People Who Seem Sweet But Eventually Show Their Fangs Often Have 10 Verbal Tics
MAYA LAB | Shutterstock Love is blind. It’s so blind that sometimes we can’t even see that we are in an abusive relationship. It can be hard to realize that the person we love so much, and that everyone thinks is so sweet, can sometimes have dangerous, awful qualities that aren't apparent at first.
People who seem sweet but eventually show their fans often do a few things when they talk:
1. Name-calling
Does your partner address you with insulting names? If your partner or family member shouts aggressive phrases while talking to you, then you are certainly being abused verbally. This is not a healthy way of communicating in any relationship. In an abusive relationship, your partner will hurl insulting names at you until you comply with their demands. They may even just joke about it by calling you humiliating pet names every day.
Example: “Oh, you are just too dumb to understand anything.” “This is the reason why everyone thinks you’re an idiot.”
2. Patronizing attitude
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Having a condescending attitude is another form of verbal abuse. They communicate with you in a sarcastic tone and are patronizing and disdainful. They belittle you with jokes and feel superior.
Example: “You sure you want to go out without makeup? What if your friends see you like this?” “If you keep eating like that, you will always be crying about your weight. Geez!”
3. Criticism
Constructive criticism from your partner is usually acceptable because it helps you grow. But when you face constant criticism and it eats away at your self-esteem and sense of self-worth, then it is one of the patterns of verbal abuse.
Example: “If you can’t even do this properly, I don’t know what you will do in life.” “You’re so confused. I can always count on you to screw up everything. Thanks for ruining my day again!”
4. Degrading comments
An abusive partner will always find a way to demean you with their words. They will make you feel bad by humiliating you and breaking your self-confidence. By using unhealthy and demeaning comments about your life, background, and family, they will break your spirit. And they will do this repeatedly.
Example: “You are nothing without me. You will be ruined if I leave you.” “Stop being a sad sack of tears. No wonder no one wants to be with you.”
5. Manipulation & threats
It is never easy to know when you are being manipulated. It is certainly one of the most common patterns of verbal abuse, and you won’t even realize it. They will use their words smartly to manipulate you, control you, and divert your attention from their true intentions. Sometimes they can say nice things that you want to hear from your partner. Other times, they may blackmail you emotionally or make threats to make you comply.
Example: “If you truly love me, then prove it. Do what I asked you.” “If you don’t want to see me hurt myself, then close the door and go back to your room. We need to talk.”
6. Blame
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Your abuser will often blame you verbally for the mistake they make. You will start thinking that their abusive words are a consequence of your behavior. They will never take responsibility, and you will end up believing your actions are making them feel bad.
Example: “Why do you always have to make me shout? You love making me the bad guy and playing the victim.” “I don’t want to do this. But you never leave me a choice.”
7. Accusations
Accusations are another common form of verbal abuse. Stemming mostly from jealousy, your abuser will accuse you of doing things wrong and make you feel guilty about it. It will make you question your actions and lose confidence. This affects your behavior and thoughts and keeps you from doing what you want.
Example: “I know you are cheating on me. I saw the way you guys were talking.” “Why can’t you give me your smartphone if there is nothing inappropriate?”
8. Withholding
Sometimes, refusing to talk can also be a form of verbal abuse. They may give you the silent treatment, refuse your calls, refuse to look at you, or even sit in the same room. This is called withholding, and it's used to make you put in effort to get your partner’s attention. You will be completely ignored for no apparent reason.
Example: You want to watch a romantic movie, but your partner only wants to see a new action thriller. When you disagree, they will refuse to go and leave the house. They won’t talk to you until you make amends.
9. Gaslighting
One of the most familiar patterns of verbal abuse, gaslighting, is a manipulative and discreet strategy that is employed systematically. It will make you question your thoughts and emotions.
You will be compelled to apologize for mistakes that you didn’t even commit. You will feel isolated and become highly dependent on your abusive partner.
Example: “Are you crazy? When did that happen? You’re imagining things.” “Do you have to be so sensitive to everything all the time?”
10. Circular arguments
Your abusive partner will keep arguing with you about the same issues, and the arguments will go around in circles without reaching a meaningful conclusion. You will end up feeling tired and exhausted. You will wonder what issues to avoid when talking to your abuser, just to escape another episode of the same argument over and over again.
Example: Your partner keeps talking about getting married, even though you told them you are not ready. Every time you are late for work, they question your ability to be responsible and disciplined.
What can you do? No. There is no one-size-fits-all answer here. Just follow your instincts if you are unsure about whether you are being verbally abused or not. These patterns mentioned above will help you identify verbal abuse. But you will need to decide how you will cope with it.
Because this is a very personal issue, it requires a personalized solution. If you are keen on reasoning with your abusive partner, then it won’t work. They will only find faults in your reasons, which will lead to more arguments.
You cannot control how they will behave, and you are not responsible for it either. Start by creating boundaries to protect yourself. Do not engage in unnecessary arguments.
Simply stop responding to abuse. Interact with them as little as possible. Avoid them whenever you need to. Finally, when you feel like it, leave. Break it up and cut off all contact when you are ready.
You can also join a support group or speak with a counselor for another perspective. It may take some time for you to get yourself out of an abusive relationship.
As you start healing, make sure you are surrounded by caring, supportive family members & friends. Most of all, keep a positive outlook on life and the strength to move forward and build a better life for yourself.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone. If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Theo Harrison is a freelance writer and former contributor to The Mind's Journal who writes about mental health, relationships, and self-care.
