People Who Get Annoyed By Unsolicited Advice Often Shut It Down In 5 Refreshingly Simple Ways
pocstock | Canva Unsolicited advice: We've all received it at some point in our lives, and we've all given it as well. In some cases, if we didn't know enough about the circumstances to ask for advice, we appreciated it when someone told us, but those moments are few and far between.
Most of the time, we feel the other person is trying to take our power away. We feel as if they believe we aren't capable of taking care of ourselves and knowing what we need. The advice makes us feel like we've lost some of our freedom and autonomy.
Though these thoughts and emotions are real and should be acknowledged, it's not like we want to explode with all those raw feelings onto the other person. The trick is to communicate our feelings with boundaries, while also doing it respectfully so the other person doesn't immediately feel attacked.
The way we respond can vary greatly depending on the context: who the person is, what they're giving advice on, the nature of your relationship with them, and so on. However, there are some statements that can work pretty universally. Here are some examples:
- "I appreciate your concern, but I don't need your advice."
- "Sorry, but I don't need advice with this right now."
- "I know that you care, but all I need right now is a listening ear, not advice."
- "I know you're concerned about me in this situation, but I don't feel that your advice is helpful right now. I'd really appreciate it if you would just listen."
- "I know you're trying to help, but I don't feel that I need advice right now. I'd appreciate it if you'd just accept it and let me learn on my own. I will ask you for advice when and if I feel that I need it."
People who get annoyed by unsolicited advice often shut it down in these ways:
1. They acknowledge the other person's feelings
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Acknowledging the other person's point of view helps "cushion" things a bit, so they're more willing to hear what you have to say. If we don't do this, the other person is much more likely to get defensive and not hear you.
2. They state their feelings
Make sure you state your feelings, not your thoughts. If we say things like, "I don't like your advice," then that's a thought we have. If we shift it around and say, "I feel that I don't need advice right now," it becomes much less of an attack. In some rare cases of more intimate relationships, we may be able to go so far as to say something like, "Your advice makes me feel like I'm not competent enough to take care of myself."
This is much more vulnerable, so I wouldn't encourage you to jump into that right away. However, it's something worth striving for in relationships, especially more intimate ones, like with a partner or family member.
3. They say what they want instead
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If someone is giving you advice, it's obviously because, on some level, they care and want you to be OK and do well. If you tell them what you would like for them to do instead, it gives them the opportunity to still be helpful. It also clears up any confusion they might have.
Stating what you want also helps because it encourages you to stand in your own personal empowerment. Doing so encourages you to fully take charge by knowing and saying exactly what you want.
4. They pick their battles
If you feel that some unsolicited advice has really aggravated you, then say something, especially if the relationship is very important to you. If we don't say it, it gets repressed, and those angry feelings may come out in other ways down the road. Sharing what you genuinely feel and want helps "clear the slate."
If the relationship isn't necessarily close, really check in on how you feel. It may actually be easier or a good way to "practice" if it's someone you don't know very well. Yet, if you know the person may have some toxic behavior patterns and doing so may cause you too much stress, then you may want to hold off.
5. They set boundaries
Overall, when you're figuring out how to set a boundary and make your feelings known, ask yourself, "How would I feel if someone said this to me?" This method isn't bulletproof because we're all very different in our preferences. We can also be skewed in our honest opinion of how we would react if someone said that to us, because we're more focused on our own aggravated feelings right now.
Yet sometimes doing the whole "put yourself in someone else's shoes" thing can help us figure out the best way to word things because it encourages us to step outside ourselves and look at it from an outside perspective.
Jennifer Twardowski is a writer and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Her work has been featured in the Huffington Post, Elephant Journal, and others.
