Photo: Costumeish.com
Stop the nonsense.
By Alissa Scully — Written on Oct 12, 2016
You can be a sexy witch. A sexy nurse. A sexy nun. You can even venture into animals kingdom, be a sexy kitty or lion or unicorn. Let's face it, though: there are some Halloween costumes that shouldn't be sexy.
Remember, a "sexy" costume presumes that one might want to have sex with the person inside it. That person is somehow linked to the costume. So while you wouldn't bang a cheetah, you might be able to bang a chick dressed as a cheetah, because cheetahs are cool. You wouldn't have sex with a unicorn, but a chick dressed as one? You might be convinced to taste the rainbow.
But there are some things that should not become sexy costumes. Either because they're too far from sexy, or too close to wrong. Better to cancel Halloween than to horrify us all with these sexy costumes. Here are nine sexy costumes that just... aren't.
1. Sexy Mickey Mouse (Magical Mouse Costume)
Photo: Fredericks.com
First, Mickey is a boy, which brings up all sorts of weird gender issues. And his ears! They're your bra! But then you're wearing another pair of ears on your head, so it all gets confusing again.
2. Sexy Pooh Bear (Golden Bear Costume Dress)
Photo: Yandy.com
Apparently, this "limited edition Yandy Golden Bear Costume Dress will get your honey stirring." Nothing, nothing could have made the costume creepier than that one line. Pooh Bear is a loveable silly old bear, not your next drunken one-night stand. Can you imagine doing it from behind, only to see Pooh's head slowly turn to look at you?
3. Sexy Harambe (Sexy Gorilla)
Photo: HalloweenCostumes.com
Because not only are you making a gorilla costume sexy, you're making it the gorilla who terrorized a kid and got shot to death because of it. Nothing is less sexy than injuring kids and getting darted for it, unless you then become an internet animal rights cause celebrity... Oh wait.
4. Sexy Indian (Indian Sweetheart Costume, Deluxe Native Warrior, Native American Seductress)
Photo: Yandy.com
We moved in. We stole their land. We killed them through war and disease. We drove them onto reservations, then stole the reservations. We herded them into boarding schools and tried to "kill the Indian, save the man."
Today, more than one in three American Indian women will be raped in her lifetime. And you're going to appropriate a gross amalgamation of their culture to look hot — like Yandy.com, which has a staggering 65 iterations of Indian sexycostumes? Ew.
5. Sexy Hillary Clinton
Photo: Yandy.com
All we can say is, at least she's female. There's nothing inherently unsexy about the first woman nominated to run for President by a major party, it's just that creepy rubber mask you'd buy to accessorize the miniscule pantsuit. And no one wants to have sex with a pantsuit.
6. Sexy Geisha
Photo: Fredericks.com
Let's celebrate women's subservience and appropriate another culture at the same time! This is total yellow face, like wearing a sexy Indian costume is total red face. Can we just avoid making ourselves look stupid via other cultures and keep to our own?
7. Sexy Gremlin
Photo: BuyCostumes.com
No, not that kind of Gremlin. The Gremlin before you feed it after midnight. Furries might want to yiff their Gizmo dolls, but let me assure you that only they want to bed the lifesize sexy version.
8. Sexy Tarantula
Photo: Facebook
It has eight legs. It's poisonous to rodents, if not to humans. It's hairy. It's the basis of one of the most common phobias. And you want to sex it all up?
Remember how we talked about some things that are not meant to be made sexy? Tarantulas are one of them. Have some mercy on the arachnophobic this season. Put down the spider costume and find a slutty unicorn getup or something.
9. Sexy Donald Trump
Photo: Yandy.com
Out of everything on this list, I can't think of anything less sexy. He's a man, so you have that weird gender switching thing again, and you'd totally accessorize — like the Hillary costume — with a funky rubber mask. He's called women pigs and dogs.
He says that you "Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything." The only thing grosser than that phrase is the idea of making him into a sexycostume.
10. Sexy Clown
Photo: Walmart
Let's take a moment to reiterate that terrorizing children is not sexy. Evil clowns are attempting to lure children into the woods across the US, for who knows what nefarious purpose, and you're trying to make that into sexytime? Everyone knows clowns are creepy. This year, they're more the clown from It than the circus tent. No one wants to bang the clown from It. No one.
11. Sexy Straight Jacket
Photo: Facebook
You may not have gotten the memo: mentally ill is the new hot. Or not. There's nothing sexy about having mental health problems — problems which can destroy lives and families, especially when they're so severe as to require a straightjacket. And if BDSM is your thing, there are plenty of other Halloween costumes (Sexy cop! Anything involving a whip!) that can advertise your predilections.
12. Sexy Ken Bone (Sexy Undecided Voter)
Photo: Yandy.com
For those of us who watched the second presidential debate between Clinton and Trump, Ken Bone, an undecided voter, is now America's gem. Though we can certainly appreciate his now sold out red sweater and concern for the climate and energy, you'll look more like a person whose clothing shrunk in the wash, and less like you're dressed up for Halloween.
13. Sexy Kim Kardashian Robbery Victim
Photo: Costumeish.com
There's really nothing funny about being held hostage with a pistol to your head. But leave it to people to try and profit off of another person's trauma. Yes, Kim Kardashian may not be our favorite person in the world, but dressing as her tied up and scared? That's just cruel.
This Halloween, ask yourself, is it sexy, or is it creepy? Because there's no such thing as sexycreepy.
Dress as sexy Spiderman. Sexy Little Red Riding Hood. Sexy pirate or sexy egyptian. Show some judgement. Show some leg. But most of all, show some taste.