I Thought I Was Just Stressed Out, But These 8 Subtle Signs Meant I Was Actually Dissociating
Marcos Calvo | Canva When I was 28 years old, a psychologist informed me that I was not, in fact, a sociopath. “You have depersonalization-derealization disorder,” she told me.
“How high did I score?”
“Pretty high. For reference, the average adult lands somewhere between a five and a six on this questionnaire. You got a twenty-four.”
If I were capable of feeling anything, I probably would’ve felt relief: I wasn’t broken — just detached. Hollow. Numb.
In a lot of ways, this numbness was a blessing. As an eight-year-old, it kept me levelheaded while I mediated my brother’s mental illness. As a teenager, it emotionally insulated me from my parents’ divorce. As a young adult, it kept me composed and capable after my best friend died by suicide.
But now, single and nearing 30, it was getting in the way. Sure, I felt no pain, fear, or heartache, but I also felt no joy, empathy, or love. Somewhere along the line, my dissociation had shifted from a blessing into a curse.
Dissociation is a “sense of disconnection,” said Dr. Alissa Beuerlein, PhD, licensed professional counselor and trauma specialist. Clinically, it can manifest in different ways, including depersonalization (feeling detached from yourself) or derealization (feeling disconnected from the world around you).
It’s not always a problem. In fact, almost everyone dissociates sometimes. Research shows that up to 75% of people will experience at least one full-blown dissociative episode in their lives — and then it goes away. An even higher percentage of people experience mild dissociation regularly.
“From mindless scrolling, to getting lost in thought, to multitasking, to numbing out with food, alcohol, or substances, dissociation reflects a natural human tendency to mentally ‘step away’ from the present moment,” said Rebecca Kase, LCSW.
Temporary dissociation is actually a coping mechanism: When something feels too stressful or too overwhelming, your nervous system numbs itself to protect you. But when your nervous system numbs itself permanently, dissociation can become an issue.
According to Kase, studies estimate that 10% to 30% of the population experiences moderate to severe dissociation, with an even higher prevalence among people who have histories of childhood trauma, combat exposure, or repeated interpersonal violence.
The biggest problem? “Most people don’t realize when they are dissociating,” said Dr. Alissa. Your reality is the only reality you experience, so to you, the numbness feels normal.
I thought I was just stressed out, but these 8 subtle signs meant I was actually dissociating:
1. I'm the most productive, capable person I know
We live in a society that values productivity, grit, sacrifice, and hard work. Those who give everything of themselves (either to a job or to their loved ones) are often rewarded for their discipline and devotion. For that reason, high achievers usually have no idea they’re dissociated — and neither does anyone around them. Kase said:
“High-functioning individuals, in particular, tend to miss it entirely. As long as they are productive, responsible, and outwardly successful, neither they nor others recognize that a significant part of their emotional and bodily experience is being muted. […] Their dissociation is rarely recognized as distress. Instead, it is mistaken for maturity, resilience, or emotional strength.”
Because your self-abandonment benefits others, the people closest to you may overlook your silent suffering — and some might actively discourage your healing.
2. I constantly lose track of time
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Studies show that dissociation is linked to temporal distortion. In other words, it changes the way you experience the passage of time. For people with dissociative disorders, time often feels fragmented.
The past, present, and future blur together, and some moments seem to stretch out forever or collapse into the blink of an eye. Some people clock out entirely, losing huge chunks of time throughout the day.
“In many ways, dissociation is the opposite of mindfulness,” Kase said. “Where mindfulness involves staying connected to the present moment, dissociation involves reducing awareness of what is happening inside and around us.”
While some have “great difficulty meeting expectations,” others (usually high achievers) keep themselves “busy from morning until night,” staying “highly organized and scheduled” to fill every minute with productivity instead of presence, said Dr. Alissa.
3. I have a terrible memory
Time and memory are closely linked in the brain. The hippocampus uses time to organize our experiences. When one becomes distorted, the other usually follows.
On the milder end of the dissociation spectrum, “Some people say they may drive from one place to another without remembering anything of the drive,” said Dr. Alissa.
But according to Kase, people with extreme dissociation may experience “severe disruptions in memory,” in which they remember very little about their childhoods, formative experiences, or specific recent events.
Others may block out traumatic memories altogether, totally forgetting that they happened. It’s a psychological firewall designed to protect us, but it often results in emotional detachment and a fractured sense of self.
4. I feel like I'm living in a dream
For years, I told my doctors about my horrendous brain fog, and all of them assumed it was something physical rather than mental.
“Thyroid problems.”
