5 Ways Women Sabotage Our Own Pleasure In Bed

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Our sexuality is complex. And just as any relationship requires ongoing inquiry, communication, negotiation, and attention, so does your intimate sexual relationship. So, as we talk about this subject, let's stimulate communication between partners, not create any shame, wrongdoing, or blame.

People attach a lot of things to their sexuality: power, attractiveness, acceptance, control, and so on. Exploring your sexuality and communicating with your partner about sex can be both rewarding and risky. These tips can help as you explore, learn, and grow — so everyone can have more satisfying and fulfilling sexual relationships.

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Here are 5 ways women sabotage their own sexual pleasure.

Note: For this article, we will be discussing sexual relationships between men and women, but please know that many of these lessons can apply to women's sexual relationships with any partner, regardless of gender. 

1. They expect their lover to read their mind.

Men aren't mindreaders — in fact, nobody is! Each woman can vary in terms of what pleases her and helps her reach orgasm. Let your partner know how he can please you. Be specific and concrete. Show him. Gentle but clear direction will be greatly appreciated. Your man wants to please you, you just need to tell him how.



2. They're a passive partner.

This shows up in several ways. Men don't necessarily want to have to run the show all the time. Be willing to initiate sex. Men like to be seduced as well. Be willing to try new things. No one wants to have the same meal for dinner night after night after night. Learn to get comfortable being out of your comfort zone.

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3. They expect their lover to perform on demand.

Contrary to what some men will have you believe, men don't have an instant "on" switch for sex. Men are entitled to be tired, stressed, not in the mood, or interested in just cuddling — just as women are. Respect the fact that just because you want sex doesn't mean your lover is wanting and willing to perform on demand. However, if you want to try and get him in the mood, remember that foreplay and seduction work the same way for him as it does for you. It's crucial to be sensitive to the moods and needs of your partner. Know when to back off and learn how your man likes to be stimulated before, during, and after sex.



4. They talk during and after sex.

Not that kind of talk, if you know what I mean. Let's face it. We know how to talk, and we know when we have a captive audience. But I was surprised to find out from men how many women use sexual encounters to go over needs, complaints, schedules, and problems with their mates.

Turn off any non-sexy talk, and only chat in a fun, sweet way if you find it brings you closer during sex — not further away. This is the time to connect with your partner in tactile ways. Get out of your head and into your body, and let your partner do the same. The same goes for post-coital time. It's common for men to drift off into sleep after they've had an orgasm. Their bodies are designed to do just that. Don't take it personally if your man is more inclined to sleep and less inclined to talk after sex.

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Photo: fizkes via Shutterstock

5. They don't take care of their hygiene.

Be aware of your overall health and hygiene. If you know you're going on a hot date with your honey, shower, shave, and lotion yourself up with your favorite body lotion.

Be aware of any infections and take good care of your health. Of course, the same goes for the men out there. Let's be responsible partners for each other when it comes to disease, cleanliness, birth control, and health.

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Julie Orlov is a psychotherapist, consultant, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery.