Man Mourning Loss Of Close Friendships After Transitioning Tearfully Expresses How Lonely It Is To Be A Guy
Expressing his sense of loneliness was a brave and vulnerable act.
Sabphoto | Shutterstock A TikTok post shared by the “We Are Man Enough” platform highlighted the complex challenges men face when attempting to form lasting emotional connections with other men. Basically, and it's no secret, men are struggling with feelings of loneliness, and it's rooted in the difficulty they seem to have not only making friends but maintaining and nurturing those bonds.
We Are Man Enough defines itself as “a movement founded on the belief that by undefining traditional roles and traits of masculinity, men will be able to realize their potential as humans and their capacity for connection.” The video they posted featured a public speaker and transition coach named James, who shared his experiences as a trans man on his own TikTok account.
A man expressed how deeply he mourned having close friendships after transitioning.
The post that James recorded was a stitched video, opening with footage of a group of women in a public bathroom and overlaid with the statement, “Knowing that men will never experience the girls’ bathroom.” In the post, James tearfully stated, “Nobody told me how lonely being a man is.”
“I have had closer friendships with random women I met in the bathroom, before I transitioned, at clubs, because of how open women are, than I’ve had in my eight years of transitioning. Because women are so much more vulnerable and deep,” he stated.
Men and women are encouraged to develop relationships and friendships in very different ways.
He described how he felt a distinct isolation, one that stemmed from the stark differences in how men and women are socialized to relate to those around them. “I think a lot of trans men feel this, is [that] we knew what that depth felt like before we transitioned,” James said.
He went on to say, “We knew what it felt like to have people want to hug us and to have people want to talk to us. And have a community. And then, you transition and you’re just a guy, walking down the street, that people cross the street so that they’re not near you.”
What James experienced after transition is not exclusive to trans men. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy expert Jon Patrick Hatcher, M.A., explained in a piece for Psychology Today, "It’s often tough for males to reach out to other males for friendship for fear of how it might be seen. We’d rather take a Razor scooter to the ankle 30 straight times than feel shamed for appearing needy or lacking an already existing base of friends. Guys are supposed to be independent and self-sufficient, as if we don’t need anyone, while also not appearing as a loner. But putting ourselves out there creates a private vulnerability."
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And while Hatcher uses humor to make his point, the research backs him up. Men, especially as they enter adulthood and postgraduate life, often seem to neglect their friendships for more financially driven pursuits. Unfortunately, research has shown that neglecting those social bonds can have detrimental effects on everything from mental health to longevity and happiness.
James acknowledged that his loneliness doesn’t negate the reality that men can cause harm to the people around them. As he explained, “Friendships are so much harder to build. And people are colder. And what’s hard is, none of this invalidates how real and raw women and people who are in marginalized groups feel about cis, white men. All of that’s valid.”
The man voiced a vital truth, showing how rigid definitions of masculinity harm all of us.
“I also now understand why the suicide rate is so much higher in men,” he said. “Because this [expletive] is lonely. And I’m an emotionally mature man. I know how to build friendships, and it is still really, really hard.”
He ended his post with a gentle call to action, wondering if there are ways “how you can, in your small little community, where you feel safe, can reach out to the men in your life and just help them maybe feel seen for a moment, or do little conversations to help their emotional maturity, so that they can reach out to people and have deeper guy friendships.”
The video received thousands of comments, revealing how deeply James’ experience resonated with others. One person exclaimed, “This is peak masculinity — vulnerability, openness, compassion, and integrity.” Someone else commented, “I feel like cis folks like me don’t appreciate the wisdom our trans peers contain about the human experience.”
“I’ve been crying about the same thing lately,” said another person. “I miss the camaraderie. But going back to pretending would still be more painful than this, so it’s hard.” One man shared that seeing James so openly express how lonely he feels helped him realize how valuable it is to openly discuss those feelings. He said, “I’ve grown up convincing myself that this loneliness was either invalid and/or unimportant for the peace of mind of folks around me. Thank you for this.”
James’ expression of such complicated and nuanced emotions offered other men space to be emotionally vulnerable, too.
The caption beneath the TikTok post read, “This pride month, let’s remember the importance of meaningful connection and building community.” By giving voice to his loneliness, James is already doing the necessary work involved in cultivating deeper levels of intimacy.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