“Vitamin deficiency.”
“Hormones.”
“Obesity.”
In actuality, my brain fog was a symptom of dissociation. According to Kase, those with dissociative disorders feel like they’re “living in a dream,” describing their reality as “flat, muted, numb, floaty, fluffy, or faded.” They may also feel like they’re “watching life from a distance,” as if from a third-person perspective.
5. I intellectualize my emotions rather than feel them
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Our culture also tends to respect logical people and discredit people who are “too emotional.” That goes double for women, who are more likely than men to be diagnosed with dissociative disorders. Kase said:
“Many women are socialized from an early age to be competent, agreeable, pleasant, and emotionally contained. They are taught, explicitly and implicitly, that their safety and success depend on being likable, productive, and non-disruptive. Women then learn to suppress fear, anger, and dissent so they are not seen as ‘difficult,’ ‘dramatic,’ or ‘too much.’”
As a result, many people with dissociation can no longer access strong emotions, like grief or joy. Rather, they intellectualize whatever happens to them, navigating life through logical narratives instead of their feelings.
6. I have a high tolerance for pain
In my early 20s, I got my wisdom teeth pulled without laughing gas, anesthesia, or Advil. I didn’t feel a thing.
When you’re dissociated, your brain actually produces opioids. It pumps out endorphins to protect you from pain, both physical and emotional. You may feel totally disconnected from your body, as if you’re on drugs — because in a way, you are.
But for women especially, disconnecting from bodily discomfort is encouraged from a young age. According to Kase, most girls are taught to endure pain so they can meet cultural beauty standards, whether that’s “ignoring hunger, reshaping their appearance, or minimizing physical discomfort to look like a supermodel.”
Similarly, over 56% of women report that health care providers have minimized or dismissed their pain, especially when it comes to endometriosis, childbirth, and autoimmune disorders.
Women simply learn to grin and bear it. “Over time, this trains the nervous system to prioritize compliance and productivity over internal awareness,” Kase said.
7. I struggle to maintain boundaries
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Someone with dissociation may use “distractions to cope with stress, like video games or doomscrolling,” said Dr. Alissa. Setting personal boundaries around these behaviors may feel nearly impossible — because they’re a survival strategy. But those with dissociation may struggle to set boundaries with other people, too.
At the height of my dissociative disorder, I’d pick up my phone at 2:00 a.m. to console people I barely knew. Let boyfriends walk all over me. Prioritize everyone else’s needs over my own. Overextend myself without hesitation, because other people’s feelings felt urgent, and mine felt optional.
8. I felt ike a stranger to myself
Kase’s patients often say things like, “I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be doing, but I don’t feel present in my own life,” or “I’m functioning, but I feel emotionally distant from myself.”
After all, who are we without our memories, boundaries, and emotions? In more extreme cases, like dissociative identity disorder (formerly known as multiple personality disorder), “the mind may compartmentalize experiences into distinct parts to manage overwhelming trauma,” said Kase.
You may feel as though you’re comprised of different “personality states,” and these states “take over” when the nervous system slips into survival mode.
So you suspect you have dissociation — now what?
First things first: Get a professional opinion. Kase emphasizes that this list is not a formal diagnosis: “All of these symptoms can be present with a myriad of other mental health and physical health diagnoses,” so “it’s important to seek professional help for an appropriate evaluation.”
Once you have a diagnosis, you can find a way to heal. Research shows that trauma-informed psychotherapy, bilateral stimulation, cognitive or dialectical behavioral therapy, internal family systems, and somatic therapies can all help with dissociation.
My therapist treated my dissociative disorder with Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): an evidence-based therapy that processes trauma using bilateral stimulation. Basically, my eyes followed a bouncing square on a computer screen while my brain focused on the most messed-up things I had ever experienced.
To my shock, it cracked me wide open. I won’t lie. It wasn’t easy. Some days, I miss my numbness, but I wouldn’t go back. The joy, empathy, and love I now feel are worth the pain, fear, and heartache.
“At its core, dissociation is not a sign of weakness or pathology, but rather evidence of adaptation,” said Kase. “For those who grow up in unsafe, chaotic, or emotionally neglectful environments, dissociation often becomes the pathway to stability and achievement.”
You’re so much stronger than you realize. You survived everything that happened to you — and should you choose to treat your trauma, you’ll survive that, too. Like me, you may find that emotions are not the enemy; they’re a compass back to who you are underneath the numbness.
Maria Cassano is a writer, editor, and journalist whose work has appeared on NBC, Bustle, CNN, The Daily Beast, Food & Wine, and Allure, among others. S
