There Are 5 Types Of Penises — Here’s How To Enjoy Them ALL

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Slutty girls love penises and penises love slutty girls. They come in all different penis shapes and sizes, and they never cease to amaze us in their variability. Every guy is different, and with every new guy comes a new penis experience — whether good, cringe-worthy or totally laughable.

From my own experiences and those of my friends, I've developed this guide to making the most out of these 5 common types of clam-slammers.

1. The Tiny Tim

“It was smaller than a magic marker.” KS

If you have ever had to ask, “Is it in yet?” my heart breaks for you. I can’t think of anything more disappointing than a guy who just wasn’t born with adequate equipment, let alone the dreaded micro-penis.

When a guy is super small, it can definitely hinder your chances of getting the big “O.” But even if you’re dealing with something that is equivalent to a super tampon, there is always a possibility for good sex.

Before you even bother to weep over his poor genes, your best bet is to focus on yourself first. Try spending more time on foreplay. Bring out your toys, get on top, and take control of the situation ... because he certainly won’t be able to. Get yours first, and then move to sex so he can get his.

Also keep in mind that the size of his shaft isn’t something he can control. So don’t be cruel. Just make the best of the situation and move on. 

 

2. The No. #2

“It’s a good kind of thin.” — MH

It may not be thick and juicy, but it can still be long and strong. You can’t always have the best of both worlds when it comes to length and width, but lots of women prefer length. With a longer member, you really can’t go wrong any position.

 

 

But if you find yourself wishing he was thicker, try out some new angles. Try it on top, while spooning, in doggy style, or go with the classic missionary. Switching up your body position can make all the difference on how a guy feels.

If you find that you are still unsatisfied, turn up the intensity a notch. Any kind of kinky or out of the ordinary element in the bedroom can always heighten your experience and make you forget that you're dealing with a skinny shaft.

 

Related: 5 Sex Positions To Get You BOTH Off (Even If He Has A Small Penis)

 

3. The Hooded Figure

“An uncircumcised dick is like a regular dick, but in a sock.” — SD

These are rare to come by in the States, and if you do come across one, you may be petrified at first and not want to again. But, there’s nothing to be afraid of. Guys who are uncircumcised have a little extra to offer … extra foreskin that is.

That foreskin can prove to be pretty overwhelming or intimidating, especially during oral. When you go down, it goes down, and when you come up, it comes up. Kind of like playing an accordion with your mouth.

Foreskin and foreplay are tricky, but actually having sex with an uncircumcised guy isn't any different than having sex with a circumcised guy. Don’t let the hood frighten you away, it could turn out to be the best sex of your life.

 

4. The Large and In Charge

“It’s like sitting on my forearm.” — NR

There probably isn’t anything more overwhelming than when a guy drops trough and you find that he’s hung like a horse. It may seem like a fantasy, but in reality, it can be fear-inducing, and if you have never been face-to-tip with a guy who is way above average, you might not know what to do with it.

 

 

When it looks like the peg is too big to fit through its hole, it is probably a good time to talk about lube. Whether it comes from you or it comes from a tube, you are going to want to be properly lubricated, just to make things easier.

You should also keep in mind that position makes a big difference. Anything that involves girl on top will probably be too much at first, although it will allow you to get acquainted at your own pace and depth. The easiest way for you to test the water will most likely be doggy, as long as he’s gentle. There’s no extra gravitational force pushing it in, and he’ll be able to adjust to a rhythm that’s most comfortable for you.

Don't be afraid to conquer the beast if it comes your way. Your lady bits are stronger than you think.

 

Related: How To Get A Guy Off With Just Your Feet (Yes, A 'Footjob')

 

5. The Wooly Mammoth

“Put your face in a shrub, it’s basically the same thing.” — Ass With Class

Not all men believe in landscaping their downstairs region, and some don’t even like to trim it up. It’s not always the most pleasant place to put your face, and when guys have a grooming issue, it can make it almost unbearable. So what do you do?

The answer, sadly, is not a whole lot. If you’re just hooking up with a guy on a one-time only basis, you’re just going to have to get over it. Your parents always told you not out judge a book by its cover, so don’t let this guy's jungle interfere with you getting it in. However, if you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t like to keep it clean and you don’t like it, you should definitely say something.

Try to be subtle. We all know how sensitive men can be about their most important appendage. Say something like, “I wonder what it would feel like if you were to try shaving everything...”

If you can get him to try it, let him know you like it better that way, and if he truly cares about you, he will trim up his junk.

 

Now that you know all about these five types of penises, think you can master the penis quiz? Check it out!

 

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