconnect.
7. Find a picture of the two of you on one of your first dates. Post it in your bathroom by your makeup basket. Focus on the energy you see in that picture. Let yourself want what you see there. Allow yourself to desire what you really want.
If you feel resistance, resentment or rejection when you look at what once was, make a plan for dealing with that. You have been through a lot to get to where you are and chances are you have been used and abused by a man or two along the way. Your man does not need to pay the fine for every man who has treated you badly along the way.
As a successful woman in a relationship with a not so successful man, it is still possible to re-ignite your passion. The key is to get out of denial and to get really clear on what you want in your relationship. Don’t let resentment settle in. Act now while you still remember what you liked about this man in the first place.
Catherine Behan is a Dating, Sex and Intimacy Coach practicing in San Diego, CA. For a free 20 minute chat to explore your Sexual Confidence or lack thereof, click here.
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