People Who Are Unintentionally Passive-Aggressive Usually Say 9 Phrases In Casual Conversation
Ground Picture | Shutterstock Passive-aggressive people use underhanded language to get what they want and convey a message while avoiding conflict of any kind. They are so used to their style of communication that they may not even realize they're doing it.
Passive-aggressive behavior can be a person's go-to coping mechanism. They’re expressing negative emotions indirectly, which they think is the better way of handling a situation. It could be that they’re afraid of direct conflict, or that they're trying to manipulate the situation in their favor. They’ll say things that leave you wondering what their true feelings are.
Phrases unintentionally passive-aggressive people will say to avoid conflict and still get what they want:
1. ‘I’ll do it myself’
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Asking for help isn’t easy. We keep our needs to ourselves because we don’t want to burden others with our problems. Being open about needing help takes vulnerability that not everyone is comfortable showing. Instead, they may say something like this in a passive-aggressive way to quietly hint that they’d like you to lend them a hand without telling you outright.
What someone like this might not understand is that asking for help strengthens relationships. We can form meaningful connections when we let others in. Being passive-aggressive could be their attempt to show they need support, but it would be more effective to ask for it outright.
2. ‘No, don’t worry about it’
Sometimes, when someone says something passive-aggressive, they’re sulking because they didn’t get their way. They’ll try to wiggle out of conversations that don’t go the way they planned. Instead of being forward about their feelings, they’ll tell people not to worry. In reality, they’re hurting.
This isn’t productive for what they want. Realistically, they want people to worry about them or what they did that upset them. Brushing it off as nothing leads to further resentment, and the cycle of passive-aggression continues.
3. ‘I’m fine’
You can tell if someone is actually fine by their tone of voice. While they may try to sound neutral, depending on how well you know someone, it can be a sign that they’re unhappy but won’t say it out loud. They’re hinting at it, but are trying their best to avoid saying it. Whether they’re trying to manipulate the situation or want sympathy from others, it can change the dynamic in a relationship.
This is a phrase that everyone is familiar with and has used indirectly. Pretending that everything is okay is often easier than being honest about your feelings. With passive-aggressive energy, someone may hope to show they’re not fine and could actually use support, avoiding taking accountability or speaking up for themselves.
4. ‘Whatever’
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Saying "whatever" is how a passive -aggressive person might pretend they don't care, even if they do. It comes off as nonchalant, like they're completely unbothered, but their tone will give it away.
This is a snarky comment that can leave a bad taste in people’s mouths and harm relationships. It can make people feel bad for their opinions or behaviors without having a direct conversation about what they did that upset or annoyed them. It's a way to escape vulnerability and honesty.
"Whatever" shuts down conversations, though that may not be their intention. They’re dealing with anger in the way they know best, by avoiding it entirely.
5. ‘I think you’re being sensitive’
Some people are notorious for saying hurtful things. Sometimes, they don’t realize they are doing it. They’ll say whatever is on their mind without considering other people’s feelings, then get upset when they have a poor reaction to it. This leaves the person wondering if they are overreacting and second-guessing the validity of their feelings.
Being sensitive is often viewed as a positive trait. It allows people to show empathy and connect deeply with others. However, it can also make people self-conscious. Having this pointed out passively-aggressively can leave them feeling more hurt.
6. ‘Must be nice’
I can think of several times I’ve thought this about other people. When I’m struggling with something, whether it’s finances or personal problems, seeing other people succeed can hurt. Of course, I cheer them on, but part of me wonders why they are making headway while I’m stuck in the same place.
Envy can be difficult to manage. Hiding it isn’t always easy. When someone shows envy towards others, it can come across as passive-aggressive. If someone thinks another person has it better than they do, they might make snide remarks to show that they are jealous without saying it directly. This can leave someone feeling bad about themselves and their accomplishments, which isn’t something any of us want to deal with when something is going especially well.
7. ‘It’s not a big deal’
Admitting something is wrong can feel like weakness. People often feel they have to be strong at all times, which causes them to withhold their true feelings. This isn’t always easy to do. If they feel hurt and would rather not tell them directly, they’ll play it off as if everything is fine, but really, they’re trying to tell them they were actually hurt. This is a type of mind game that can leave people wondering what they did wrong because they picked up on their tone.
If someone says this, they may be feeling socially rejected but have a hard time verbalizing it. Instead, they want people to feel sorry for them by hinting that something is wrong. They want to make a point without facing the backlash that might come with it.
8. ‘If that’s what you want to do’
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It’s not uncommon to disagree with the decisions someone else makes. It can be over silly things like who they go on a date with or where they choose to have dinner. In the grand scheme of things, these indifferences don’t matter. Some people take this feeling to the next level. Instead of having a genuine conversation about why they feel like they’re making a mistake, they’ll make remarks that leave the other person wondering what their true intentions were.
Some people are overly critical of others. They have strong opinions that they want to share without saying them directly to avoid confrontation. However, being passive-aggressive can make these situations worse by not having an honest conversation with someone they care about, especially if they are concerned about their decisions.
9. ‘It was a joke’
There is often a nugget of truth hidden inside a so-called joke. It’s rarely just a joke but a chance to say something they’ve wanted to say without being held accountable for it. If they feel tension, especially if they are the ones causing it, they’ll play it off as if they had good intentions.
We feel more comfortable when we make jokes. That’s why passively-aggressively playing a thought off as a joke can ease a conversation. However, when someone reflects deeply on what was said, they may realize that the person was trying to hurt them rather than make light of the situation.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities, living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
