What Wives REALLY Want: 7 Easy Ways To Get Laid On The Regular

We're going to make this REALLY simple for you, guys.


We know, menfolk, you think you're perfect as is. (Sigh.) But let's set that aside for a moment and talk about the type of things you can do to snag yourself a spot in your wife's Good Book every single day. And you know what being in the good book means: Special sex on the regular and a better chance she'll make those stuffed meatballs you love on the weekend. And the best part, gentle-husbands? It doesn't take more than a little extra consideration to have her happier than if you brought home Brad Pitt oiled up on a plate. So...ready to be Mr. Perfect? All you have do are these simple 7 things:


1. Pick up after yourself. Cmon, fellas - it's not hard to put the milk back in the fridge or to place your dirty socks in the hamper. For the past five years, I swear it felt like a homeless man lived next to my husband’s side of the bed. I kept expecting a hand to stretch from under the pile of bedraggled clothes asking for a dollar. How much does it take, really, to fold and put away your clean clothes? It may seem like a little thing, but it's a big thing to us.

2. Stop complaining when we buy cushions. Or rugs. Or throw pillows. Or any kind of home furnishings, really. Yousimply don't understand what it takes to make a home cozy; you only care about the size of the TV and if there's enough counter space to set your beer. Women, however, care about the "little" touches like soft lighting, wall accents, and shades of wallpaper. If you'd prefer to reside in an empty pizza box-filled shell, then go back to your college dorm. Until then, let us decorate the way we see fit.


3. Pick your moments for sex. When we have settled in our PJs to watch Dirty Dancing for the 3,000th time, having just recovered from a heinous cold that's lasted for about three weeks, let me let you in on a little secret: we are NOT in the mood. (And cupping a quick feel is not our version of foreplay, either.) Also: When we just had a blow-out and our face is impeccably made up in anticipation of a wild night out with the girls, don’t try and smooch us. (The perfect red lipstick takes ages to apply.) Also: When we have menstrual pain and are running a long hot bath, no, we don’t want you to join us. You know when we want sex the most? When you did that thing you said you would, exactly when you said you’d do it. Simple as pie.

4. Have patience when it takes us a long time to get ready. My husband has come into our bedroom time and time again as we're racing to get ready for an event we're about to attend only to find me half-naked, hair still wet, organizing my make-up drawers. He looks at me like I've gone mad. He never understands my need for immediate order or why it takes me an hour to get out the door in the morning. He doesn’t "get" that when I'm applying make-up, I suddently notice I need to pluck my brows or that as I'm drying my hair, I often stop to read an article on my iPhone. Be advised, dear husband, it used to take me 3 hours of preptime pre-kids, so getting my going-out routine down to 45 minutes is an ART. Please appreciate it as such.

5. Stop leaving clutter everywhere. SERIOUSLY, what's with all the coins and the pens and the little bits of papers paper with notes/phone numbers/lists that fill up every inch of every surface in our home? Throw them out in a timely fashion (without us having to ask you) and we'll love you forever. Kthxbye.

6. Be the mome. Let us know when you do any of the following: make the nativity costume, do the lice check, cut the kids' nails, make the dental appointment, organize the play date, de-junk the toy basket, buy the party gift, give to the church collection, attend the school board meeting, get the kids' hair cut, buy the sports uniform, and send cards for every person’s birthday. Then let's talk, shall we?


7. Make us feel like the girl you were once desperate to date. Remember back in the heady days when you showered before we had a date and you planned something really cool like ice skating followed by a meal at the impossible-to-get-into restaurant? Or when you spent all evening burning, I mean cooking, only to order take-out? Remember when we stayed up late talking all night in between bouts of sex? Well we’re still that girl you fell madly in love with, even if we no longer remember to shave our legs and let you see us bleaching our mustache. Some days, it would be peachy if you could be that boy again, too, even if just for one night.