10 Things People With Poor Social Instincts Do In Everyday Life
People with weak social instincts often inadvertently push others away through a few unpleasant behaviors.
Marlon Alves | Unsplash Christopher Paolini wrote in his book Eldest that “everyone dies alone…whether you are a king on a battlefield or a lowly peasant lying in bed among your family, no one can accompany you into the void…” While that may ultimately be true, you probably want someone to hang out with for a few years before you die.
If you feel like you’re destined for a lonely life, it’s not too late to change that. If you exhibit too many of these signs that indicate poor social instincts, you can work to overcome them before you push friends and family away over time.
Here are ten things people with poor social instincts do in everyday life:
1. Treat shared space with zero respect
Even if you’re not close with your roommates, they know a side of you that even your best friends don’t get to see. If you’ve had difficulty maintaining decent relationships with several different roommates, good luck finding someone to spend the rest of their life with you — even if you’re the one who already owns the couch, TV, and dishes.
2. Overthink every last detail
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Have you thought about asking someone out, but kept telling yourself that you’ll wait for a better time until you decided it was too late? Break that habit and ask them out.
Sure, they might shoot you down, but then you can move on to someone else. If that happens, you just have to let them go. It’s painful, but it’s the only way to find someone. And those embarrassing failures will eventually become funny stories you tell your friends at bars.
3. Reject people for the smallest reasons
If your list of reasons that you’ve broken up with people looks anywhere close to the ones used by Jerry on Seinfeld, you’re probably going to realize you should have stuck with “man hands”… or the “two-face”…or the “low talker”… or the guy who ate his peas one at a time.
Okay, not the guy who ate his peas one at a time. That’s crazy. While high standards can lead to greater satisfaction in strong relationships, holding unrealistic expectations or standards too high can lead to dissatisfaction. A 2024 study found that this is especially true if they are coupled with passive-aggressive communication patterns or a reluctance to address problems directly.
4. Chase the idea of a 'perfect' soulmate
Maybe you believe that there is only one person in the world that you’re meant to be with. That’s a fantasy idea that is incredibly limiting and depressing.
What are the odds that “the one” just happened to go to the same high school or college as you? They have to be worse than playing the lottery. Don’t get too obsessed with one person, or you'll come off as clingy. And don’t play the lottery.
5. Ignore basic courtesy
Even if you end up dating someone who never worked in the service industry, you’re destined to drive people away with this habit. Every dinner out will be full of tense exchanges with the waitstaff and the worry that they did something to your food.
It’s also a sign that you’re probably a jerk when you don’t have to be in other situations as well. This is generally not a trait anyone looks for. If you do manage to find someone who likes being rude to waiters, just marry them because you’re both horrible people.
6. Flaunt their achievements
Almost everyone selectively makes their life look a little better than it is on social media, but don’t spend so much time sharing photos that you get fooled by your own embellished social media persona. If anything, it will just give you a sense of mystery and intrigue that’s more impressive than any status update about how you’re always hustling.
While occasional self-promotion on social media can be normal, excessive or inappropriate bragging is an area of research that is often linked to underlying issues like insecurity. Some studies suggest that bragging can be seen as a way to project competence and can even be acceptable to some extent on social media, especially when communicating expertise or achievements where appropriate.
7. Lie to the delivery guy
Have you ever shouted “food’s here” to no one before opening the door so that the delivery guy thinks someone is in your apartment? If so, you’re definitely in your head about being alone.
The delivery guy doesn’t care if you’re alone. He wants a couple of bucks and to make his next delivery.
8. Own pets that don't mesh well
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Everyone has heard of the “cat lady” stereotype, but no one talks about the “cat/bird lady.” That’s someone who not only has multiple cats, but also multiple birds.
This could apply to any two animals with a similar predator/prey dynamic: dogs and cats, snakes and rats, mongooses and snakes, etc. At least have some respect for your animal companions by not putting them in a room with their mortal enemies.
While the relationship between pet ownership, personality, and social behavior is an active area of research, there is currently no direct evidence to suggest that owning specific types of pets is a sign of poor social instincts. Human-animal interactions are diverse, so it is important to consider the multifaceted nature of human-animal relationships and avoid oversimplifying or drawing broad conclusions about an individual's social capabilities based solely on their pet choices.
9. Cling to clutter
You’ve probably noticed that hoarders always live alone (if you don’t count their bedbugs or cats or dogs or chickens). But you don’t just wake up one day with 158 chickens.
It starts with having a bunch of empty Gatorade bottles in your room that no one has asked you to throw out, so you figure, “Why bother?” You should bother because it’s Gatorade bottles now, chickens later.
10. Fixate on the fear of ending up alone
If this is truly a legitimate concern for you, there are ways to change that. First, you can work on how to improve your opinion of yourself. Then you can work on finding some good dating advice.
While a fear of dying alone might be a manifestation of deeper concerns about social connection and mortality, it's crucial to avoid immediately equating it with poor social instincts. It's more accurate to view it as a complex experience potentially influenced by a combination of factors related to social psychology research, developmental experiences, and existential awareness.
But first, just relax, because your situation is not as grim as you think.
Neil Stastny is a freelance writer, comedian, and former contributor to AskMen.
