People Who Are Mentally & Emotionally Self-Conscious Usually Hate Being Asked 11 Specific Questions
Marcelo Chagas | Pexels People who are self-conscious already struggle with interacting with others. It's even more difficult when people ask them questions that make them uncomfortable. Even if they seem polite or surface-level, to them, these questions are incredibly invasive and somewhat dismissive.
When a person is mentally and emotionally self-conscious, they worry that everyone will judge them or give negative responses if they don't answer a certain way. But it's important for people to read their body language and think before asking things that affect the way they see themselves.
Specific questions people who are mentally and emotionally self-conscious hate being asked
1. 'Why are you so quiet?'
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Even though some people believe this is appropriate to ask someone who seems a bit introverted or self-conscious, it implies that quietness is negative. It causes this person to put pressure on themselves to respond to something they don't have the answer to.
According to research from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, people who feel scrutinized over their silence in social settings become more self-aware and are less likely to be able to engage naturally with others. They also may put pressure on themselves to be more aware of how much they contribute to discussions.
This creates higher levels of stress and anxiety. And while there's nothing wrong with people choosing to remain silent in certain social situations, it's important for others to read the room and realize they may just be a better listener.
2. 'Why don't you just speak up?'
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When someone asks a self-conscious person why they don't speak up in conversations, it's accusatory and demonstrates little concern for their internal struggles. It implies that a person is deliberately choosing not to speak up for others or themselves, when there may be valid factors at play.
They may lack knowledge about certain topics being spoken about or simply feel uncomfortable voicing themselves in a particular setting. And those are just a few reasons why a question like this makes someone with low self-esteem shudder.
According to anthropologist Judith E. Glaser, many of us, especially those who are self-conscious, may not speak up due to a deep fear of being rejected. Rather than imply that there's something wrong with a person if they have trouble speaking up, just validate their hesitation and move on.
3. 'What's wrong with you?'
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"What's wrong with you?" is something self-conscious people absolutely hate to be asked. It often comes off as hurtful and counterproductive. Whether they have seemingly odd behavior or appear anxious, we should never ask someone what's wrong with them when the answer is, more often than not, nothing at all.
It makes them feel as if they're defective, triggering feelings of shame and self-doubt. The question also comes off as dismissive to those who struggle with their mental health and don't know how to explain their emotions.
Instead of asking "What's wrong with you?" people should aim for a more empathetic and open-minded approach such as "Are you okay? You seem like you're going through something" or "Is there anything I can do to help?"
4. 'Why can't you just relax?'
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If only it were that simple for someone to "just relax" when they're told to. As much as we would like to unwind, self-consciousness prevents us from doing so. When someone is already feeling bad about themselves, being asked why they can't relax puts pressure on them to perform and appear calm.
"We need to remember that our brains are always 'on' and are actually designed to be worried," professor Deborah Serani pointed out. "After all, that anxiety can keep us alive as we are always aware of potential dangers that may threaten us."
5. 'Are you sure you're not overreacting?'
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When emotionally and mentally self-conscious people are questioned about their reactions to situations, it erodes their trust in their own judgment. They ask themselves if their responses are appropriate, and it makes them feel less confident.
They doubt their decisions and how they handle their emotions. It can also amplify feelings of shame and self-doubt, and make them feel embarrassed for expressing how they feel.
Instead of pressing someone about it, ask them "It sounds like you're really upset. Want to talk about it?" or "I can see that you're really struggling with this. How can I help?" We never truly know what people have been through that causes them to react the way they do.
6. 'Have you gained weight?'
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Not only is this incredibly rude and disrespectful, but it makes someone with low self-esteem feel even worse about themselves. People should never dare to ask anyone this or comment on another person's body. It's a sensitive and personal topic.
People who already struggle with self-esteem can spiral into a pit of self-doubt and worthlessness when others point out the way their body looks. Unfortunately, 13% of adults have experienced dangerous thoughts or feelings due to perception about their body image.
7. 'Are you really going to wear that?'
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While some people may ask this question from a place of concern for the dress code or the fit being unflattering, it comes across as rude. Self-conscious people might feel insecure about their clothing choices and sense of style. So, when someone calls attention to it, even if they spent hours in front of the mirror finding an outfit, it's uncomfortable.
Even if their clothing choices aren't necessarily your style, there's no need to make them doubt themselves. Instead of asking this way, ask if you can make a suggestion and then give it if they accept.
8. 'Why aren't you married yet?'
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Many women in their late 20s and 30s likely fall victim to hearing this question. There seems to be a societal expectation that women need to be married in order to be fulfilled in life, but that's simply not true.
According to Pew Research Center, 14% of never-married adults say they don't plan to marry at all, and another 27% aren't sure whether marriage is for them. Some people may be fulfilled from their jobs or focused on their well-being. So, to assume that they're miserable being single is dismissing their experiences.
Asking a person why they aren't married yet can cause them to feel embarrassed or inferior to those who have wed. It's an attack on their self-worth.
9. 'How much do you make?'
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Feigning interest about someone's salary is a blatant invasion of their privacy, and can trigger feelings of inadequacy. Questions about their income might make them feel inferior, especially if it doesn't meet societal expectations of their own standards.
It can be easy to feel judged by people who ask this question and continue to boast that their own salary is higher. After all, money is already a widely taboo subject.
According to licensed psychologist Marina Harris, if people are going to ask others about their jobs, they should avoid talking about money. Instead, they should ask how work itself is going, and if they have any passion projects coming up.
10. 'You're still not over that, are you?'
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Whether it's a fight with a friend or a job loss, by asking a self-conscious person this question, it's extremely insensitive. It's rude for people who aren't even self-conscious!
Healing isn't a linear process, and there's no timeline that states when you should get over certain things. Asking someone when they plan on getting over their grief or trauma minimizes their pain. It makes them feel like their experience is invalid and that their feelings are a burden.
Self-conscious people may feel ashamed and guilty when people put pressure on them to move on from something they're struggling with. They may even believe there's something wrong with them.
11. 'Why don't you have more friends?'
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Making friends isn't as simple as going up to someone and asking them if they want to hangout. By asking someone why they don't have friends, it makes them feel inadequate. Maybe they're overwhelmed by life stressors or have difficulty connecting with people. No matter the reason, there's no reason to ask this.
Mentally and emotionally self-conscious people may fear that others perceive them as unkind if they don't have a large social circle. But everyone's social situation is different, and the reasons for having a small circle are personal.
Instead of potentially drudging up a sensitive and painful subject, people should be more open-minded and supportive. Not having many friends is not a reflection of a person's character.
Megan Quinn is a writer with a bachelor's degree in English and a minor in Creative Writing. She covers news and lifestyle, relationships, and parenting topics, as well as the human experience.
