Wine Mom Culture Excludes Black Mothers
The face of “wine mom” culture is white. And that's a problem.
Jacob Lund | Canva Over the last decade or so, I’ve noticed this growing trend called “wine mom culture.” It makes using alcohol to cope with motherhood an accepted, even celebrated, part of modern life. Some regard it as chic and hip, while others believe it encourages alcoholism. In actuality, the notion that mothers can and do drink alcohol isn’t new. Mothers drank for decades. However, this level of awareness surrounding this activity they partake in is new.
I’m not a mother, so I’m sure that some believe I don’t know what I’m talking about and will dismiss this piece. That’s their prerogative. But as a woman and especially a Black woman, I know about stress. I deal with it every waking moment of every day. I know all about wanting or needing mind-altering substances to cope with the frustrations and aggravations of daily life.
Yet, what, or rather, who, do we usually think of when we think about wine mom culture? Most of the memes and discussions about it center white, wealthy, or middle-class women. And that is a problem.
What Drives Mothers To Drink?
First, let’s get into why there are general concerns about wine mom culture. The United States is one of only two industrialized nations that doesn’t offer paid maternity leave. Mothers in the workforce tend to earn less than men or women without children. Even in 2022, a married mother can expect to do more housework than a married father does.
Since the work that mothers do isn’t valued and they don’t get the support they want or need from their spouses or society at large, the motherhood stage of life can be isolating. Stay-at-home mothers are especially vulnerable to alienation. Is it any wonder that some mothers turn to alcohol to take the edge off of dealing with a two-year-old’s temper tantrum, a teenager’s moodiness, the ever-growing pile of laundry, the never-ending doctor’s appointments they have to make, or the never-ending Girl Scout meetings they must take their kids to?
The pandemic exacerbated the appeal and the danger of wine mom culture. 1.8 million women, many of them mothers, have left the workforce since COVID began. When schools and daycare centers shut down due to the virus, many mothers with jobs were forced to quit because they didn’t have dependable childcare options. Others were forced to homeschool their children when their schools forced them to learn remotely. Still, more mothers did not have the support of their spouses to continue working, so they felt forced to choose their families.
No matter how much you love someone, quarantining with them for 24 hours a day is exhausting. Since public health guidelines discouraged people from visiting each other and most public venues and attractions such as libraries, movie theaters, and museums were closed, mothers didn’t have opportunities to take a break from parenting. With few other outlets to unwind, some turned to alcohol. I’m sure few of us are shocked to discover that alcohol sales have increased during the pandemic. Additionally, women’s drinking has increased 41% since COVID-19 began.
Mothers poking fun at their drinking, such as the now-viral memes as “the most expensive part of having kids is all the wine you have to drink,” and “Wine is to moms what duct tape is to dads. It fixes everything,” come off as beleaguered but sympathetic figures. Identifying as a wine mom acknowledges that a mother may have a thankless job but she isn’t defined by it; she is a unique person outside of her relationship with her children.
On the other hand, the thought of women drinking alcohol makes some segments of our society uncomfortable because it violates our notions of femininity. The image of a drunk person as sloppy, loud, and boisterous is a sharp contrast to the ideal woman who is neat, demure, and docile. For mothers, who are supposed to be on the job 24 hours a day, the idea of taking some time out of their day to imbibe can mark them as selfish or irresponsible.
There is a reason why “wine dad culture” or “beer dad culture” never became a thing. Traditionally, while mothers stayed home to raise children, fathers worked outside the home and then came home to relax until bedtime. They were given leeway to socialize and drink alcohol after their workday was done, drinking time that was not built into the day for mothers since fathers didn’t have to be responsible for tending to children.
Now take everything I said in this piece so far except for the last paragraph and slap every word on any woman who looks like me. Now some may say, “But of course. Doesn’t all that apply to all women?” Well, not in the same way. Because the sophistication and hipness associated with wine mom culture get pathologized among Black mothers, the negative aspects of it are magnified among Black mothers as well.
Why Black Mothers Don’t Fit Into Wine Mom Culture
Black mothers don’t have the luxury to joke openly about imbibing. Many of us can’t even think to put memes on social media about wine being our equivalent to a man’s tool belt. We’re stereotyped as hedonists. Or that we can’t control ourselves around chemical substances because we “naturally” lack the moral fiber to resist such wages of sin.
Additionally, three or four decades ago, the Black community was demonized as well as criminalized during the crack and heroin epidemics that disproportionately affected our community. We were jailed for using or selling these drugs. We were told to get ourselves together and pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. The compassion and benevolence extended to white addicts or in this case, white wine moms, was not extended to people who looked like me.
I live in a gentrifying neighborhood in New York City. There were times when I’ve come across groups of young white mothers with their young children drinking in beer gardens or bars in my city with hardly anyone batting an eye. However, I don’t need to be told that if the same women were Black, cops would have been called on them. Their children would’ve been taken from them and placed in foster care because they would have been deemed irresponsible or unfit.
Does this mean that Black mothers don’t drink? Of course not. However, due to the oppressive double standards they live under, they may be more likely to downplay their drinking. And they are less likely to seek or complete treatment if they have a problem with their drinking compared to other groups.
Furthermore, people generally associate wine as a beverage for elite, wealthy people, a perception where Black people don’t come to mind. The culture surrounding wine, where one needs to have a wine cellar to store the drink and be able to distinguish different varieties of wine by their appearance or how dry or sweet they are can be intimidating and overwhelming. It’s easy for many Black people to feel alienated in such an environment.
Are wine moms hip and sophisticated? Are they just different versions of Karens, entitled white women who are blind to their privilege? Are they troubled women crying out for help in a society that dismisses their needs and wants? There is no definitive answer.
What I can say is that white wine mothers who attempt to shame or demonize Black wine mothers for doing the same behavior they partake in is white supremacy at its finest.
White wine mothers policing Black wine mothers’ behavior strips Black mothers of their humanity and denies them their right to be fallible. If self-identifying white wine moms continue to ignore or shame Black mothers who drink, I’d rather that wine mom culture be dismantled. Because as I see it, it’s just one of the numerous ways that racism is perpetuated.
Vena Moore is a writer who lives in Brooklyn, NY. Her articles have been featured in Medium and The Good Men Project.