8 Smart Responses High-IQ People Use When Someone Throws Shade
Smart people don't waste energy clapping back.
Esra Afsar | Unsplash If you've ever received a backhanded compliment from someone throwing shade, you know how confusing they can be. Sure, someone just said something nice to you — or did they? How should you respond?
What is a backhanded compliment? According to Merriam-Webster, a backhanded compliment is a compliment that is, well, not a compliment at all. The Cambridge Dictionary describes a backhanded compliment as "a remark that seems to say something pleasant about a person but could also be an insult."
Essentially, a backhanded compliment is throwing shade; it's a passive-aggressive insult disguised as praise. These statements are nasty, mean, and judgmental. If you do notice shade being thrown at you, don’t lash out. Because the unpleasant person is using passive aggression to push your buttons, if you respond with anger, they will paint you as the unreasonable one.
Here are 8 smart responses high-IQ people use when someone throws shade:
1. They take a deep breath before responding
Before responding to a shady insult disguised as a compliment, take a deep breath to calm yourself down. Know that these comments come from the unpleasant person’s own insecurities.
Research has found that when faced with a perceived social threat, your nervous system goes into its fight-or-flight response. This pause gives your brain a moment to catch up with your initial reaction, which could help prevent the situation from escalating.
2. They don't allow the shade to land
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By accepting the back-handed compliment and even explaining why it is a correct compliment — thank you so much! — you aren't allowing the insult to land. It makes you seem immune to their nastiness.
Research has shown that this response method helps reframe the whole interaction to protect your self-esteem. When you ignore the insult, it instantly loses its power and impact.
3. They refute the shade
Contradicting their judgments that they use against you invalidates the negative perspective. For example, if they’re judging you or throwing shade for leaving your kids with a stranger, say how you know the person taking care of your kids.
Maybe it's your spouse, a relative, or a highly-rated sitter. Or, you can explain how daycare is good for their socialization and learning.
4. They directly address the person
If someone throws shade or gives you a backhanded compliment, it's an insult and needs to be addressed at times. If you don't address it, that signals to the person that it's okay when it's not.
If this relationship is important to you, speak up and hash it out. Of course, you can be stunned when you receive one of these, so you can always address it at a later date.
5. They ignore them
This method works best when you know the person is trying to get you to react. Staying silent doesn't mean you condone their behavior or that you accept being insulted; it can be seen as you not thinking their opinion is worth responding to. This also works if you aren't in the mood for an argument.
A 2016 study found that people become more efficient over time by learning what is worth or not worth their attention. The person throwing the shade is looking for a reaction, and by ignoring them, you deny them that desire.
6. They flip the shade on them
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When you receive shade, that person isn't expecting you to attack them back. Return the favor with a backhanded compliment or some shade of your own.
If they say something like, "Congrats! You passed the math test for once!" You can say, "It was so easy. Did you think it was hard?" This gets them to reflect and talk about themselves rather than about you.
7. They let it roll off their back
Play it down like it's no big deal. If you don't take their shade seriously, they can't hurt you. This is one of the healthiest ways to respond. You can even laugh it off like it was a joke.
Research on resilience shows that individuals who are able to bounce back from negative events use positivity to rebound more quickly. Processing the criticism internally helps you to conserve your mental and emotional resources.
8. They change the subject
If you change the subject, it's like you never heard it. This works best if a shady insult was said in passing or in the middle of a conversation. Don't dwell on it and move on.
These methods illuminate how wrong — morally wrong, or incorrect — the words are, and keep the focus on you so the situation doesn’t turn into a battle where you’re dragged down to the unpleasant person’s level.
Most importantly, remember that the unpleasant person feels something is missing from their life, which is why they feel the need to rag on you. Their snide comments are not worth your time or worry.
Colleen Fogarty is a writer and contributor to YourTango. She covers self-care, astrology, lifestyle, and relationship topics.
